Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Broken Glass

My life, this part of my life feels like broken glass...

You look at a piece of perfectly made, flawless as the sun catches the different edges and colors...and then the glass shatters....fragments and shards scattered all around assume that all of those broken pieces could never be remade....but think of mosaics....tiny pieces put back together to create something beautiful and often it so much more beautiful than the original piece ever was....that is what I believe to be true about myself and my life.

Sometimes you sit so certain in knowing where your life is going and what you are doing and who you are with...but then it changes and you have no choice but to take it all in and breathe and walk through it.

Three months ago when my life started feeling too heavy, I hated being in that place...but now I I can see...that God loves me so much that he knew I needed three months of really hard stuff to get me to this place of strength and I am so thankful for that....

Someone I met the other day, said something that brought me to tears...she said that sometimes it feels like you are in a slingshot being pulled further and further back against the resistance and just when you think you can't take anymore, the slingshot lets go and God propels you so much further than you ever could have gotten on your own...I cling to that now and see the promise in that...because I know that there will be days ahead that will be hard to live in, and so I hold tight to the promise of what is to come. We are the sum of our choices and while I do believe that sometimes there is regret in someone's choices I do also believe that if you are going to make that choice then you need to be prepared to walk all the way through that choice.

To everyone who reads this that knows me and knows my family...I'm asking that you use good judgment in your posts and comments and try to send me private messages if you have something to say. Far beyond my own needs there are others who come first in my life.

Pray for us, for our family that we will be lifted to a place of strength and understanding....and if you could....could you pray for him too....or even just hold him in your thoughts for a moment....this isn't easy for anyone...but it is what it is.

Love you all.

Be so blessed.

Monday, April 5, 2010

The rain just keeps coming.....

I think I have cried more in the last 6 weeks than ever before in my life. I have questioned God and yes even screamed out at him at times. I'm a good girl and yet here I sit wondering what earned me the privilege of sitting in this place.

I miss my simple, sometimes predictable, fun loving, light hearted, always blessed life. I miss knowing where I'm going and what I'm doing. I miss knowing myself and admiring her in so many ways. I miss feeling like I had come so far and made so much progress in personal growth.

I loathe this season in my life....I dream about making it to the other side of this and looking back and knowing that it was really hard but so worth it because it made me better.

Some days I feel like Pigpen from Charlie Brown with the cloud of dirt following him only mine happens to be a dark black rain cloud that seems to favor hovering above my head only while letting the sun shine down on everyone else around me. The longer it goes, the harder it is to keep your eyes on the sky waiting for the clouds to part....but I will...because I have to....because even though having faith in God is sometimes hard for me...I have no choice...this road would be too hard without him and so I have to believe that he knows the design for my life and that what will be is his will.

For those who read this that also pray....if you could chuck me into the mix I'd sure be thankful...because I really need it right now. I sure hope that it's true....that in the valleys I grow.....because this is by far, the longest, deepest valley that I have ever found myself walking through.

Take care all and be so blessed today and everyday.