Saturday, November 26, 2011

The Five Stages of Grief Redefined

Disclaimer: This post isn't intended to make light of the five stages. The few brief points of humor that are thrown in are only because I feel sassy today.... and I have a friend out there who needs more words than I can type in a text and so this post is mostly for that person.....aaaaaaaand I can't care(cuz I like the way Demi says it) what other people think or how some of my writings make them is what is...and I'm the boss of myself.

Okay because I find myself writing random thoughts....this is how I prefer to look at the five stages of grief.

Denial= WTF....This is the stage where you assume that someone has spun you into an alternate reality known as 'Not my Frickin life.' I lived here, in this stage for a long ass time...I rented a space and unpacked my things and settled into Denialville for a good little stay. This is also the stage....and I didn't know this back then but I know it now....where God protects you....saves you from yourself in ways until you are strong enough to deal with all the feelings and emotions that are going to come your way....thank God it was done that way because clearly I needed a little bit of time to be able to cope with my life.

Anger=MF(which stands for Mother Fawker...keeping it clean so as not to offend)...That little two letter abbreviation to the left needs no explanation....clearly this is the stage where all hell breaks loose and honestly the person who wronged you should be lucky that they have the title of means you still care even if it's ever so slightly. Honestly I could have come up with at least eight abbreviations for this stage...and I think that I struggled in this stage...I didn't know how to process how I felt, I couldn't recongnize how to understand it and what to do with the anger and since sadness and hurt is the emotion that rises quickest to the surface for me that is what happened. There was no raging, no breaking things, no seeing red....there was instead sitting in side myself with quiet, crying buckets, and living in walk in closets and bathtubs. Ok and I'm laughing now at the 'I think I struggled' part....since setting up a dwelling in a walk in closet isn't really common place for a lot of people.

Bargaining=WE(Whatever) This is the stage where I was willing to offer almost anything to create a different outcome...I considered sacrificing almost all moral and ethical reasoning. I was willing to derail all the growth that I had made in myself and make promises that I would inevitably not be able to keep because no one is perfect. I think I loathed this place the most, especially when I look back at it now....that I would be okay with turning away from all I knew myself to be in the hopes of saving something that maybe shoulnd't be saved.

Depression= FML....Those three letters that spell out a swear word phrase...yeah that phrase ruled my life for months....I loathed my life...I loathed the human race...I loved my children and like five other people(don't ask me if you are one of the should know the answer to that...:) but that is almost where it began and ended for me. I believed that almost all people were shitty...that at the end of the day I was not the exception to the rules in anyones life, I believed that most if not all people were selfish, and that everything is always done with a self serving attitude where their own personal gain is the number one concern. I was sadder than I have ever in my entire life....this was the stage where I remember so many nights of laying in bed and saying "Dear God, if you love me at all, please take me tonight so that I don't have to do one more day of this." It absolutely was during this phase where I genuinely felt the breaking in my spirit, though I know that the ultimate breaking had happened months prior. During this period of time, I felt fragile and damaged and completely lost...but I knew that creating quiet....within myself...and crying more tears than one human being should shed....I knew that it was during this period where the rebuilding within myself would happen.

Acceptance= TTCO....Time To Carry On......Some sites say that the fifth stage of grief is resignation....I don't prefer that word....resignation sounds different to me than acceptance....Acceptance says that at the end of the day, you still get to be the one that gets to decide how this chapter is going to end. Resignation gives the indication that you have no choice....I chose to move into acceptance so that I could move on....and so that we could all move in a certain place of limbo where no one is making choices and just going through the motions of day to day existence is no way for anyone to live....This is the stage where I felt the most scattered, restless, unsettled, unnerved and irritated because I just wanted some sense of normal back in my life....I had to accept that the choices were all things that couldn't be undone, I accepted that people were sorry, and deeply remorseful and understood that people make mistakes. I accepted that this was not part of my perfect plan and that I had no control over anything that came before but that I had all the control in how things would play out from here. That this would be MY moment where I would get to be the one to write the next chapter....and so I chose to say....there is no undoing what has been done and I can accept that but I am different now and stepping back from here seems like the only reasonable option at this point.

So there you have it....I can easliy look back now and see exactly what stage I was at and when that was....I'm kind of thankful now, that I can look back there and see how far I've come in 670 days(though when I write the number of kinda makes me wanna throw up a little in my mouth...but instead I'll say....not one day too soon...and not one day too late. It was absolutely the hardest walk of my life so far, but I survived and I am better than I was, and I am so so grateful for that.

Monday, November 14, 2011

It's all about the Ebb and Flow...

*Disclaimer* Let me make it clear this entry is not about keeping people in the is completely and entirely to make things perfectly clear to people who still continue to speculate about what is going on in my life. At the end of the day, I owe no one an explanation and struggled with writing this post for months, but nothing drives me more crazy than people assuming that they know what's going on when they really have no there....take that for what it's worth, not me being sassy....but definitely me reminding people that at the end of the choices.

I've learned a lot in the last year and a half....about life and people and especially about the person inside has been over a fact almost two....of constant change and growth...with some nice highs and the lowest of lows.

The Highs:

My angel daughter is back in public school and that has been great for her....she has a ton of friends and aside from the occasional social dramas that unfold amidst the angt of teenage life, she seems to be really enjoying it. Her brother is taking an accelerated online program....he's brilliant and feels there is no need to waste unnecessary time spending 8 hours relearning what you already know and really I have no valid agruement against that point. My oldest boy but still my baby boy....moved out....phew....I bawled my face off...and then said 1 down 2 to go and then bawled my face off some more. He's going to be fine and this I know, but holy cow.....19 years of life flashes in a blink when one of them is leaving home.

My baby sister had a baby....a perfect little girl named Cora....I personally felt so frickin' old when I saw pictures of the baby....thinking about doing that phase again made me feel kind of illish...of course she is thrilled...the baby is gorgeous, mom,dad and baby are all doing great.

I got to spend the entire summer away from Calgary....time with family, and my girls...time to breathe and reflect and ponder how to choose to be moving in a forward direction....always.....

"Sometimes you have to let go of the life you had planned, to live the life you were meant to have."

Life has brought our family to new places in the last year and a half and has tested Jason and I on a number of is hard...and marriage is ridiculously hard....sometimes no matter how hard you try, you just can't turn it around and that is the place that we found ourselves in towards the end of last year. We are moving into this time of our lives....trusting that all things will go the way that they should but that our lives are moving in separate directions. This separation isn't new...we've just chosen to keep our lives private. We are beyond the point of casting blame in either direction and instead choose to remember that our kids come first and their feelings matter most to us. That said all choices that we made in how we chose to proceed were done with the intention of keeping their best interests in mind.

The struggles in my personal life seem to be a constant reminder that the peaks and valleys are a daily occurence and that has become tiresome to me but I will still keep moving forward. Thank you to everyone who has known about the situation all the way through and has kept us in their prayers...we are so grateful.

I've learned some hard lessons this year...about human nature, friendships, relationships, parenting and personal growth. I've been disappointed in people and the way that they have handled certain situations. I have changed how some of my relationships function because I know that at the end of the day....they will always love themselves more than they love me and a certain measure of self preservation isn't a bad thing. I've seen friends find their voice as they strive to become the truest version of themselves....that in itself is an incredibly hard road to walk....when you choose to be, who you feel you are, you have to accept that there will be people who might not appreciate the new version of you....and that just has to be okay. I have wondered how people can sit so comfortably in their little glass houses...only because I know that generally no glass house is shatter proof. I have learned that you should never rely on another person for your own happiness and I've also decided that the expression 'two halves making a whole' is a load of crap. I am a complete person all by myself and no one makes me a better version of myself. If it all came down to it, everything that I would ever need, I already have....and I feel empowered by the knowledge of that.

I sit here now.....with so many unknowns still in front of me but the fear is gone(mostly), the deep deep sadness has grown into acceptance, and I can honestly say that this is what I is a constant journey, full of storms, and hurt and joy and passion, but every step of it gets you closer to where you are supposed to be.....and so I will take all of the very best parts of the life that I have lived so far, keeping those memories close to my heart, and I will let everything else fall. You never stay in the same place forever....gosh I clung to that hope last year....and it's true, life is different now, not different bad.....just different....and I'm okay with that.....and we're all doing okay.

*This post was previously posted but there was confusion about the date posted with it so I just decided to delete and repost.