Therapy Session Eleventy Billion :)(Don't judge)
Her: Do you love him?
Me: Why are you asking me this?
Her: I just want you to think about it...just think about if you do....and what that looks like for you....and then tell me about it.
Do I love him? Holy hell...that question is so hard! Dang it!
We are opposite in a dozen ways and kindred in other ways. The walls he has built feel like they are ten thousand feet high and most of the time it feels impossible to get beyond them. He's stubborn...especially when he thinks he right....and so I let him win...:) He has no filter....about anything really...and some of the things he says out loud, I can live without hearing. He's too open minded about some things and he's a spend-aholic(but he's working on it) But oh my gosh....he's soft and sooooo smart. When he doesn't know something...he finds the answer....he doesn't just leave it. He's composed...he's a critical thinker and I love that!! He processes before forming an opinion.....He is a manly man but in so many ways there is the gentleness and vulnerability of a little boy and I just want to protect him.... The way he clears his throat when he has something to say, gives me a lump in mine. He makes me laugh...all.the.time. He likes to talk...to me...and he listens to what I say and when he looks at me, he really looks at me. Being around him, makes me feel calm. Honestly....it isn't really anything that he does or doesn't do...for the first time in my entire life, I sit in a place of having to say...I know how I feel and I can't explain it...and that scares the shit outta me.
In a ton of ways, he isn't what I would pick at all! He's quiet...introverted in a few little ways. He has that magic little switch that I'm certain is mostly only found in boys. The one that shuts things off as quick as it turns them on. That switch is terrifying...I loathe that switch more than anything else. I'm used to being with guys who gush their feelings to me...men who can't contain their emotions...and here I find myself with someone who seems to have no emotions to most things...at least that's how it appears on the outside. He's not big on words of affirmation, and his reactions to things are never over the top excited, whereas I'm the kind of girl that tries to contain the fact that when he walks through the door, I want to be doing some sort of cheer routine to welcome him home...cept how awkward would that be...lol....so instead I throw out a casual "Hey, how was your day?"
I should run from him...I should find the exit, go through the door, slam it shut and leave it closed. But I can't. I can't because....
I guess I trust that everyone that comes into your life, comes with a purpose. I choose to believe that he is here to help me heal some of the broken bits, and that maybe I can do the same for him.
Her: You haven't answered my question..
Me: What was the question?
Her: Very funny... do you love him?
Me: This isn't helping me....
Her: 10 months ago you told me that you hoped that from this point on you would be spared from the cruelty of love, that you feel disposeable and that they all leave and that it isn't worth the pain. You said that you would be happy for the ones who float in and out, and that you wouldn't give anyone that part of you that you can't easily take back. Do you remember that?
Her: Do you remember saying that no one deserves that part of you, that when you give it, you give all you have and they crush you, and steal it and leave you standing alone?
Her: Know what?
Her: You have healed in ways over the last year that you don't even see! I think you're crying because you know that! So you can answer the question now if you want to....
He told me months ago that there was a possibilty he wouldn't stay. He told me weeks ago that he needs to work on the voice in his head that tells him that nothing lasts forever. Since the beginning he has seemed to be caught somewhere in the middle place of wanting to stay but thinking he might need to go...and still I stayed. This girl with a terrifying fear of being abandoned...stayed. This girl who hates building the story in her mind of how someone feels...stayed...while the boy said very little. This girl nursing her own tender wounds....stayed. This girl who thrives best on knowing where she's going, what she's doing and who she's with....stayed...despite the script and cast not being set in stone...she stayed....While everything in me told me to bolt...I stayed.....he needed things from me....things that only I could give him...but more than that...I needed things that only he could give me, and whether that is for a little while or a long time...I know I'll be better for it. I know that he'll leave far more with me than what he takes with him if he goes....and I'll still be okay :)
Maybe it's sad that you start to get used to people leaving...maybe it's sad that you almost expect it...for everyone to leave...but how awesome it is.....that even though I expect they might leave...I still give them the very best of what I have...
Loving someone is the purest thing you can do, it is an act that requires the most faith in the purpose behind it, because when you love someone, it comes with no guarantee that they will love you back. It is the single most perfect act of character that a person can display if it is done with the right intentions. I have learned that forevers with anyone seem questionable. I want that...I know it exists, I just don't trust that it will be part of the design for my life, and maybe it won't...but I won't stop striving for it.
Me: The answer is yes.
Her: Are you okay with that?
Me: What are my other choices? I fell in love with him...I can't unlove him...he hasn't done anything wrong to earn that.
Her: So what will you do?
Me: Be afraid, feel lost, struggle for air, be mad that he doesn't know, act like I'm five, try to talk myself out of it......and still love him...
Her: Seeeeee you are healing....and besides...what's the worse case scenario??
Me: No one dies.