Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Why are they calling me mother??

Okay know it's bad when you feel like you love your dog more than you love your own children....I the distance I can hear the *gasp* coming from some of my family members....I'm sorry for this brief moment of weakness....

It's just been one of those angel faced daughter is soooo hormonal that I feel my head getting hazy when I think of her at 16...she's loud and dramatic and we seem to be swinging between hugging her while she sobs but doesn't know why to her acting like the golden child...I'm tired......the 14 year old...yikes....his attitude these days makes me wish we had spanked them when they were younger so that I could even attempt to get away with it now....he acts like I have two heads sometimes and sadly...I'll admit that he probably is technically smarter than me, which makes it difficult to pull off actual, factual reasons for saying no to some of his requests...thus the reason why I always have to throw out the phrase that therapists every where will hate me for when it's plastered on T-shirts..."The best part of being the mother, is that I have all the power!"...I know...hate me.... and my 17 year old...uhmmm....I'm tired......sometimes I block them out and slip back in my mind...searching desperately for that tiny little crevice of forgotten memories that I save to facilitate reclaiming my sanity on days or weeks like this.....going backwards in my mind to the place where I am 16 and the biggest worry was what to wear to the designated house party that weekend....*sigh*...I linger there....I can feel my breathing relax, my heart rate slows.....*ahhhhhhh* was simple then......and's over...I get smacked back into reality when I can hear someone calling me...for a few seconds while still lost in my alternate universe I wonder why I can hear people calling me mom...and then I remember...I am the mother....

I do love them.....oh so much....but sometimes I wanna be the one to run away from home....

Additionally, as I've said a thousand times....trying to take pictures of the kids is a complete gong show....Logan thinks it's hilarious...then Mara decides he's getting to much attention and starts and then Colby gives decides to get in the action and 30 minutes later we are lucky if one half decent picture emerges....seriously??? How funny can it be 18 pictures later?? Case in point case you're interested.

In other news I'm super dee duper excited because tomorrow and Friday I get to go into someone else's house and organize...and get paid for it to boot!! How fun is that?? Well maybe not to other people but to me.....yep...tonight when I go to bed it will be like I'm going to Disneyland tomorrow and I'll be too excited to I know....that is the Obsessive Compulsive/Addictive Personality Disorder talking....

Reading this back....k it is kind of just a random rambling but I figured that I would write something a little lighter and somewhat weeks blog is all "Woman power, sis boom bah, rah rah me" so I decided to insert this one for fun.

Happy Wednesday all!(Two days down, still two to go....bleh)

PS...k I am dying laughing right now because Mara is sitting across from me and Logan walks up to her to help on the computer and I hear her whisper..."Uhmmm I feel like I'm choking...I just breathed in your arm pit stink except it went in through my mouth." to Logan.....ahhhh.....can't ya just feel the love?

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Sometimes it's the little things....

Uhmmm Quicky Disclaimer: So you might want to grab a coffee and some light snacks...this one is like a little novel....clearly I have a lot to say these days.....

When I look back on my life...all the milestones, the ups, the downs, and all the in betweens, I realize now that it's all the little things that have added up to be something really big in the scope of my life. Sometimes I think that unintentionally we take for granted what we have, who we have and where we are in life...but sometimes God has a different plan that brings you to your knees and gives you a moment to ponder where the real value is in life....for so many months now I feel like I have done a long inventory of myself, my role in my family, and especially my relationship with her...that girl that looks back at me in the mirror. A couple of months ago I remember looking at her and seeing someone so lost and so fragile...someone trapped in the confusion of her life and second guessing everything about herself. But she is different....I am different. I'm strong and wise and creative and forgiving and confident. I truly have grown into someone that I always wanted to just took hard things to get me there. I have learned a ton....really learned...I always try to pass life lessons on to my kids but certainly there were times when the conviction that I held in those lessons was perhaps less than what I was trying to convey to them. I definitely know that the things I have learned will make me better and while I can say that I never would have chosen this road in which to learn all of these lessons on, I do know that going through hard things really does make you better.

New things I learned and old things that I needed to be reminded of:

God's always listening but you can't pick and choose what his answer will be.
It doesn't matter where you are going in life, it matters who is with you.
Children see the best in you even when you see the worst in yourself.
It's all about quality of life and not quantity of life.
People who work to live are way smarter than the people who live to work.
Crying is okay.
Never take the people in your life for granted.
It's okay to say enough is enough and mean it.
Listen to your children, they have a lot to say and they are pretty smart too.
Do what you love even if other people don't love it as much as you do.
Be thankful and say thank you to the people that have walked beside you, especially through the stormy parts of life.
Not everyone thinks your crazy.
Seeing the sunshine in your life is by your own choosing.
That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Be who you are and know that there is someone out there who thinks that you are amazing.
Money makes life easier but it shouldn't be what makes life better.
Being a constant work in progress is a good thing.
Choose everyday to do one thing different.
Sometimes I'm a little clueless but when you are super cute, you can totally pull it off.
Make sure the people you love, know it.
This girl is worth the work and the effort.
Fight for something if you really think it's worth it.
Say no if you need to but be prepared to walk all the way through it.
With big love, there are big hurts.
When you show people who you really are at the heart of it, there will be people who leave it but the people that matter and think that you matter, will take it...all of it.
Every day is a gift, cherish it, use it, live it.
I'm so much stronger than I ever thought I was.
Sometimes people hurt you but it doesn't mean that they don't love you.
All roads, even the bumpy ones, lead you somewhere.
I'd rather MAKE a situation right than BE right.
Walking through things sometimes means a person's feelings will get hurt but that's okay.
It's okay to have a pool of people to draw advice from but it's also okay to listen to myself.
It's okay to have an equal relationship where neither person holds the power.
The best memories were created without money or going anywhere.
That giving your whole heart to someone is really scary but totally worth it.
If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.
When you know better, you do better.

A few months ago I would have said that I had stepped backwards 10 years in the personal growth department, that I am no where near as strong as I thought I was but here I sit all these months later knowing different. I am strong, stronger than I could have imagined I was. Even though there are days when I still feel like I'm walking in the rain, that rain storm in my mind feels different now than it did all those months ago. I can sit here now after all this time, knowing that I'm okay and that I'll be far from perfect with so much work to do I always say....but when I look at her now...her reflection stares back at me with so much more in her eyes...and I see her for who she is now...capable and beautiful, and so intricately designed. Still timid in some ways but so confident in others. More forgiving than she used to be, and more compassionate too. She sees the other side of the equation clearly now, and finds understanding and grace in that. This journey isn't over and no one knows where it will lead but it doesn't matter....I'll take the rain as it comes....because I know now what happens in the rain.

Walking in the Rain

Some days life just simply feels,
As though you’re walking in the rain,
And trying to escape the downpour,
Often seems to be in vain.

But sometimes if you let yourself,
Feel the damp upon your skin,
You find yourself surrendering,
When the storm starts rolling in.

You let the rain cascade down,
As it soaks you to the bone,
Your tears mingle with the droplets,
And you see how much you’ve grown.

In the days of stormy weather,
You find serenity in this place,
Where you truly look beyond yourself,
To find the wisdom and the grace.

You take comfort in the knowing,
That the rain will always pass,
And in the promise of perfection,
In the sky draped arc of colored glass.

You’ll smile now because you understand,
Sometimes rainbows take so long,
But if you pay attention in the storm you'll see,
That it's in the rain where you grow strong.

Written by me...

Happy Tuesday all.