Stealing the Sweetness

It's just one of those days. A day when I hate online dating. I hate the feeling of it feeling like an interview. I hate how quickly the conversations degenerate into intimate territory. I hate how they say just the right things to suck you in. They make you believe the lies that so freely fall from theirs mouths. They change you and mess with your mind...and then when they have you, it's like they try to steal your sweetness.
He said: Go ahead, get mad, yell and tell me that I'm an ass. You've got that in you. You're scared that if you're a bitch I'm gonna walk away.

I said: I'm not scared that you're gonna walk away....if you walk away, you don't deserve to have me, cuz I'm worth it ya know.

He said: You're too sweet and that makes you no challenge and unfortunately guys like a challenge.

I said: Then maybe I'm just not the right girl for you.

He said: F****** fight for it, beg me to stay or something!

I said: I begged a man to choose me once....I'll never beg again. You should walk away.

And he did.....

I didn't cry right then....I swallowed the lump over and over so that he wouldn't see me cry.

But when I got home....oh my gosh....I sobbed my heart out. People handle people with this intentional cruelty sometimes, they take things from you, make you jaded, make you feel broken. How do people do that? Why do people that? I start to feel disconnected, removed...I start to feel like the things that I love very most about myself are the things that boys seem to hate the most. They don't want this sweet girl. They want moody, and dramatic, and catty. I don't understand. I constantly come back to that quote...."Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard....it goes on from there...oh my heck....Be Soft....how do you keep doing that when everyone tells you, that's why they have leave you, because you're too soft...somedays I feel that sweet part of me fading...like I'll keep it inside...I'll give it to my people but withold it from men. Ultimately it always comes back because that's who am...but shoot...sometimes...I wish I was different. Feels like there's a whole lot of leaving happening around here....that breaks my heart a little...it's just a bad day....it'll pass...still gonna keep being me, cuz oh my gosh...I kinda like this girl....someday someone will think sweetness is the best thing ever....and anyways...it's not like I can't be bitchy...I can...but not if there isn't a reason to be....I seek out happy.....isn't that a good thing?....Bleh...

~ “Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”

Tomorrow is a New Day :)