A New Year's a Comin :)

Sooooooo for like the past two weeks I've been thinking....Frick can't wait to say goodbye to this year. But last night...as I was laying in bed beside my 14 year old roommate....I was thinking about everything that's happened this year....which to other people wouldn't really be much....but for this girl.....phew....it felt like a lot. There were some lows in there....not the scraping the bottom of the barrel kinda lows....but definitely little moments of trudging through the puddles. But last night I fell asleep thinking about all the best things of 2012....and sooooo I'm only going to focus on that...:) Seeeeee how nice it is when today is not a rant day?? :) The last year has been exhausting for me but so worth it. I'm so thankful for my job and the people that I work with. They have in a ton of ways become friends to me. It is seriously awesome when you can go to work and have fun, and also have therapy at the same time...:) That job became my freedom....knowing that I could do it all on my own, made me less scared about the future and being all on my own. This year has tested me as a mother. My momma didn't lie when she said I'm gonna get pay back for all of my teenage years. My payback started much earlier than I had prepped myself for....and comes in the form of a gorgeous, funny, smart, sassy, creative, dramatic 14 year old. But the payoff....yep....it's worth it. She has become something different to me than just my daughter. She is a genuinely good person, with the softest heart. I am still the mother, but in a ton of ways, I can see us transitioning to friendship. That gives me a lump in my throat....the years seemed to pass in a blink and in my mind sometimes....she's still just five, standing in the kitchen in a very...uhmmmm....creative ensemble of clothing, asking me what I think. I'm so proud of her. I'm thankful for all of them. For the one who texts me every second day to say "I love you mom" and asks me to come and live with him....lol. For the one with his quiet, calm reasoning..... who's logic sometimes over rides what I would classify as good judgement, but who knows at the end of the day....I love him and am so thankful for the calmness in my life that only he gives me. They are after all, my greatest purpose, and biggest reward. I am beyond grateful to the women in my life....momzy....who never ever ever makes me feel like I'm sucking at this whole single parenting thing. The one who always tells me that she's so proud of me, even on the suckiest days. My other mothers(you know who you are) whos little words may seem so small to you, but have carried me through the hardest days. My best girls....here....and there.... who make me laugh, take me out, make me feel like I'm super fantastic and who never waiver in standing beside me even when I like super piss them off! Suprisingly I'm also thankful for the men in my life....though honestly...some of y'all don't deserve that title...buuuuuut I'm not gonna focus on that....instead I'm going to say that this was a great year in datingland.....in this little non magical land....there are snaggletoothed beasts but there are also some...err...like one or two... that seem Prince-like. I am choosing to take the few best qualities from most and remind myself what I need in a healthy relationship. I have been incredibly blessed by one man that came into my life over a year ago. I may have ranted a couple of weeks ago and honestly a fight with him started that rant.... cuz him and I duked it out pretty good....but the best thing about him is that he calls me on my shit...and says sorry for his own. He has become an incredible friend to me. He's sane and adjusted and though slightly dysfunctional....always....always....the voice of reason for me. He kicks my ass, makes me laugh....like every single day...tells me I'm doing a really good job...and gives me a slight glimmer....that there are really good men out there. He thinks he isn't all that...always says....he's a normal guy....oh frick...if he only knew. :)) I'm looking forward to this next year. I can feel myself changing, growing, adjusting to this different life. I have the galoshes handy, because seriously....I'd be feeding you a bunch of crap if I said I'm done with puddles....there will be many I'm sure...but I also know that you can't have a rainbow without a lil rain :) Happy New Year to all the people in my life....may your lives be blessed in countless ways...may your perfect days make you thankful, and your toughest days make you stronger....and I hope that you all know how grateful I am to have you in my life, sharing the best days and the blue days and ever giving me the little nudges I need to keep moving forward. xoxo

In the closet....

Sooooo after my little rant the other day, I started to be a little bitchy with myself. Started feeling like...."Geez girl, none of these people who read this lil blog get to hear the good stuff"...and I really did start thinking how easy it is for me to write when I need to vent but not so much when I need to talk to y'all about how I'm trying my very best to lift myself higher...soooo with that said....this post might sound so dramatic and tragic in part but it really isn't....it's actually a rah rah me....I've come so far!! K so I know I'm not the only one that has lived a moment in life that felt completely bigger than hell. A segment of time where you were certain that life was never ever going to feel good again and where the thought of getting in your car and driving away....like forever, seemed not only logical but also very practical.....that defining moment that is either going to BREAK you or MAKE you. Yep lived that. 1040 days ago the pieces started falling....my marriage was breaking and I had no power to stop it. Honestly....gosh....I remember saying to my bestie...."How do people keep on living through this....like it hurts to breath."...and she would just keep saying...."you just do"...."you just keep going".....but I also remember telling my other girlfriend...."Did you know that dolphins are the only mammal that can choose not to breath anymore? I wish I was a dolphin." Hands down these were the saddest days of my life. My visions of forever were gone, I was completely lost and beyond broken. I struggled to see the purpose of my life...tried to figure out where the heck to go from here...worried about how different my kids would end up being because of this....and loathed all things MEN....but oh my gosh....the best thing that came out of this is something that probably never would have come to be if things hadn't gone this way. See back then during married life and being a mom....I didn't have time to nurture a valuable relationship. I let it fall by the wayside to put other people first. Typical of most mothers, we value ourselves based only on the contributions that we make on behalf of our families. But when you find yourself in the middle of nowhere wondering how the hell this happened, sometimes you have to dig so deep to get out of it. That's what happened with me at least....I had to dig for it. People seriously think I joke when I talk about taking up residence in my walk in closet but for the better part of two months....I lived in there. I'd sit for hours in the dark... praying, crying, yelling at God, sleeping, wishing, and mostly dreaming of a place far from there....not geographically....but a place in time where the fractured smile didn't cover up a gaping wound......a time when I would feel sooooo far from wanting to live in a closet. I know why I moved in there....it's hard to explain it to other people though. The sadness I had felt so consuming, like it was penetrating every single ounce of me and when I was out in the world, too much air made me feel like I couldn't breath. I'm giggling as I type this, thinking that must sound completely crazy, but the truth of it is, I really had to make my world sooooooo teeeny tiny, so that I could dig for what I needed to find in myself. There have only been a handful of times in my life where I have felt that actual physical pain where your heart is....even thinking about what that pain feels like, gives me a lump in my throat and I had to do whatever it took to make that pain subside. Anyways....those two months in the closet....in that tiny little space....I grew. I grew in the relationship with myself...I grew into a place of acceptance....I craved to know myself....to really truly know this girl that I had neglected...I had tons of Runaway Bride moments..."Did I or didn't I actually like scrambled eggs?" "Did I like the Star Wars movies?" "Do I actually think a T.V. in the bedroom helps you sleep?" The answer to all of those is NO...but prior to this I would have said yes to them.....I grew in my faith...probably because yelling at God made me feel guilty and more than that...I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT FEEL STRONG ENOUGH TO GET THROUGH THIS ON MY OWN...I needed to have faith in something, or someone far bigger than myself, that I was going to get to the other side of this.....I grew, and I grew and I grew. I wish now that I had taken a picture so you guys could see it....my little fortress....the walls covered in sticky notes and ripped pieces of paper with words on them, a pile of blankets, books...some read a dozen times or more..poems I had printed off the internet...reminding of the ebb and flow that comes with living......my therapy book under the pillow....OH THE PLACES YOU'LL GO.....by Dr. Suess....this book became like a little lifeline for me...reminding me that this moment was gonna pass...no matter how long it took..no matter how dark the days felt....no matter how endless the nights felt.....it would pass at some point and that life is a constant mix of peaks and valleys. Don't get me wrong....while I was growing I was also raging. I ripped myself a new one in the beginning....carrying the weight of someone else's choice as my own. I convinced myself that I was nothing of value and that I had wasted this one precious life that God had given me. That's where the notes came in. At first, they just said a couple of words..."You are ok"...." You are good"...."You matter"....and over time they became longer....and after a little while....all these words became my testimony...I felt different...wounded but unbreakable....scared but brave enough to rise up and meet this challenge....the bitterness got softer and the grace got bigger. I grew in my ability to forgive people for the things they can't change. Oh my gosh, that probably did the most in helping me become ME. I wished a thousand times for life to have a rewind button, promising and bargaining with God that I would do it differently if he could just back up the train. Ultimately I knew that there would be no time machine and I had to figure out how to let go and move forward and I also knew that if I couldn't forgive, then I wouldn't be able to keep my eyes ahead of me, I would always be looking at what I left behind. When I packed up my little nest in the closet and moved back into my life, I knew that I would be fine. I knew that I was ready. I knew there would be countless moments when I would want to retreat to the closet and cry my face off. I knew I would stomp through puddles and find myself in valleys, but I also knew that whatever I thought I lacked in strength was there, waiting inside for me to need it and use it. Who knows where life is going to take me, none of us are guaranteed anything beyond this one moment....I'm doing my best to use these moments, to be a positive person to the people around me, to be a good mother, even on the days when exhaustion takes over, trying not to let my bad attitude about men and other things plague me, being the best friend I can be to my little circle of people, and absolutely being thankful for who I am, and how I've grown and changed. So far from perfect, with so much work to do....but oh my gosh....I'm doing okay...and I'm so thankful for those two months in the closet. That's where I got to take all the broken pieces of my life and recreate them into something new....I've talked about mosaics before,how sometimes what comes from the broken glass is more beautiful than the original...I guess time will tell as far as the opinion of other people goes.....but honestly....it doesn't matter to me if other people think I'm different or that I've changed for the worse or better.....I look at myself.....seriously I could cry...I'm so proud of who I am, and where I'm going and how brilliant I am....see cuz while people thought I was crazy...I knew what I was going to find in my little Narnia...I knew that's where I was going to find myself again.....

Note to self: ...................

I'm in a puddle....not a valley so don't call an intervention....just a puddle. I'm exhausted, and emotional, and sentimental and bitey. I know it will pass but right now I just wanna stomp around in the puddle....and then....later....mmmm....tomorrow maybe...I'll kick off the galoshes and get on with it. But first....OH.MY.HECK. I am goin on a hella rant! Starting now and covering only one topics..it start with M and ends with EN....if you are in a happy cheerful rah rah Christmas mood...you should prolly pass on this read. If this is what the pool of men I have to pick from seriously looks like....I'm gonna be a lesbian....just sayin...and I'm seriously barely joking...:) Why is it that some guys seriously think that they are the most amusing, funny, sweetest thing you're ever gonna meet? They park themselves up on that stupid assed looking pedestal and relentlessly insist that they are the epitome of awesomeness....seriously??? Why is it that guys feel soooooooooo completely superior to be able to just walk into your life and mess around in your head with a fork and then saunter out as though they were never there? They go through so much effort throwing out eleventy billion right things, just to back up out of it....why? This one right here....the person who did this....yeah he caused the most damage because what he did here was calculated and intentional and because he is the one that I would have really wanted to try this with. Why is that I have to endure hours and hours of whining about how tragic their life has been....how everyone is so mean to them, everyone ruins their life, no one actually loves them, they just get to bust their asses day in and day out and get absofrickinlutely nothing in return...shut up and cry me a frickin river....life is hard for everyone, get over yourself. Why is it that guys bother lying about who they are in the beginning?? Seriously?? Who has the energy for that? Be.who.you.are. It isn't rocket science. If you tell me you can play the piano like Beethoven, there is a slight possibility that a couple months from now I'm going to ask you to play the piano genius. This is honestly the most irritating part of dating. Just be honest right out the gate. I tell them all of it (well not all the details because that's a little TMI right at the beginning) But I tell them..."Dude I have trust issues, I'm a pain in the ass sometimes, I think I'm worth it but you might not" lol....That is basically what I say....why? Because A) I don't wanna waste your time or mine and B)I don't have the energy to morph myself into someone I'm not and then three months from now listen to you gripe because you want your old girlfriend back...the one you first met...lol. Might as well show you the good, bad and everything in between from the beginning. Honestly...I'm just having a super crappy day...I'm missing Christmas ornaments (Don't even get me started) It's my time of the month, I hate winter, I'm emotional about Christmas...it's just one of those days....just a bad day...not a bad life.....right?? And all that ranting to say, there are a couple of men who have shown me quality....I know they aren't all like this...I have family and friends who set a fine example of what a good man looks like but geeeeeez. Aaaaaaaaaaand on a lil side note the best part of life for me right now isn't even dating....that happens to be something that just comes along here and there....the very best part of my days, aside from my girl, are spent with myself. Figuring out what I really need in life, holding out for what I really want in life, and loving what I have in life. This lil blip is just that....one little puddle and it always dries up....or in my case....freezes over. K I'm done now....RANT.OVER.