Thursday, October 3, 2013
This was a letter on my desk this morning.
Lanie,(He misspelled it...but I had to correct it cuz that would annoy me...also *Quicky Disclaimer: The F bomb is used in this post one time...sorry grandma :)
I want to say thank you. In a weird way you helped me without even knowing you did that. Me and my wife have been together for 13 years. It's feels like a long time. Feels like we are a partnership taking care of the kids. Life is passing and we are in it to the end. I would come in once a month or so, sometimes more and you would talk to me. The way you talk to people is different. It was nice. It made me feel like someone cared about my day to day shit. I know your job is to be nice, but it didn't feel like that. It felt like you really cared. I found myself finding reasons to stop by, just to talk to you or see your smile. Don't panic, I'm not going to stalk you lol. I think that I did start thinking about you too often. I did start to wish I was married to someone else, someone more passionate about life. Someone who laughed and smiled even though life isn't great sometimes. Someone like you. It's shitty to think like that. But it's the truth. I started to be attracted to you. That makes me feel like an asshole. I did start thinking that I was going to leave her, not for you lol but to have a different life.
But you did something and said something that helped me. I saw you out with friends. Fuck this sounds like a stalker. lol. I watched you guys. I was with my wife and other buddies. I watched you and your friend dancing and laughing. But I also watched you with your boyfriend. I wanted her to look at me like how you look at him. I was jealous. Does too many years make you stop looking at each other like you matter? I was a asshole to her the rest of the weekend while I thought about what you were doing. Pretty sure that sounds creepy but I was mad. Here I was spending my days off with Miss Attitude and you were probably having a great weekend. Monday morning I called the office and we talked for a couple minutes and then Tuesday I came in. That's when you said something that made me want to change my mind. Instead of talking about me, we talked about you. I asked you if the new relationship was exciting or if you were getting bored yet and you said it felt settled but still exciting. But that's a choice. You said the best thing a person can do, is BE how you want the relationship to look and hope that the other person wants that too. Here I was whining about how my wife doesn't like to kiss me and doesn't like to give massages and doesn't like to go out and have fun but you reminded me that sometimes you have to be that way to the other person even when they aren't that way to you. You asked me if I talked to her about how I was feeling and I said no and you said you should do that. You bitched at me about other things in there and then asked me, How can she fix it if she doesn't know about it? I went home that night with a case of beer. I brought some cheezies because she likes those and the beer. We sat down and talked for about 2 hours. Both of us had complaints. She wanted to end things too sometimes. She missed how fun I used to be. She missed how romantic I was before the kids. She said she cries a lot because I don't leave her love notes like I used to. She thinks I'm not attracted to her and she wants me to cook for her sometimes. She said it doesn't matter if I don't know how to give a massage, I could try. I told about all the stuff I was feeling and thinking. She was mad. I shouldn't have started off talking about you. Don't worry, she doesn't know where you work lol. But after awhile it felt like we could change things. We're both going to try harder. I think I have you to thank for that. I don't know if it will work, we both have to want things better right? But I think it's worth it.
Thanks for saying things I needed to hear even though some of it pissed me off. You should be a shrink.
I know who dropped this letter on my desk. I edited his grammar and spelling in this letter which was horrific :) After I read it a couple times, the stalker feeling subsided....lol. I don't think he had bad intentions here...I think he was desperate for something that could save things for him. Gosh, I think it makes me a lil emotional that maybe I gave him that.....especially since I couldn't save some of my own stuff. I know how hard relationships are....long ones and new ones. People give up too easy and sometimes maybe we stay through far more than we should. But I like to look at that part as character building. That's when you get to see what you're really made of and how much you are capable of giving! :)
I have hope for them...hope they fight for it. If anyone out there is going through a phase where things feel mediocre...change it! Only you can do that...and it's totally worth it! :)
It's almost Friday so enjoy your weekend :)
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Her: Do you love him?
Me: Why are you asking me this?
Her: I just want you to think about it...just think about if you do....and what that looks like for you....and then tell me about it.
Do I love him? Holy hell...that question is so hard! Dang it!
We are opposite in a dozen ways and kindred in other ways. The walls he has built feel like they are ten thousand feet high and most of the time it feels impossible to get beyond them. He's stubborn...especially when he thinks he right....and so I let him win...:) He has no filter....about anything really...and some of the things he says out loud, I can live without hearing. He's too open minded about some things and he's a spend-aholic(but he's working on it) But oh my gosh....he's soft and sooooo smart. When he doesn't know something...he finds the answer....he doesn't just leave it. He's composed...he's a critical thinker and I love that!! He processes before forming an opinion.....He is a manly man but in so many ways there is the gentleness and vulnerability of a little boy and I just want to protect him.... The way he clears his throat when he has something to say, gives me a lump in mine. He makes me laugh...all.the.time. He likes to talk...to me...and he listens to what I say and when he looks at me, he really looks at me. Being around him, makes me feel calm. Honestly....it isn't really anything that he does or doesn't do...for the first time in my entire life, I sit in a place of having to say...I know how I feel and I can't explain it...and that scares the shit outta me.
In a ton of ways, he isn't what I would pick at all! He's quiet...introverted in a few little ways. He has that magic little switch that I'm certain is mostly only found in boys. The one that shuts things off as quick as it turns them on. That switch is terrifying...I loathe that switch more than anything else. I'm used to being with guys who gush their feelings to me...men who can't contain their emotions...and here I find myself with someone who seems to have no emotions to most things...at least that's how it appears on the outside. He's not big on words of affirmation, and his reactions to things are never over the top excited, whereas I'm the kind of girl that tries to contain the fact that when he walks through the door, I want to be doing some sort of cheer routine to welcome him home...cept how awkward would that be...lol....so instead I throw out a casual "Hey, how was your day?"
I should run from him...I should find the exit, go through the door, slam it shut and leave it closed. But I can't. I can't because....
I guess I trust that everyone that comes into your life, comes with a purpose. I choose to believe that he is here to help me heal some of the broken bits, and that maybe I can do the same for him.
Her: You haven't answered my question..
Me: What was the question?
Her: Very funny... do you love him?
Me: This isn't helping me....
Her: 10 months ago you told me that you hoped that from this point on you would be spared from the cruelty of love, that you feel disposeable and that they all leave and that it isn't worth the pain. You said that you would be happy for the ones who float in and out, and that you wouldn't give anyone that part of you that you can't easily take back. Do you remember that?
Her: Do you remember saying that no one deserves that part of you, that when you give it, you give all you have and they crush you, and steal it and leave you standing alone?
Her: Know what?
Her: You have healed in ways over the last year that you don't even see! I think you're crying because you know that! So you can answer the question now if you want to....
He told me months ago that there was a possibilty he wouldn't stay. He told me weeks ago that he needs to work on the voice in his head that tells him that nothing lasts forever. Since the beginning he has seemed to be caught somewhere in the middle place of wanting to stay but thinking he might need to go...and still I stayed. This girl with a terrifying fear of being abandoned...stayed. This girl who hates building the story in her mind of how someone feels...stayed...while the boy said very little. This girl nursing her own tender wounds....stayed. This girl who thrives best on knowing where she's going, what she's doing and who she's with....stayed...despite the script and cast not being set in stone...she stayed....While everything in me told me to bolt...I stayed.....he needed things from me....things that only I could give him...but more than that...I needed things that only he could give me, and whether that is for a little while or a long time...I know I'll be better for it. I know that he'll leave far more with me than what he takes with him if he goes....and I'll still be okay :)
Maybe it's sad that you start to get used to people leaving...maybe it's sad that you almost expect it...for everyone to leave...but how awesome it is.....that even though I expect they might leave...I still give them the very best of what I have...
Loving someone is the purest thing you can do, it is an act that requires the most faith in the purpose behind it, because when you love someone, it comes with no guarantee that they will love you back. It is the single most perfect act of character that a person can display if it is done with the right intentions. I have learned that forevers with anyone seem questionable. I want that...I know it exists, I just don't trust that it will be part of the design for my life, and maybe it won't...but I won't stop striving for it.
Me: The answer is yes.
Her: Are you okay with that?
Me: What are my other choices? I fell in love with him...I can't unlove him...he hasn't done anything wrong to earn that.
Her: So what will you do?
Me: Be afraid, feel lost, struggle for air, be mad that he doesn't know, act like I'm five, try to talk myself out of it......and still love him...
Her: Seeeeee you are healing....and besides...what's the worse case scenario??
Me: No one dies.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
You can find it here:
Go read it. She has some relevant criteria in there....I mean all of it is relevant to her.... It is likely that her and I would be friends just based on the fact that people have told both of us that we are on a fairytale mission for a man that doesn't exist......pppfffffftttt! I still completely disagree. Hoooooooowever, while I think her book is full of great must haves...she does have much more of a flowery perception of men than I....yay for her that she hasn't encountered a ton of duds to make her jaded :) The reality is....he isn't going to think about us every second of the day and spew sunshine and rainbows all the time when he talks about us to his friends. Sometimes he's going to be a tool and try and be all manly and shit and we're gonna look at him with a look that he and I both know says "I am sooooooo kickin yer ass when we get home."
The more I read, the more I found myself writing my own list in my mind...there were indeed many things from her book that were also important to me...but there are far far bigger things that outrank a lot of her book for me. This is based on a looooong term relationship and a dozen or so very short lapses in judgement. For me this list is made up of stuff that matters, stuff that really matters and stuff that could result in injury to one of us, and by injury to one of us, I mean him, if you can't apply the criteria to your life. I'm not going to get as fancy as her but this is my list.
My book :)
Ooooooo fancy hey? I know....hate my artistic skills if you want to...:P
1. Be Happy. Let's face it, life just sucks sometimes. It's a hard road for everyone, just choose a good attitude :)
2. Being domestic makes you hotter...it doesn't emasculate you! If you do toilets, laundry and dishes...I basically automatically love you.
3. Kindness matters. Prairie dogs and other creatures on the road(except mice...you may kill mice by any means necessary)are not targets...please be a lover of most creatures...including people.
4. Make me laugh almost every day <-----this one right here...to have someone like this is perfection.
5. Bring me tea or coffee in bed sometimes, write me a cheesy love note, foreplay is more than just turning off the light...these kind of sweet mushy gestures...YOU will reap the reward of that!
6. Don't look at me like I'm batshit crazy if I'm crying and tell you I don't know why...I'm a girl...girls do that crap...just love on me and roll with it.
7. Don't tell me the team I cheer for bites just because they aren't your team. That's my job...I'm allowed to mock your team cuz I'm the girl :P
8. Talk to me....Okay I know...heavy requirement here...we talk...A LOT...I know this and I'm sorry, cept not really cuz sorry means you'll change and I won't but yeah...sorry that you have to endure it.F.O.R.E.V.E.R. I want to hear what you have to say...if I love you then I want to know everything there is to know about you...so talk to me :)
9. Kiss me...a lot...like anytime you want to. Don't be so passive about us. Mediocre existence between penguins is unacceptable.
10. Since you're a guy, you'll think it's funny to fart on me...while I accept the whole trapping me under the covers with one...to plant your cheeks right on my leg and let one rip...yeah that is not okay...and the bed will likely feel a lil chilly for a couple nights....not to mention that this one will make the 'Big Book of Grievances" to be thrown at you in an arguement 8 months from now...so just don't do it.
11. Encourage me to go for it...in all areas of life...within reason of course...duh.
12. Kiss me on the forehead. This is something endearing for us girls. Moments like this show us the gentle and sweet side of our penguin and while we totally dig you being all tough and masculine...sometimes we need to see this side of you.
13. Like my family...or fake it like you do. These are my people...they aren't going anywhere...most of the interactions are so fleeting...so just act like you love them even if you don't.
14. NEVER EVER say you don't like my best friends....also never say you think about sexing my best friends. Both of these fall into the injury clause posted above.
15. When I'm doing a good job making you happy...could you tell me that sometimes?...you don't have to blow sweetness and light up my butt constantly but I need to know I'm doing a good job.
16. Let me win at video games sometimes and I'll let you win at Scrabble. I have pride too ya know.
17. Be creative and silly with me. Be spontaneous. Be fun.
18. Wipe the seat if you pee on it...we don't have a cleaning fairy...wait...yes we do...I'm her....and she thinks that job is disgusting already...don't make it worse.
19. If I make me you mad...tell me that...it's okay to kick my ass slightly...call me on my crap...if you say nothing then how can I make it right?
20. If you buy Ice Cream and it's Rolo....don't pick all the rolo pieces out of the ice cream...:) That's my job.
21. If you are one of those guys that blows your nose in the shower...please sing at the top of your lungs while you do it so that I can't hear it...Gaaaaag! I feel like I don't really even need to say this but if you do that while I'm in the shower with you...oh holy hell..hello injury clause above.
22. When you see that I'm breaking, please try not to go into shitting the bed, need to save me mode. Use good judgement on how to best handle me in the moment. Sometimes laying with me in silence and holding my hand is enough.
23. Did you know that physical interaction can instantly change your mood? Hold my hand for no reason sometimes, hug me like you hate letting me go...I need that connection like you need beer and bacon.
24. Tell me I'm beautiful...especially when you know that I feel like a tragic mess. I need to hear that from you more than anyone else.
25. Check out other girls if you want to...that's normal...but remember that I'm still at the table and might like to catch your eye as well.
26. When I make you food...don't ever say ewwww or tell me I'm a terrible cook....unless you have solid resistance to poison....and then by all means...say whatever you want to.
27. Don't say out loud that you dream about suffocating me sometimes and I won't announce that I thought about pushing you down the stairs last night :)
28. Make me believe that all things are possible...that the dreams we talk about can actually come true...even if you know it would take a miracle.
29. Don't ask me to kiss your feet or suck your toes...or we are over....
30. If you use the last of the toilet paper...don't just sit the roll on top of the holder...that pisses off the cleaning fairy.
31. Don't be gross and hard core boy all the time, just because I love you....there are things I don't need to hear...or see.
32. Let me pop zits on your back and man up about it!
33. Be patient. I'm going to drive you crazy...just do some deep breathing until the moment to shake me passes :)
34. Teach me boy stuff without the attitude that says dudes are so awesome and chicks can't do this shit.
35. Believe in me enough to tow the line when I struggle to believe in myself.
36. Dance with me in the kitchen while dinner is burning
37. Don't say that you will be all romantic and sweet in the beginning and then never do that...that's just shitty.
38. Make sure that you are doing all the things that let me know that I for sure have one person who has my back at the end of the day.
39. When I do nice things for you, act excited sometimes.
40. Act like a little kid sometimes. Be free spirited enough to not care what other people think.
41. Let me have the window seat sometimes when we fly somewhere.
42. No matter how mad you get at me....don't ever ever use my toothbrush to clean the toilet, I will give you the same respect, that just crosses a line.
43. Please be sentimental and love Christmas.
44. If you promise me a picnic, take me on a picnic...don't make plans with me that are never going to happen.
45. Remember that I am a constant reminder to myself that I'm not perfect...don't point out the things that I already know are my biggest weaknesses.
46. I'm a girl, I'm going to tantrum out, over dumb stuff, like you using the last of the coffee....so just be smart and don't let that happen silly :)
47. Don't mock me when I say "For seriously?" "Is that a true story?" Smartitude or Supertastic, just find my made up language cute :)
48. Don't ever scare me with snakes or spiders or bugs....so uncool.
49. Don't let a bad day at work ruin our entire night.
50. Be generous....not with money....but with your time and your words.
51. Don't be in a rush to just kill time with me. We only get this one life and I want to feel like I got to take it all in.
52. Be the man in my life that makes me without question say...."He is my best friend."
53. Sing to me, even if you are a bad singer...just don't wreck the song if we are both singing in the car, and don't make up your own words to an existing song...however if you wanna write me a song...I say yes please!
54. Be in it for the long haul, anyone can stay when life is easy....be someone who is going to walk through the valley with me, encouraging me that there is better ahead.
55. Remember that I chose you despite your faults...let's not play the who's more awesome game...I already have the game built and won in my mind. :p
56. Be honest...like not about my cooking, baking, cleaning or body...but be honest about everything else :)
57. I'm not going to take you for granted...don't take me for granted either.
58. Don't make me feel replaceable....make me feel like your life would never be the same without me in it.
59. When we fight...cuz we will....take your ass to the bathroom, garage, bedroom...where ever....but do not leave the property or you will get to read an entire chapter in the Book of Grievances...all about abandonment...
60. Let me sleep furthest away from the door so that the bad guy will kill you first.
61. We all have road rage at times but please don't put my life at risk just because someone cuts you off.
62. Bring me chocolate...except when I'm dieting because then I will assume you are trying to keep me fat.
63. What other people look at as cheesy as far as lovey dovey stuff goes....I look at as the sweetest thing....so be cheesy :)
64. Remember thst I'm giving you the most valuable thing I have, my heart...I'm putting every ounce of trust I have into the hope that you will take care of it, don't abuse that priviledge.
Okay so there it is. My Lil Book....my 'Matters to Me' list...unrealistic?? Pffffft! I think not, but that's why I stopped where I did...adding things like, play the guitar for me while you sing in tune...yep...seemed like I was reaching at that point :)
Happy Thursday all a y'all :)
Monday, May 6, 2013
~If I could I’d take all your tears, and carry all your sorrow,
I’d take the little broken bits, and hold them till tomorrow.
I'd take your place in the valley, shelter you from the rain,
Sprinkle sunshine all around you, and live with all the pain.
Sadly friend, I can’t take it all, but still I’ll stand by you,
And while the darkness closes in, the light always filters through.
So take my hand, we’ll walk a while, surrender and rearrange,
Find some way to work with life and the things that we can’t change.
Someday the pain will soften; I don’t think it ever goes away,
You just keep moving forward, and remember yesterday.
You’re thankful for every minute that he was here to stay,
And maybe for a moment, he doesn’t feel so far away.
And then it seems you smile, when your mind’s eye sees his face.
And you linger there in that memory that time cannot erase.
Thinking of you and your sweet family....love you muchly girly
Monday, April 22, 2013
Her name is Caroline.
~She is precious. Small and delicate, 83 years old with the kindest most childlike eyes I've ever seen. She came in to get her personal taxes done and so we chatted. We talked about her children and how she is widowed and it's just her now. She asked me about my life and my children and expressed her apologies for how some things have turned out. I gave her the checklists to fill out and she said she would be back. I smiled when she left, and hoped I would see her again. Two days later she returned....making her way up the two flights of stairs into our office. She stood in front of my desk, fumbled through her wallet and pulled out twenty five dollars and went to hand it to me.
"Do you remember me?" She said.
"I absolutely remember you." I replied.
How could I not!! This tiny little woman that I wanted to put in my pocket and keep forever...lol. She then went on to tell me that she wanted to pay me to fill out the forms for her...the doctors wrecked her eyes and now she can't see a thing, she said. Gosh she made me smile...the way she said it was with complete frustration but still a gentle sweetness about her....I told her she didn't need to pay me and that I would be happy to fill out the forms with her...we went through the pages and made more small talk along the way. When we were done she said "At least let me buy you some flowers, you've been so kind." Oh my heck....I melted right then...I told her she didn't need to do that...that I was happy to do it because it meant we got to chat a little longer. She told me thank you and left her stuff with me and went on her way. Two hours later...the office was chaos with people dropping off their tax information and I glanced down the hallway to see her weaving her way through the seven or eight people...with flowers in her hand...Tulips...perfect for Easter she said, and much deserved for the girl who let a little old lady chat the afternoon away. She handed them to me and left. After the room cleared of people I sat at my desk and stared at the flowers...and thought how lucky am I for this brief interaction with someone so special. I called her a few days later and let her know that her taxes were done. She wouldn't be able to get into town right away...she was taking care of her kids farm while they were out of town...I still giggle when I think about that. If you could have seen her. Picture your usual grandma who seems to shrink 2 or 3 inches every time you see her. Yep...that is Caroline and so to picture her working a farm....frick it just makes me smile. Anyways she came in two weeks later to sign her taxes. I chatted with her, helped her with her pin number on the machine because clearly the 6x6 magnifier she had was not doing it's job. When she had paid, I helped her gather her stuff up....I was sad in a way....I knew I wouldn't see her again...at least until next year. She stood there for a minute just looking at me...and then motioned for me to come out from my desk...and I did. I stood in front of her. She looked up at me...her blue blue eyes looking right into my eyes. She put her hands on my cheeks and said "You are divine."....I choked on the thank you that I mustered..."The prettiest thing about you is that the hard stuff in your life didn't make you hard, people can tend to get mean when life doesn't go their way, and you are so sweet still. "Thank you for saying that" I said. She started to walk away...and then turned around and said..."You are a precious, precious girl." Oh my gosh...yep my eyes got wet then. I don't think that she even realized what she left me with that day. When things go wrong, you blame yourself and dig out every single shortcoming about who you are, you carry all the blame...but the reality is....sometimes things just don't go the way you planned, it doesn't make you less than who you are and you can still be awesome, regardless of the lows!! I soooo hope that I'm just like her when I get older...so gentle and sweet but strong in her thoughts. <3
How people treat other people is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves.
I'd say this is pretty accurate. Most days I feel pretty good about the job I'm doing as a human being, and try to live my life like that, like Caroline...being kind....just to be kind. It's her birthday soon and I hope her day is incredibly blessed....wish she knew how thankful I was for that day in my office...she gave me a lil something that I really needed.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
He said: Go ahead, get mad, yell and tell me that I'm an ass. You've got that in you. You're scared that if you're a bitch I'm gonna walk away.
I said: I'm not scared that you're gonna walk away....if you walk away, you don't deserve to have me, cuz I'm worth it ya know.
He said: You're too sweet and that makes you no challenge and unfortunately guys like a challenge.
I said: Then maybe I'm just not the right girl for you.
He said: F****** fight for it, beg me to stay or something!
I said: I begged a man to choose me once....I'll never beg again. You should walk away.
And he did.....
I didn't cry right then....I swallowed the lump over and over so that he wouldn't see me cry.
But when I got home....oh my gosh....I sobbed my heart out. People handle people with this intentional cruelty sometimes, they take things from you, make you jaded, make you feel broken. How do people do that? Why do people that? I start to feel disconnected, removed...I start to feel like the things that I love very most about myself are the things that boys seem to hate the most. They don't want this sweet girl. They want moody, and dramatic, and catty. I don't understand. I constantly come back to that quote...."Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard....it goes on from there...oh my heck....Be Soft....how do you keep doing that when everyone tells you, that's why they have leave you, because you're too soft...somedays I feel that sweet part of me fading...like I'll keep it inside...I'll give it to my people but withold it from men. Ultimately it always comes back because that's who am...but shoot...sometimes...I wish I was different. Feels like there's a whole lot of leaving happening around here....that breaks my heart a little...it's just a bad day....it'll pass...still gonna keep being me, cuz oh my gosh...I kinda like this girl....someday someone will think sweetness is the best thing ever....and anyways...it's not like I can't be bitchy...I can...but not if there isn't a reason to be....I seek out happy.....isn't that a good thing?....Bleh...
~ “Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”
Tomorrow is a New Day :)
Saturday, March 23, 2013
"Do not judge, you have no idea the storm I've asked them to walk through." -God
Gonna keep reminding myself of that...giving grace for the fact that I am not capable of understanding exactly what someone else has or is going through.