Sunday, December 11, 2011

How much is enough??

Have you ever had someone make choices that made it seem as though they were legitimately attempting to break your spirit? Have you ever had someone spew words at you that were so cutting and so humiliating, that it would have seemed more kind and painless had they just spit in your face? Have you ever had someone take you from the place of being so valuable in their life and then throwing you away as though you were nothing more than trash? Have you felt the sting of what it feels like to have someone look at you, but have it feel as though they aren't seeing you at all? Do you know what it feels like to have someone treat you as though you aren't even a human being with real feelings? Have you ever laid in bed at night and wondered how it could be that someone could claim to love you so much in one breath....and then rip you to shreds in the next? Have you thought about how lonely your life would be, if everyone judged every choice you make? Have you lived that lowest moment, where the rejection runs so incredibly deep, that drowning seems certain? I always thought that I surrounded myself with amazing women. Women who were strong and independent and confident and brave. Women whose strengths far outnumbered their weaknesses. Women who loved me despite it all. Women who would walk all the way through anything with me and carry some of the load if they had to. Women who would always have my back and whose faith in me would never waiver. Women who would tirelessly reassure me that I am good enough and smart enough. Women who understood what it means to be a woman and how hard that road can be sometimes. I intentionally avoided women who were calculating and cruel and spiteful and bitter. I tried to stay away from the ones who were bitchy and catty. I have never ever been more disappointed than I am now. To come to the realization that some of these women that I held in such high regard, could be so thoughtless and careless with their tongues and their actions. It is one thing to have an opinion and stand behind that...I applaud that....because everyone is entitled to feel the way they is entirely something different, to behave in a way that causes someone public humiliation and further hurt when they are already carrying so much. To make choices that are so completely intentional leaving that other person stripped of all pride and completely broken is what I believe to be the cruelest act that one person could display towards another....I have lived the moment where I felt completely stripped of all that I was by someone who was supposed to love is an unbearable moment to walk through.... All that stuff up there....those questions....I've felt all that....and lived all of that....and I would never ever wish that on a stranger....let alone someone that I called a friend. The complete and utter disregard for the fact that the cruelty being displayed is hitting a real person on the other end is completely shocking to me. When someone shows you who they are.....believe them....and now I do...... Don't send me a message asking if this is about know if it's about you....I really have nothing more to say....other than the fact that those who live in glass houses should try to remember that no glass house is shatter proof.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

The Five Stages of Grief Redefined

Disclaimer: This post isn't intended to make light of the five stages. The few brief points of humor that are thrown in are only because I feel sassy today.... and I have a friend out there who needs more words than I can type in a text and so this post is mostly for that person.....aaaaaaaand I can't care(cuz I like the way Demi says it) what other people think or how some of my writings make them is what is...and I'm the boss of myself.

Okay because I find myself writing random thoughts....this is how I prefer to look at the five stages of grief.

Denial= WTF....This is the stage where you assume that someone has spun you into an alternate reality known as 'Not my Frickin life.' I lived here, in this stage for a long ass time...I rented a space and unpacked my things and settled into Denialville for a good little stay. This is also the stage....and I didn't know this back then but I know it now....where God protects you....saves you from yourself in ways until you are strong enough to deal with all the feelings and emotions that are going to come your way....thank God it was done that way because clearly I needed a little bit of time to be able to cope with my life.

Anger=MF(which stands for Mother Fawker...keeping it clean so as not to offend)...That little two letter abbreviation to the left needs no explanation....clearly this is the stage where all hell breaks loose and honestly the person who wronged you should be lucky that they have the title of means you still care even if it's ever so slightly. Honestly I could have come up with at least eight abbreviations for this stage...and I think that I struggled in this stage...I didn't know how to process how I felt, I couldn't recongnize how to understand it and what to do with the anger and since sadness and hurt is the emotion that rises quickest to the surface for me that is what happened. There was no raging, no breaking things, no seeing red....there was instead sitting in side myself with quiet, crying buckets, and living in walk in closets and bathtubs. Ok and I'm laughing now at the 'I think I struggled' part....since setting up a dwelling in a walk in closet isn't really common place for a lot of people.

Bargaining=WE(Whatever) This is the stage where I was willing to offer almost anything to create a different outcome...I considered sacrificing almost all moral and ethical reasoning. I was willing to derail all the growth that I had made in myself and make promises that I would inevitably not be able to keep because no one is perfect. I think I loathed this place the most, especially when I look back at it now....that I would be okay with turning away from all I knew myself to be in the hopes of saving something that maybe shoulnd't be saved.

Depression= FML....Those three letters that spell out a swear word phrase...yeah that phrase ruled my life for months....I loathed my life...I loathed the human race...I loved my children and like five other people(don't ask me if you are one of the should know the answer to that...:) but that is almost where it began and ended for me. I believed that almost all people were shitty...that at the end of the day I was not the exception to the rules in anyones life, I believed that most if not all people were selfish, and that everything is always done with a self serving attitude where their own personal gain is the number one concern. I was sadder than I have ever in my entire life....this was the stage where I remember so many nights of laying in bed and saying "Dear God, if you love me at all, please take me tonight so that I don't have to do one more day of this." It absolutely was during this phase where I genuinely felt the breaking in my spirit, though I know that the ultimate breaking had happened months prior. During this period of time, I felt fragile and damaged and completely lost...but I knew that creating quiet....within myself...and crying more tears than one human being should shed....I knew that it was during this period where the rebuilding within myself would happen.

Acceptance= TTCO....Time To Carry On......Some sites say that the fifth stage of grief is resignation....I don't prefer that word....resignation sounds different to me than acceptance....Acceptance says that at the end of the day, you still get to be the one that gets to decide how this chapter is going to end. Resignation gives the indication that you have no choice....I chose to move into acceptance so that I could move on....and so that we could all move in a certain place of limbo where no one is making choices and just going through the motions of day to day existence is no way for anyone to live....This is the stage where I felt the most scattered, restless, unsettled, unnerved and irritated because I just wanted some sense of normal back in my life....I had to accept that the choices were all things that couldn't be undone, I accepted that people were sorry, and deeply remorseful and understood that people make mistakes. I accepted that this was not part of my perfect plan and that I had no control over anything that came before but that I had all the control in how things would play out from here. That this would be MY moment where I would get to be the one to write the next chapter....and so I chose to say....there is no undoing what has been done and I can accept that but I am different now and stepping back from here seems like the only reasonable option at this point.

So there you have it....I can easliy look back now and see exactly what stage I was at and when that was....I'm kind of thankful now, that I can look back there and see how far I've come in 670 days(though when I write the number of kinda makes me wanna throw up a little in my mouth...but instead I'll say....not one day too soon...and not one day too late. It was absolutely the hardest walk of my life so far, but I survived and I am better than I was, and I am so so grateful for that.

Monday, November 14, 2011

It's all about the Ebb and Flow...

*Disclaimer* Let me make it clear this entry is not about keeping people in the is completely and entirely to make things perfectly clear to people who still continue to speculate about what is going on in my life. At the end of the day, I owe no one an explanation and struggled with writing this post for months, but nothing drives me more crazy than people assuming that they know what's going on when they really have no there....take that for what it's worth, not me being sassy....but definitely me reminding people that at the end of the choices.

I've learned a lot in the last year and a half....about life and people and especially about the person inside has been over a fact almost two....of constant change and growth...with some nice highs and the lowest of lows.

The Highs:

My angel daughter is back in public school and that has been great for her....she has a ton of friends and aside from the occasional social dramas that unfold amidst the angt of teenage life, she seems to be really enjoying it. Her brother is taking an accelerated online program....he's brilliant and feels there is no need to waste unnecessary time spending 8 hours relearning what you already know and really I have no valid agruement against that point. My oldest boy but still my baby boy....moved out....phew....I bawled my face off...and then said 1 down 2 to go and then bawled my face off some more. He's going to be fine and this I know, but holy cow.....19 years of life flashes in a blink when one of them is leaving home.

My baby sister had a baby....a perfect little girl named Cora....I personally felt so frickin' old when I saw pictures of the baby....thinking about doing that phase again made me feel kind of illish...of course she is thrilled...the baby is gorgeous, mom,dad and baby are all doing great.

I got to spend the entire summer away from Calgary....time with family, and my girls...time to breathe and reflect and ponder how to choose to be moving in a forward direction....always.....

"Sometimes you have to let go of the life you had planned, to live the life you were meant to have."

Life has brought our family to new places in the last year and a half and has tested Jason and I on a number of is hard...and marriage is ridiculously hard....sometimes no matter how hard you try, you just can't turn it around and that is the place that we found ourselves in towards the end of last year. We are moving into this time of our lives....trusting that all things will go the way that they should but that our lives are moving in separate directions. This separation isn't new...we've just chosen to keep our lives private. We are beyond the point of casting blame in either direction and instead choose to remember that our kids come first and their feelings matter most to us. That said all choices that we made in how we chose to proceed were done with the intention of keeping their best interests in mind.

The struggles in my personal life seem to be a constant reminder that the peaks and valleys are a daily occurence and that has become tiresome to me but I will still keep moving forward. Thank you to everyone who has known about the situation all the way through and has kept us in their prayers...we are so grateful.

I've learned some hard lessons this year...about human nature, friendships, relationships, parenting and personal growth. I've been disappointed in people and the way that they have handled certain situations. I have changed how some of my relationships function because I know that at the end of the day....they will always love themselves more than they love me and a certain measure of self preservation isn't a bad thing. I've seen friends find their voice as they strive to become the truest version of themselves....that in itself is an incredibly hard road to walk....when you choose to be, who you feel you are, you have to accept that there will be people who might not appreciate the new version of you....and that just has to be okay. I have wondered how people can sit so comfortably in their little glass houses...only because I know that generally no glass house is shatter proof. I have learned that you should never rely on another person for your own happiness and I've also decided that the expression 'two halves making a whole' is a load of crap. I am a complete person all by myself and no one makes me a better version of myself. If it all came down to it, everything that I would ever need, I already have....and I feel empowered by the knowledge of that.

I sit here now.....with so many unknowns still in front of me but the fear is gone(mostly), the deep deep sadness has grown into acceptance, and I can honestly say that this is what I is a constant journey, full of storms, and hurt and joy and passion, but every step of it gets you closer to where you are supposed to be.....and so I will take all of the very best parts of the life that I have lived so far, keeping those memories close to my heart, and I will let everything else fall. You never stay in the same place forever....gosh I clung to that hope last year....and it's true, life is different now, not different bad.....just different....and I'm okay with that.....and we're all doing okay.

*This post was previously posted but there was confusion about the date posted with it so I just decided to delete and repost.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Betcha didn't know.....

Okay seriously, I'm too depressed today to blog about anything emotional, serious, worldly or enlightening. Depressed isn't even the right word...I'm grouchy....I hate the snow, I hate the cold, and am quickly becoming seriously jaded by the human race as a whole......ick... I hate having a bad attitude but I just do today and it's okay because I'm allowed because I'm the boss of there!

In case you didn't know this, I am profoundly genius for sure way smarter than any of my friends....this statement would come as no surprise to them as they all concure(see how I threw a 'smart' word in there) and everyone agrees that I should have been a therapist thus my trademarked comment "Pay me like I'm licensed." <-----(Not to be used out of context)

In an effort to perk up the foul mood I'm are a few things about me that I betcha didn't know....

-Green skittles taste like the smell of stink bugs to me.
-I have an ice crunching habit.
-When I get stress out I twist my hair.
-I clean my ears obsessively.
-When I want to stop my self from crying I pinch my ear.
-I talk out loud to myself(a sign of genius.....just additional key note here would be that the author of a yet-to-be published book called 'Smart Plan' also talks to for thought there.
-I still hate feet....with a passion.
-I wrap my fingers around my wrist at least 5 times a day.
-I'm a little obsessed with the labels on things in my pantry.
-Coffee is quite possibly my very favorite thing on the planet.
-Dancing always makes me feel better.
-The smell of Nina Apple perfume makes me smile no matter what (like literally smile)
-My bucket list has 33 things on it.
-I burn candles every single day almost....even in the summer.
-I hate scrambled eggs.
-Sometimes I use his razor just to make him mad.
-I hide money and then forget where I put it.
-I write something almost every day.
-I loathe liver.
-I've thrown up on a carnival ride.
-I love scary movies.
-I chew the inside of my lip when I'm anxious.
-When I'm laying in bed at night, if I can't fall asleep, I tap my feet against the bed until I fall asleep.
-I love coupons.
-My feet aren't ticklish.
-When I was seven I flipped over a stairs banister and cracked open my chin.
-I love the feeling of sneezing.
-I adore the Little House on the Prairie Series.
-I love walking alone in the dark.
-I hum when I'm in pain.
-I'm a very chatty person in the morning and the fact that other people aren't is very fascinating to me.
-I hate the circus.
-I'm a word-a-holic....I love quotes and profound sayings.
-Sometimes when I organize a closet or cupboard I stand there and just look at it.
-Most of the time I feel like I was born in the wrong generation.
-My favorite flowers are Daisies.
-I analyze my face in a 12 times magnifying mirror every night before I go to bed(Not recommended)
-I say 'Hey' instead of 'Eh'

On a different note referring to the coffee statement....I have truly come to appreciate that first cup of coffee in the morning....when I come down stairs and no one is awake and I sit in the quiet pondering the day, and life and other stuff. I do love to chat in the morning but my soul loves that part of the day where me, myself and I sit together and formulate our(meaning my because I do not have more than one person living in me)plan for the day.....I guess the point to this little paragraph was just to say....find your little moment....that 5 minutes or whatever it is when you take the time to just be with matters.....and you're worth it.

Happy Thursday all!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

It's a new year full of new hope.....hopefully...:)

I sat down in front of my laptop this morning and my fingertips rested on the keys without movement for at least 10 minutes...occasionally I would clasp my hands in my lap and wrench my fingers and then place them on the keys again waiting for the words to come....and then I walked away for a bit because nothing came.
365 days, 8760 hours, 525,600 minutes, 31,536,000 seconds that are gone. Last year was tough but this year....phew....I'd take one hundred last years over this year. Even just writing what I've written so far has huge tears streaming down my face....geeeesh....I have to come back to this.
I'm sure that my posts often relay as a complete downer sometimes but I feel like a blog is meant for you to share where you're really at with your life....the good and bad and everything in between.
I remember writing my blog last year, almost giddy at the end of the year, never so thankful to say goodbye to those 365 days. If only I had known. This year tested me on every level imaginable in more ways than I ever anticipated.
There were days when taking my own advice of keeping my eyes on the sky was completely impossible....I wanted nothing more than sit in my closet and cry for days.
I used to think that I knew where I was going....and it seems I'm waiting.....waiting for a sign....waiting for the something that happens that tells me what direction to go. I feel like there isn't any point in publishing this if it's filled with fluff when that isn't real. Sometimes we don't say out loud where we're really at because we know people will judge us but what I've learned is that no matter how you're living your life....someone is always judging and I guess at the end of the just is what it is....judge me or don' doesn't really matter. I also have to acknowledge that there is huge fear in saying it out loud because when you do that, you have accept that you yourself, know where you're at and as Dr. Phil says "When you know better, you do better." All that to say, I wouldn't be being honest if I didn't say how I really feel, however let's keep in mind that it's okay for it to be a toned down version of how I feel because no one needs the full version of truth here.
There have been more days than not when I wanted to run to that familiar place where I felt like I could just breath and be and where for a few perfect moments my life would fade away. To that one place where the gentle comfort offered to me reminded me that I was still someone. There have been more days than not when I have wondered where I'd be right now if I had turned left instead of right. I have gone to the same places I visited before, just to feel the smile cross my face in the remembering of parts of my life that didn't feel quite so hard. I have listened to the songs that take me somewhere else, so that I can feel those old feelings again because all of these feelings hurt too much. I float back and forth between feeling like the strongest person in the world to feeling like the weakest. I spend hours wondering how people really get past big big do you do it? I'm sure that Linda( an amazing woman and everyone's much loved Therapist) would say that it's all in the do you frickin choose it though?? I too stubborn to choose it or too weak to choose it??
In so many ways this has felt like the longest year of my life and yet somehow it's shocking to me that this year has come and gone. I'm realistic enough to know that the first half of this next year is going to be hard....emotionally hard....but I have faith that somewhere in there, God will open my eyes to the things that I need to learn about myself, and the courage that I need to take away from this one way or the other so that I can move forward. Life should be a constant evolution of change and growth and if you aren't changing or growing then you aren't truly many times I remind myself of this.
Sometimes you see the path in front of you, so perfectly laid out, just simply waiting for you to walk it....maybe that path is the design for my life....but I also know that moving in a different direction is another path where the road is not so plainly in sight, where the unknowns are mine to explore....and that path is terrifying but if there is one thing that I tiny little is that through all of life's changes I will still keep breathing and a new day will always come.
I wish that blogging a New Year's Resolution would help it hold so much more conviction but I know myself well enough to know that 6 days from now I may totally be bitching about announcing my resolution out loud because it's too hard to keep....soooo.....this isn't a resolution. These are a few of the little things that I have learned.
1. Words are just words if there is no action with them.
2. I believe the best in people even when they have shown me the worst.
3. There are genuinely kind people in the world who don't want anything from you.
4. Clearly a person never runs out of tears.
5. A lot of the stuff you think matters.....really doesn't.
6. I should always listen to that little something that tells me that I know better.
7. I'm okay being the boss of myself.
8. Thinking about Karma makes me smile.
9. Being who you really are isn't that hard, especially if you're okay with the fact that not everyone will like you....and I'm okay with that.
10.I never want to be responsible for changing the mental and emotional make up of another person in a negative way....perhaps that's why I am often more gentle with my words than they deserve.
11. I have far more appreciation for the all the people in my life who loved me without telling me what to do.
12. Just because you make a plan doesn't make it so.
13. Honesty really is the best policy.
14. Someone can only take your power if you let them.
15. Having faith in something that you can't see is brutally hard some days but there were days where that was the only thing that got me through.
16. My purpose in life does not lie solely in being the everything to one person.
I could go on but I think I'll save some things for a profoundly insightful post in the future. This post seems to hold no great wisdom or's just simply where I'm at and reading it back it does sound kind of depressing but I'm not depressed. Unsettled a little and restless a lot but not depressed.
It's hard for me right now to go into the New Year with a rah rah sis boom bah attitude but I am trying to spark a slight sense of optimism that change is good and I can handle every day that comes my way no matter how hard it is.
For my family and friends I wish nothing but happiness, contentment and abundant blessings this year. May you laugh more, cry less, dream bigger, and love stronger and may you always find joy in the simplest of things.