Friday, July 30, 2010

The Best Parts of She......

Quicky Disclaimer: This one is really loooooooong and quite possibly a little ramblish (not a word...I know) but this is my little piece of self therapy....8)

She is lost, she tells herself that she is weak, and fragile and vulnerable. She sometimes insists that she is incapable of making big decisions all on her own. She convinces herself that majority rules is the best policy, perhaps so that she doesn’t have to take responsibility for her choices. She makes herself believe in things that couldn’t be true because sometimes it feels easier to believe a lie than to walk through the truth. She takes all the blame and holds accountability for too many things…..she shreds her own personal growth to lift ownership from other people. She is much too hard on herself sometimes….and sadly there are times when she looks at her own reflection with such disappointment…….as her eyes lean in closer to that girl in the mirror and whisper to her that she is a failure. She is angry….mostly at herself for not seeing all the things that seemed to be so clearly pointing in one direction. She’s loathes that she found herself in a place that she had vowed to never ever walk. She feels like a failure in mothering her children as she walked through the short period of her life where she unintentionally checked out of theirs. The rain storm in her own life was drowning her and she failed to see that perhaps they were feeling the rain just as much. She has cried as she felt the breaking happen and she has screamed out to God as she felt the sharp sting of her reality. She is bitter and jaded…unjustly sitting in this place where none of her own actions have earned her this seat. In her mind she dreams about slipping into the driver’s seat, driving away into the darkness and never coming back…..


She is strong….and she knows it. She is wise….wise enough to make decisions all by herself without the weight of others having bearing on her choices. She is forgiving….and perhaps some would say that she forgives more than she should….but still she does. She has faith….in God…and in those who she forgives. She forgives when they haven’t earned it….in the hopes that they will show her that they deserve it. She stands firm in the accountability to which she has to take ownership of….and nothing more. She does not carry other people’s choices or consequences as her own. She sees things clearly for what they were and what they are. She acknowledges that not everyone will appreciate her approach but still she smiles while she draws her line in the sand and stands behind it. She feels confident in speaking out loud her own truth with full realization that she can’t control other people’s response to it. She is nicer than she should be sometimes…and knows that many times she offers a smile instead of a smack because at the end of the day kindness really does matter. Her heart is stronger than she dreamed it ever was and her spirit, though still nursing some tender wounds, will not be broken. She is witty and funny and smart. She has walked with more grace than she herself would have ever believed she was capable of, and though clueless at times, she is not oblivious. She is confident and patient and proud of herself. She sits proud of how far she has come over these passing days. All those months ago, when it felt as though every fiber of her being was shattering into a thousand pieces of broken glass…..and now here she sits….a mosaic in progress….not the same as the original piece, this is true….but being recreated into something new ….something that is so much more, and even she doesn’t know what the completed piece will look like, but she is certain….beyond certain that it will be amazing…as with all mosaics, it is sometimes in the flaws that you see the perfectly intricate design that makes it that much more beautiful. She understands now what it means to surrender to the things that you can not control. Inside she smiles in the knowing that it really is in the valleys that you grow. There are no walls of resistance built up around her like a fortress to keep her safe. She is optimistic and is able to realize that all things will go the way they are intended to go and that she has no control over that. She sees the something in the eyes of her reflection again….that little something that seemed to have dimmed and gone away for so many months….but has now returned….for a time it felt as though her wings had been clipped…confining her to this place and keeping all of her hopes and dreams far beyond her reach but now she feels the growth of her wings again. So timidly and slowly opening…certainly not fearless in the endeavor to take flight but someday……someday she knows they will be.... She clings to that tiny sliver of resilience that tells her that in the end no matter the road or the twists and turns along the way…that girl….this girl….is going to be just fine. After all this time…..she sees that she is a complete person all on her own….no one makes her who she is and nothing defines her… one is capable of building her to completeness or tearing her to rumble…..all she is and all she will be….is achieved by her and her alone. She closes her eyes at night with the awareness that tomorrow will come and she will do what she can just for that day..…and then she will do it again…and again….and again…She realizes now what took so long to understand….when you want to stop breathing….still you breathe….when you want to close your eyes and not wake up….still you rise and when the only thing you want to do is cry…still somewhere inside you…some part of you smiles…and in that tiny little smile buried somewhere in the crevices of your spirit…you see the glimmer of hope that reminds you that you never stay in the same place forever and that this moment like all before it will pass…..

Thank you to everyone who has loved us and prayed for us while we have been walking in the valley. This valley seems so long sometimes, but there is growth to be had and so we will keep moving forward in the hopes that we will rise up out of the valley one day, stronger and better than we were before.

“A bird does not sing because it has the answer, a bird sings because it has a song.”

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Why are they calling me mother??

Okay know it's bad when you feel like you love your dog more than you love your own children....I the distance I can hear the *gasp* coming from some of my family members....I'm sorry for this brief moment of weakness....

It's just been one of those angel faced daughter is soooo hormonal that I feel my head getting hazy when I think of her at 16...she's loud and dramatic and we seem to be swinging between hugging her while she sobs but doesn't know why to her acting like the golden child...I'm tired......the 14 year old...yikes....his attitude these days makes me wish we had spanked them when they were younger so that I could even attempt to get away with it now....he acts like I have two heads sometimes and sadly...I'll admit that he probably is technically smarter than me, which makes it difficult to pull off actual, factual reasons for saying no to some of his requests...thus the reason why I always have to throw out the phrase that therapists every where will hate me for when it's plastered on T-shirts..."The best part of being the mother, is that I have all the power!"...I know...hate me.... and my 17 year old...uhmmm....I'm tired......sometimes I block them out and slip back in my mind...searching desperately for that tiny little crevice of forgotten memories that I save to facilitate reclaiming my sanity on days or weeks like this.....going backwards in my mind to the place where I am 16 and the biggest worry was what to wear to the designated house party that weekend....*sigh*...I linger there....I can feel my breathing relax, my heart rate slows.....*ahhhhhhh* was simple then......and's over...I get smacked back into reality when I can hear someone calling me...for a few seconds while still lost in my alternate universe I wonder why I can hear people calling me mom...and then I remember...I am the mother....

I do love them.....oh so much....but sometimes I wanna be the one to run away from home....

Additionally, as I've said a thousand times....trying to take pictures of the kids is a complete gong show....Logan thinks it's hilarious...then Mara decides he's getting to much attention and starts and then Colby gives decides to get in the action and 30 minutes later we are lucky if one half decent picture emerges....seriously??? How funny can it be 18 pictures later?? Case in point case you're interested.

In other news I'm super dee duper excited because tomorrow and Friday I get to go into someone else's house and organize...and get paid for it to boot!! How fun is that?? Well maybe not to other people but to me.....yep...tonight when I go to bed it will be like I'm going to Disneyland tomorrow and I'll be too excited to I know....that is the Obsessive Compulsive/Addictive Personality Disorder talking....

Reading this back....k it is kind of just a random rambling but I figured that I would write something a little lighter and somewhat weeks blog is all "Woman power, sis boom bah, rah rah me" so I decided to insert this one for fun.

Happy Wednesday all!(Two days down, still two to go....bleh)

PS...k I am dying laughing right now because Mara is sitting across from me and Logan walks up to her to help on the computer and I hear her whisper..."Uhmmm I feel like I'm choking...I just breathed in your arm pit stink except it went in through my mouth." to Logan.....ahhhh.....can't ya just feel the love?

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Sometimes it's the little things....

Uhmmm Quicky Disclaimer: So you might want to grab a coffee and some light snacks...this one is like a little novel....clearly I have a lot to say these days.....

When I look back on my life...all the milestones, the ups, the downs, and all the in betweens, I realize now that it's all the little things that have added up to be something really big in the scope of my life. Sometimes I think that unintentionally we take for granted what we have, who we have and where we are in life...but sometimes God has a different plan that brings you to your knees and gives you a moment to ponder where the real value is in life....for so many months now I feel like I have done a long inventory of myself, my role in my family, and especially my relationship with her...that girl that looks back at me in the mirror. A couple of months ago I remember looking at her and seeing someone so lost and so fragile...someone trapped in the confusion of her life and second guessing everything about herself. But she is different....I am different. I'm strong and wise and creative and forgiving and confident. I truly have grown into someone that I always wanted to just took hard things to get me there. I have learned a ton....really learned...I always try to pass life lessons on to my kids but certainly there were times when the conviction that I held in those lessons was perhaps less than what I was trying to convey to them. I definitely know that the things I have learned will make me better and while I can say that I never would have chosen this road in which to learn all of these lessons on, I do know that going through hard things really does make you better.

New things I learned and old things that I needed to be reminded of:

God's always listening but you can't pick and choose what his answer will be.
It doesn't matter where you are going in life, it matters who is with you.
Children see the best in you even when you see the worst in yourself.
It's all about quality of life and not quantity of life.
People who work to live are way smarter than the people who live to work.
Crying is okay.
Never take the people in your life for granted.
It's okay to say enough is enough and mean it.
Listen to your children, they have a lot to say and they are pretty smart too.
Do what you love even if other people don't love it as much as you do.
Be thankful and say thank you to the people that have walked beside you, especially through the stormy parts of life.
Not everyone thinks your crazy.
Seeing the sunshine in your life is by your own choosing.
That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Be who you are and know that there is someone out there who thinks that you are amazing.
Money makes life easier but it shouldn't be what makes life better.
Being a constant work in progress is a good thing.
Choose everyday to do one thing different.
Sometimes I'm a little clueless but when you are super cute, you can totally pull it off.
Make sure the people you love, know it.
This girl is worth the work and the effort.
Fight for something if you really think it's worth it.
Say no if you need to but be prepared to walk all the way through it.
With big love, there are big hurts.
When you show people who you really are at the heart of it, there will be people who leave it but the people that matter and think that you matter, will take it...all of it.
Every day is a gift, cherish it, use it, live it.
I'm so much stronger than I ever thought I was.
Sometimes people hurt you but it doesn't mean that they don't love you.
All roads, even the bumpy ones, lead you somewhere.
I'd rather MAKE a situation right than BE right.
Walking through things sometimes means a person's feelings will get hurt but that's okay.
It's okay to have a pool of people to draw advice from but it's also okay to listen to myself.
It's okay to have an equal relationship where neither person holds the power.
The best memories were created without money or going anywhere.
That giving your whole heart to someone is really scary but totally worth it.
If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.
When you know better, you do better.

A few months ago I would have said that I had stepped backwards 10 years in the personal growth department, that I am no where near as strong as I thought I was but here I sit all these months later knowing different. I am strong, stronger than I could have imagined I was. Even though there are days when I still feel like I'm walking in the rain, that rain storm in my mind feels different now than it did all those months ago. I can sit here now after all this time, knowing that I'm okay and that I'll be far from perfect with so much work to do I always say....but when I look at her now...her reflection stares back at me with so much more in her eyes...and I see her for who she is now...capable and beautiful, and so intricately designed. Still timid in some ways but so confident in others. More forgiving than she used to be, and more compassionate too. She sees the other side of the equation clearly now, and finds understanding and grace in that. This journey isn't over and no one knows where it will lead but it doesn't matter....I'll take the rain as it comes....because I know now what happens in the rain.

Walking in the Rain

Some days life just simply feels,
As though you’re walking in the rain,
And trying to escape the downpour,
Often seems to be in vain.

But sometimes if you let yourself,
Feel the damp upon your skin,
You find yourself surrendering,
When the storm starts rolling in.

You let the rain cascade down,
As it soaks you to the bone,
Your tears mingle with the droplets,
And you see how much you’ve grown.

In the days of stormy weather,
You find serenity in this place,
Where you truly look beyond yourself,
To find the wisdom and the grace.

You take comfort in the knowing,
That the rain will always pass,
And in the promise of perfection,
In the sky draped arc of colored glass.

You’ll smile now because you understand,
Sometimes rainbows take so long,
But if you pay attention in the storm you'll see,
That it's in the rain where you grow strong.

Written by me...

Happy Tuesday all.

Monday, May 24, 2010

The Best Kind of People

I have to say that this weekend was probably the most fun that I have had in months. It was three days of stepping away from what feels like never ending chaos in my life to just be me and there was huge freedom in that. This weekend also gave me a little bit of renewed faith in people. Sometimes it feels like you spend so much time walking through life and interacting with people who are never really showing you their true character. People who are glossing their real person over with someone fake and external for show or approval...but occasionally...rarely these days it seems you come across people who just are who they are...and I love that. They don't sit in judgment of you or eye you up and down picking you apart in their minds and cataloging all of your flaws...they just welcome you in. This weekend I met people like that. The group of them have been life long friends, the best of friends. They all live in the same neighborhood and have gone through all stages of life having each others backs. They know each others secrets and skeletons. They have pet names for each other and watching them, I felt like I was watching family interact with each other, even though they aren't related.

I was nervous arriving to their house...invading their little group but within such a short of time, I felt like I had known them forever. We sat and talked and listened to music and drank and danced and I truly had the best time. I guess maybe because I don't often mingle outside my circle of friends, perhaps my perception of people is jaded, but these people showed me something different...and that was refreshing. We didn't talk about jobs or how much money people made or fancy houses, though a certain young man did talk about fancy cars..8) There was no weighing and measuring of who is better, stronger, funnier, hotter, or smarter(well there kind of was and the majority ruled that I was indeed the smartest due to the fact that I can sing the 50 states in alphabetical order)...when I left their house in the wee hours of the morning I sighed...I was kind of sad to see the evening end.

All this to say....everyone needs people like that in their lives...people who make you feel like you have always been there, people who hug you goodbye at the end of the night even though you have only known them for a few hours, and people who make you wish that you had known them your whole life. People who don't care where you come from, what you have or where you've been and people who don't make you feel crazy because you have slight addictive personality disorder. Those kind of people are my kind of people.

I know this was kind of a bit of a ramble but I just had to share....if you know people like that in your life count yourself lucky, and if you aren't one of those people, then try to be...they truly are the best kind of people to have in your life.

I'm off to pull this place together...clearly the cleaning fairy did not get the memo that I was going to be out all weekend....bleh.

PS Good luck on your road test Robbie.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Broken Glass

My life, this part of my life feels like broken glass...

You look at a piece of perfectly made, flawless as the sun catches the different edges and colors...and then the glass shatters....fragments and shards scattered all around assume that all of those broken pieces could never be remade....but think of mosaics....tiny pieces put back together to create something beautiful and often it so much more beautiful than the original piece ever was....that is what I believe to be true about myself and my life.

Sometimes you sit so certain in knowing where your life is going and what you are doing and who you are with...but then it changes and you have no choice but to take it all in and breathe and walk through it.

Three months ago when my life started feeling too heavy, I hated being in that place...but now I I can see...that God loves me so much that he knew I needed three months of really hard stuff to get me to this place of strength and I am so thankful for that....

Someone I met the other day, said something that brought me to tears...she said that sometimes it feels like you are in a slingshot being pulled further and further back against the resistance and just when you think you can't take anymore, the slingshot lets go and God propels you so much further than you ever could have gotten on your own...I cling to that now and see the promise in that...because I know that there will be days ahead that will be hard to live in, and so I hold tight to the promise of what is to come. We are the sum of our choices and while I do believe that sometimes there is regret in someone's choices I do also believe that if you are going to make that choice then you need to be prepared to walk all the way through that choice.

To everyone who reads this that knows me and knows my family...I'm asking that you use good judgment in your posts and comments and try to send me private messages if you have something to say. Far beyond my own needs there are others who come first in my life.

Pray for us, for our family that we will be lifted to a place of strength and understanding....and if you could....could you pray for him too....or even just hold him in your thoughts for a moment....this isn't easy for anyone...but it is what it is.

Love you all.

Be so blessed.

Monday, April 5, 2010

The rain just keeps coming.....

I think I have cried more in the last 6 weeks than ever before in my life. I have questioned God and yes even screamed out at him at times. I'm a good girl and yet here I sit wondering what earned me the privilege of sitting in this place.

I miss my simple, sometimes predictable, fun loving, light hearted, always blessed life. I miss knowing where I'm going and what I'm doing. I miss knowing myself and admiring her in so many ways. I miss feeling like I had come so far and made so much progress in personal growth.

I loathe this season in my life....I dream about making it to the other side of this and looking back and knowing that it was really hard but so worth it because it made me better.

Some days I feel like Pigpen from Charlie Brown with the cloud of dirt following him only mine happens to be a dark black rain cloud that seems to favor hovering above my head only while letting the sun shine down on everyone else around me. The longer it goes, the harder it is to keep your eyes on the sky waiting for the clouds to part....but I will...because I have to....because even though having faith in God is sometimes hard for me...I have no choice...this road would be too hard without him and so I have to believe that he knows the design for my life and that what will be is his will.

For those who read this that also pray....if you could chuck me into the mix I'd sure be thankful...because I really need it right now. I sure hope that it's true....that in the valleys I grow.....because this is by far, the longest, deepest valley that I have ever found myself walking through.

Take care all and be so blessed today and everyday.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Just waitin on the Rainbow......

I remember years ago....actually what feels like a lifetime ago going through a hurtful break up and though my emotions spun wildly out control I still kept telling myself...this will pass because after the rain, there is always the rainbow. It sounds like such a cliche little phrase but there were days when I needed that to be my mantra in order to limp me through.

And now it seems here I am all these years later....and I'm walking in the rain....a torrential downpour actually....but I'll keep moving forward because I know what's coming.

The details of what exactly is raining down in my shit storm (sorry grandma for saying shit....twice)is irrelevant to anyone else and I am certain in comparison to things that other people go through that what I deem a downpour others would deem similar to a springtime rain.

I can't use this place as a word vomit holding tank or a therapy session....but I want to encourage anyone out there that is going through hard stuff right now to keep your chin up and your eyes on the sky....the rain will cease, the clouds will part and there in all it's perfection will be God's most visual creation of what comes after the storm.

In addition I just want to say that everyone has friends who sometimes drive them crazy and sometimes you want to shake them but most of the time you sit so blessed to have them in your life.....that person....that one person who is your safe place when you feel like you're falling apart, that person who peels you off her floor and offers you a place to just sit and be and breathe...who holds no judgment and offers only gentle advice but who mostly just listens...who cries with you while you feel like you are breaking but never makes you feel weak....who knows you almost better than anyone and whose heart feels the fracture that comes in knowing that your heart is breaking....and that one person who after 7 hours knows you well enough to know that the only thing you need to hear on the way out the door is....Tomorrow is a New Day...and for her....I am so thankful.

Quicky Disclaimer: No one is Dying, getting divorced or running away from home.