Friday, June 22, 2012
Okay....soooo I wanted to blog....mmmmm.....like awhile ago....but I was kinda up and down and finding myself trudging through some little puddles and some big valleys.....so I waited...I waited because I don't want my people to always have to read about my life in a way where I've backed it with a somber tone....and honestly....there was no way around the somberness(??)(probably not a word)(but it is now) for a good little while cuz I needed time to pull it together.....sooooo....now I've kinda sorta half assed done that and thought I should blog about it. Waaaaaaaay back in February I got me a real grown up job. Office admin with a little bit o' team morale building thrown in there(which honestly is probably my calling, though jobs in that category seem scarce...:)) I love the job...really enjoy interacting with other grown ups....it's maybe not as artsy fartsy as I would like but it serves its intended purpose of paying the bills so I'll take it and be over the top grateful that God gave me enough courage to go for it! In other news....all my children are still alive....kind of a miracle in itself....given that I'm maxed out in the patience, and energy departments....they are doing good....adjusting to the curve ball that life sometimes throws us. There's been bitterness, extreme anger, resentment and buckets of tears....but...there has also been sweet moments, and picking up the slack, and support of my choices, and tons of laughing. I have met some really good people over these last few months who have encouraged me to just go ahead and take some chances...uhmmmm....living in the confinement of these cute little walls that I built around myself was comforting to me....for a long time actually...It made me feel safe....no one can hurt you if you don't allow them access to that part of you....I liked it there...in that safe place....for that time of my life....but then one of my very best friends....my momma....said one tiny little thing to me....and I don't think that she even realizes that that one little phrase totally changed my attitude...."You deserve to be happy".....oh my gosh....other people said it....all the time...and why wouldn't they....frick....I'm a great girl! :) But when she said it....I actually heard it..."I deserve to be happy".....and I had to acknowledge that maybe in some ways....I was keeping myself inside those walls partially for self preservation....but partially because I think maybe I was punishing myself for failing in the one area that I had spent over half of my life trying to perfect... I spent a couple hours in conversation with myself(yes some of it was out loud conversation...brilliant people talk to themselves....just saying) and then I had a moment of complete release....where I could feel it all the way deep down in my soul....I had reached the very end....I had reached the end in a lot of areas but I hadn't reached it within myself....there is no changing anything that is behind me.....but honestly... I'm excited about the future now.....and I know....without a doubt.....that every little thing is gonna be alright.....:) For months and months now....I have constantly forced myself to be a 'chin up' kinda girl....to be thankful for where I'm at....and acknowledge that it could be worse.....aaaaaaaaand these days especially....I have far more in my life to be happy about....while little parts here and there feel messy and it would be nice for a few things to come together......the big stuff....the stuff that really matters this girl....oh my gosh...the happiness wrapped up in all of that....far exceeds the areas that are driving me crazy.....Life is good... and I just can't really ask for anymore than that.... :) Soooooo that's it....my little blurb on life....I'm sorry to the people that I've maybe dropped the ball on....life is busy....that's no excuse....and I'm going to work on managing my time better so that I feel connected to the people who love me... K so I'm signing off....but I surely hope that y'all are finding and living your own happiness out there....and if you aren't.....then get off yer arse and go find it!
at 3:17 PM