Thursday, February 13, 2014
I'm going to rant a little. I hate ranting. Honestly I've sat on this for well over a week now. Trying to decide whether to ignore it, or say something, or direct this at specific people. My blog won. If there is one thing that my therapist taught me, it's that it's okay for me to hear my own voice above everyone else's. Any of the people who are involved in my life know that the last 3 years have been the hardest part of my life so far. I have battled internal demons that screamed at me throughout my life...convincing me that I was nothing more than trash, I have wrestled with the thoughts of getting in my car and driving away and I have lived off and on in the darkest place of self loathing, convincing myself that my marriage fell apart because I was not enough...or too much maybe.....because I was too fat, too emotional, too submissive, too passive, too sensitive, too domestic, too naive....that I was not worth him staying. I lived in a place of taking all of his incredibly selfish and destructive choices out of the equation and blamed myself. I watched every little bit of who I was fall away with the end of my marriage and for about 600 days I worried that I would never find her again. This loss was for me, was the closest thing to experiencing the death of a close family member....and I knew that for healing to come I had to grieve the loss of that. Therapy got me through that....obviously no one can save you but yourself but she helped me look at all things. I was able to own the parts that were mine to own and let everything else fall. I was able to give forgiveness to the person I trusted more than anyone. I was able to examine the parts of myself that needed growth and also praise the parts that made up a pretty awesome girl. Does this mean I'm completely over it?? Hell to the No! Some days are hard. It isn't about him though...it's about me now. The damage still lingers...I don't trust easily now, I assume you are a douche and I expect disappointment. How horrible is that?? The amount of days that I have cried to bestie and said things like "No one is going to be able to deal with what I bring now...I'm too much work." I knew I would be okay but I was scared for a long time that a life of being alone might be my life. Who would be willing to love this broken girl? This girl whose emotions feel too big for her heart to handle. This girl who was fragile in ways that never existed before and who would want to take all that on? So imagine my disappointment and sadness when I got this in my Facebook Inbox.
Your life seems to be moving in a positive direction but I question whether or not the necessity for your boyfriend to be so improper and inappropriate on your wall sets the best example. Mara is young. I'm sure the end of your marriage is hard for her. Does she need to see another man who isn't her dad post comments about her mother? Doesn't this set the tone for the men she will date? You are a wonderful woman who has gone through something incredibly difficult but posts like this lead others to an impression of you that simply isn't true.
I'm going to stop there....because it makes me more angry every time I read it. For information purposes 4 people have chosen to send me messages in an attempt to parent me via Facebook. This is my response. I'm gonna cry while I write it...I can already feel it...damn it!! This rant is going to be composed and processed I hope....but also serve as a gentle reminder that I don't really need people to mother me.
For the most part I've come to understand that we never ever really master life. It is a constant balance of throwing all the balls in the air and hoping you catch the ones that are important in the moment and dodging the others so as to avoid black eyes. For as much as I have healed and gained confidence some days just aren't good. I feel bad for my people on those days....especially my man person. The man has the endurance of an athlete....he has seen this girl cry more that one poor fella should have to endure in 10 short months and still he has never reacted in a way that was anything other than supportive. I'm sooooo beyond thankful for him. He has become a friend to me....my best friend really. There isn't anything I am too scared to tell him. He has risen to meet the challenges of loving someone who just doesn't trust easily. He has hugged me when no other hug on the planet would do. He has watched me cry and never stepped away. He has given me hope....three years ago hope seemed non existent in my world but he has opened my mind again to the idea of forever with someone. For the first time ever in my entire life....my days spent with someone feel too short. Him and I spend a crazy insane amount of time together and yet I never get sick of the time with him and sometimes feel a little sting in my heart in knowing that forever with him, just isn't long enough. Where a handful of others walked away because I was too sensitive or too girly or too passive he has stayed. Where others would say they were scared that my sweet personality covered up a raging bitch ready to explode....he saw a sweet personality and stayed. He has been more honest than a person would normally be, even if a sting came with that honesty but somehow in that place of being truthful, I've grown to trust him. Every day when I wake up beside him, there is the most sincerest gratitude inside me that I get to have one more day with him. He is the one who is standing where others didn't want to stand, he is the one blocking me from the cruelest elements in the world, making me laugh, listening to me rant, sitting quietly with me while I cry buckets. He's choosing me....when he could have someone not so tarnished by the brutality of other human beings...he never...like not even one time, has told me that I'm over reacting or that I'm gonna wreck this if I don't stop being scared. He just listens and loves me anyways. He loves me despite all the things that make me feel incredibly weak. Every fear of being unlovable because I'm a little fragile now...he has calmed that in me...frick...I'm lucky......and this is the thing....him and I might fall to shit one day....and I'll still be thankful for right now...and if the worst he dishes out is making posts about my rack or penis warmers on Facebook...well I'll surely be grateful because I have been to a place that was a thousand times worse. At the end of the day what he gives me, what he pours into our relationship day in and day out, far out weighs his colorful humor on Facebook. I'm a grownup and I have one mother. She trusts my judgement and she would never ever judge someone based on things people post and seriously...even though she's my mother....she doesn't parent me. I guess it's funny to me that people feel as though they have the right to weigh in on my life when the very same people had nothing to say at all when I was living in my walk in closet feeling as though I was completely breaking.
While you're busy policing Facebook...maybe you should say a word or two to the person who posted about how she is secretly happy when her friends gain weight instead of blowing smoke up her ass about how awesome she is for being honest, essentially empowering her to be an ass of a human being. How can it be that in the moments when life is falling apart, the people who claim to be there for you are too busy and yet when your life feels the best it has felt....like ever maybe....that these same people so quickly judge your choices.....that is amazing to me. But then again, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that people are quick to pick apart other people's lives when they don't want to work on their own issues.
If it bothers you to read my wall, don't read it...remove me from Facebook....but don't be the boss of me. Don't tell me what to do, and don't ever use my children as leverage to make your point. Don't question my parenting, my morals or my choices when you have next to nothing to do with my life. Life is fucking hard enough without people picking apart the best things in your life. The only thing that you prove to be clear is that it doesn't matter what kind of person you are or how you live your life....someone will always find the flaws in that....
P.S. Don't ask me who this is about....if you think it's about you....you're probably right.
Happy Thursday all a ya'll!
at 6:42 AM