The waiting part sucks ass....just sayin :(

Didn't publish this post on Facebook mostly because I'm writing this one as therapy so if any of y'all happen across it and feel bad for not sending me luvs....don't feel bad. :) Life feels kinda bluish to me these days. I'm....oh my gosh...really struggling with relationships. The ones I don't want, want to stay and the one I want, doesn't want to stay. He says I'm too much work. He isn't wrong. My damaged bits I guess are too much for people and that makes me unbelieveably sad....seeeee cuz inside....I know what this girl brings to a relationship....and there is a ton of frickin fun in there!! Mornings spent laying in bed finding pictures in the stucco ceiling, dancing in the living room, a gazillion sticky notes with sweet words, coffee in bed, breaking into parks at night, scary movies(where you don't make fun of me) outstanding backrubs, cheering you on when your days suck, great food, drives to the middle of nowhere, kicking your ass at Scrabble and Sudoku but letting you be the man at poker and pool, cheering for your hockey team even if they aren't my team....Dang it...I'm a fun girl! However this girl is also emotional...this girl acts like she's 5 and lays on her bed and kicks her feet. This girl cries...probably too much for most but I cry at the good stuff too!! Geeeeeeesh! Bring me breakfast in bed and I'll totally get a lump in my throat.... Hard stuff changes you. This girl doesn't trust easily now....but oh my gosh, when she does....she'll have your back to the death!! Bestie says that when I'm with the right person they will understand me, they'll speak my language and they will be consistent to make me feel safe investing in them. Everyone who knows me says that the guy who gets to have me will be so super dee duper lucky! Yikes! I'm having a hard time feeling like that these days....Tracy says that she thinks that we're all pretty lucky if we end up with someone who puts up with all our shit and loves us anyways. I've learned a lot in the last few years....I'll surely continue to learn more along the way...I've learned that growing through the hard stuff has made me a better person in a ton of ways. When someone hurts me I try hard to understand their situation rather than hurt them back....I have patience to overcome the hardest parts of growing a valuable relationship....You go through this life altering moment in your life and you wonder if anything is ever going to feel right again.....and then you have this tiny little glimmer of excitement that tells you that maybe you are glad to be right here, right now in this moment. Yep....felt that for a bit...I know I'll feel it again. Sure wish boys could understand that for all the shit they have to put up with with us girls....we also do our fair share of putting up with crap....and for sure no one can say I don't fight for it...that kinda makes me happy to be able to say that....there have been tons of times when I wanted to run for the hills....especially in this last lil dot dot dot....but I didn't....I stayed while Bolty McBolterson ran...and then ran again....so Imma go ahead and give myself one little brownie point that I did one good thing amidst a handful of things done wrong...:( I'm not perfect.....guess maybe I just wish my damaged parts were different....not so hard for someone to work with...bleh.... ...Sometimes the mountain seems too steep...but that's okay....You have to climb it either way and you can either sing while you climb or bitch....maybe tomorrow I'll sing...:)) "If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you're not worth it. ... Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”