Other People's Words

This was a letter on my desk this morning.

Lanie,(He misspelled it...but I had to correct it cuz that would annoy me...also *Quicky Disclaimer: The F bomb is used in this post one time...sorry grandma :)

I want to say thank you. In a weird way you helped me without even knowing you did that. Me and my wife have been together for 13 years. It's feels like a long time. Feels like we are a partnership taking care of the kids. Life is passing and we are in it to the end. I would come in once a month or so, sometimes more and you would talk to me. The way you talk to people is different. It was nice. It made me feel like someone cared about my day to day shit. I know your job is to be nice, but it didn't feel like that. It felt like you really cared. I found myself finding reasons to stop by, just to talk to you or see your smile. Don't panic, I'm not going to stalk you lol. I think that I did start thinking about you too often. I did start to wish I was married to someone else, someone more passionate about life. Someone who laughed and smiled even though life isn't great sometimes. Someone like you. It's shitty to think like that. But it's the truth. I started to be attracted to you. That makes me feel like an asshole. I did start thinking that I was going to leave her, not for you lol but to have a different life.

But you did something and said something that helped me. I saw you out with friends. Fuck this sounds like a stalker. lol. I watched you guys. I was with my wife and other buddies. I watched you and your friend dancing and laughing. But I also watched you with your boyfriend. I wanted her to look at me like how you look at him. I was jealous. Does too many years make you stop looking at each other like you matter? I was a asshole to her the rest of the weekend while I thought about what you were doing. Pretty sure that sounds creepy but I was mad. Here I was spending my days off with Miss Attitude and you were probably having a great weekend. Monday morning I called the office and we talked for a couple minutes and then Tuesday I came in. That's when you said something that made me want to change my mind. Instead of talking about me, we talked about you. I asked you if the new relationship was exciting or if you were getting bored yet and you said it felt settled but still exciting. But that's a choice. You said the best thing a person can do, is BE how you want the relationship to look and hope that the other person wants that too. Here I was whining about how my wife doesn't like to kiss me and doesn't like to give massages and doesn't like to go out and have fun but you reminded me that sometimes you have to be that way to the other person even when they aren't that way to you. You asked me if I talked to her about how I was feeling and I said no and you said you should do that. You bitched at me about other things in there and then asked me, How can she fix it if she doesn't know about it? I went home that night with a case of beer. I brought some cheezies because she likes those and the beer. We sat down and talked for about 2 hours. Both of us had complaints. She wanted to end things too sometimes. She missed how fun I used to be. She missed how romantic I was before the kids. She said she cries a lot because I don't leave her love notes like I used to. She thinks I'm not attracted to her and she wants me to cook for her sometimes. She said it doesn't matter if I don't know how to give a massage, I could try. I told about all the stuff I was feeling and thinking. She was mad. I shouldn't have started off talking about you. Don't worry, she doesn't know where you work lol. But after awhile it felt like we could change things. We're both going to try harder. I think I have you to thank for that. I don't know if it will work, we both have to want things better right? But I think it's worth it.

Thanks for saying things I needed to hear even though some of it pissed me off. You should be a shrink.

Take care.

I know who dropped this letter on my desk. I edited his grammar and spelling in this letter which was horrific :) After I read it a couple times, the stalker feeling subsided....lol. I don't think he had bad intentions here...I think he was desperate for something that could save things for him. Gosh, I think it makes me a lil emotional that maybe I gave him that.....especially since I couldn't save some of my own stuff. I know how hard relationships are....long ones and new ones. People give up too easy and sometimes maybe we stay through far more than we should. But I like to look at that part as character building. That's when you get to see what you're really made of and how much you are capable of giving! :)

I have hope for them...hope they fight for it. If anyone out there is going through a phase where things feel mediocre...change it! Only you can do that...and it's totally worth it! :)

It's almost Friday so enjoy your weekend :)

Therapy 101

Therapy Session Eleventy Billion :)(Don't judge)


Her: Do you love him?
Me: Why are you asking me this?
Her: I just want you to think about it...just think about if you do....and what that looks like for you....and then tell me about it.

Do I love him? Holy hell...that question is so hard! Dang it!

We are opposite in a dozen ways and kindred in other ways. The walls he has built feel like they are ten thousand feet high and most of the time it feels impossible to get beyond them. He's stubborn...especially when he thinks he right....and so I let him win...:) He has no filter....about anything really...and some of the things he says out loud, I can live without hearing. He's too open minded about some things and he's a spend-aholic(but he's working on it) But oh my gosh....he's soft and sooooo smart. When he doesn't know something...he finds the answer....he doesn't just leave it. He's composed...he's a critical thinker and I love that!! He processes before forming an opinion.....He is a manly man but in so many ways there is the gentleness and vulnerability of a little boy and I just want to protect him.... The way he clears his throat when he has something to say, gives me a lump in mine. He makes me laugh...all.the.time. He likes to talk...to me...and he listens to what I say and when he looks at me, he really looks at me. Being around him, makes me feel calm. Honestly....it isn't really anything that he does or doesn't do...for the first time in my entire life, I sit in a place of having to say...I know how I feel and I can't explain it...and that scares the shit outta me.
In a ton of ways, he isn't what I would pick at all! He's quiet...introverted in a few little ways. He has that magic little switch that I'm certain is mostly only found in boys. The one that shuts things off as quick as it turns them on. That switch is terrifying...I loathe that switch more than anything else. I'm used to being with guys who gush their feelings to me...men who can't contain their emotions...and here I find myself with someone who seems to have no emotions to most things...at least that's how it appears on the outside. He's not big on words of affirmation, and his reactions to things are never over the top excited, whereas I'm the kind of girl that tries to contain the fact that when he walks through the door, I want to be doing some sort of cheer routine to welcome him home...cept how awkward would that be...lol....so instead I throw out a casual "Hey, how was your day?"
I should run from him...I should find the exit, go through the door, slam it shut and leave it closed. But I can't. I can't because....

I guess I trust that everyone that comes into your life, comes with a purpose. I choose to believe that he is here to help me heal some of the broken bits, and that maybe I can do the same for him.

Her: You haven't answered my question..
Me: What was the question?
Her: Very funny... do you love him?
Me: This isn't helping me....
Her: 10 months ago you told me that you hoped that from this point on you would be spared from the cruelty of love, that you feel disposeable and that they all leave and that it isn't worth the pain. You said that you would be happy for the ones who float in and out, and that you wouldn't give anyone that part of you that you can't easily take back. Do you remember that?
Me: Mmmmhmmm
Her: Do you remember saying that no one deserves that part of you, that when you give it, you give all you have and they crush you, and steal it and leave you standing alone?
Me: Mmmmhmmmm
Her: Know what?
Me: Hmmmm?
Her: You have healed in ways over the last year that you don't even see! I think you're crying because you know that! So you can answer the question now if you want to....

He told me months ago that there was a possibilty he wouldn't stay. He told me weeks ago that he needs to work on the voice in his head that tells him that nothing lasts forever. Since the beginning he has seemed to be caught somewhere in the middle place of wanting to stay but thinking he might need to go...and still I stayed. This girl with a terrifying fear of being abandoned...stayed. This girl who hates building the story in her mind of how someone feels...stayed...while the boy said very little. This girl nursing her own tender wounds....stayed. This girl who thrives best on knowing where she's going, what she's doing and who she's with....stayed...despite the script and cast not being set in stone...she stayed....While everything in me told me to bolt...I stayed.....he needed things from me....things that only I could give him...but more than that...I needed things that only he could give me, and whether that is for a little while or a long time...I know I'll be better for it. I know that he'll leave far more with me than what he takes with him if he goes....and I'll still be okay :)
Maybe it's sad that you start to get used to people leaving...maybe it's sad that you almost expect it...for everyone to leave...but how awesome it is.....that even though I expect they might leave...I still give them the very best of what I have...

Loving someone is the purest thing you can do, it is an act that requires the most faith in the purpose behind it, because when you love someone, it comes with no guarantee that they will love you back. It is the single most perfect act of character that a person can display if it is done with the right intentions. I have learned that forevers with anyone seem questionable. I want that...I know it exists, I just don't trust that it will be part of the design for my life, and maybe it won't...but I won't stop striving for it.

Her: Sooooo?
Me: The answer is yes.
Her: Are you okay with that?
Me: What are my other choices? I fell in love with him...I can't unlove him...he hasn't done anything wrong to earn that.
Her: So what will you do?
Me: Be afraid, feel lost, struggle for air, be mad that he doesn't know, act like I'm five, try to talk myself out of it......and still love him...
Her: Seeeeee you are healing....and besides...what's the worse case scenario??
Me: No one dies.

My Little Book

Okay so the other day I was feeding my addiction on Pinterest and I came across this lil read. My Little Book of Whether or Not He's Worth It.

You can find it here:
http://lacelollipops.com/2012/03/12/the-importance-of-a-good-man/

Go read it. She has some relevant criteria in there....I mean all of it is relevant to her.... It is likely that her and I would be friends just based on the fact that people have told both of us that we are on a fairytale mission for a man that doesn't exist......pppfffffftttt! I still completely disagree. Hoooooooowever, while I think her book is full of great must haves...she does have much more of a flowery perception of men than I....yay for her that she hasn't encountered a ton of duds to make her jaded :) The reality is....he isn't going to think about us every second of the day and spew sunshine and rainbows all the time when he talks about us to his friends. Sometimes he's going to be a tool and try and be all manly and shit and we're gonna look at him with a look that he and I both know says "I am sooooooo kickin yer ass when we get home."
The more I read, the more I found myself writing my own list in my mind...there were indeed many things from her book that were also important to me...but there are far far bigger things that outrank a lot of her book for me. This is based on a looooong term relationship and a dozen or so very short lapses in judgement. For me this list is made up of stuff that matters, stuff that really matters and stuff that could result in injury to one of us, and by injury to one of us, I mean him, if you can't apply the criteria to your life. I'm not going to get as fancy as her but this is my list.


My book :)

Ooooooo fancy hey? I know....hate my artistic skills if you want to...:P

Okay...my book...

1. Be Happy. Let's face it, life just sucks sometimes. It's a hard road for everyone, just choose a good attitude :)
2. Being domestic makes you hotter...it doesn't emasculate you! If you do toilets, laundry and dishes...I basically automatically love you.
3. Kindness matters. Prairie dogs and other creatures on the road(except mice...you may kill mice by any means necessary)are not targets...please be a lover of most creatures...including people.
4. Make me laugh almost every day <-----this one right here...to have someone like this is perfection.
5. Bring me tea or coffee in bed sometimes, write me a cheesy love note, foreplay is more than just turning off the light...these kind of sweet mushy gestures...YOU will reap the reward of that!
6. Don't look at me like I'm batshit crazy if I'm crying and tell you I don't know why...I'm a girl...girls do that crap...just love on me and roll with it.
7. Don't tell me the team I cheer for bites just because they aren't your team. That's my job...I'm allowed to mock your team cuz I'm the girl :P
8. Talk to me....Okay I know...heavy requirement here...we talk...A LOT...I know this and I'm sorry, cept not really cuz sorry means you'll change and I won't but yeah...sorry that you have to endure it.F.O.R.E.V.E.R. I want to hear what you have to say...if I love you then I want to know everything there is to know about you...so talk to me :)
9. Kiss me...a lot...like anytime you want to. Don't be so passive about us. Mediocre existence between penguins is unacceptable.
10. Since you're a guy, you'll think it's funny to fart on me...while I accept the whole trapping me under the covers with one...to plant your cheeks right on my leg and let one rip...yeah that is not okay...and the bed will likely feel a lil chilly for a couple nights....not to mention that this one will make the 'Big Book of Grievances" to be thrown at you in an arguement 8 months from now...so just don't do it.
11. Encourage me to go for it...in all areas of life...within reason of course...duh.
12. Kiss me on the forehead. This is something endearing for us girls. Moments like this show us the gentle and sweet side of our penguin and while we totally dig you being all tough and masculine...sometimes we need to see this side of you.
13. Like my family...or fake it like you do. These are my people...they aren't going anywhere...most of the interactions are so fleeting...so just act like you love them even if you don't.
14. NEVER EVER say you don't like my best friends....also never say you think about sexing my best friends. Both of these fall into the injury clause posted above.
15. When I'm doing a good job making you happy...could you tell me that sometimes?...you don't have to blow sweetness and light up my butt constantly but I need to know I'm doing a good job.
16. Let me win at video games sometimes and I'll let you win at Scrabble. I have pride too ya know.
17. Be creative and silly with me. Be spontaneous. Be fun.
18. Wipe the seat if you pee on it...we don't have a cleaning fairy...wait...yes we do...I'm her....and she thinks that job is disgusting already...don't make it worse.
19. If I make me you mad...tell me that...it's okay to kick my ass slightly...call me on my crap...if you say nothing then how can I make it right?
20. If you buy Ice Cream and it's Rolo....don't pick all the rolo pieces out of the ice cream...:) That's my job.
21. If you are one of those guys that blows your nose in the shower...please sing at the top of your lungs while you do it so that I can't hear it...Gaaaaag! I feel like I don't really even need to say this but if you do that while I'm in the shower with you...oh holy hell..hello injury clause above.
22. When you see that I'm breaking, please try not to go into shitting the bed, need to save me mode. Use good judgement on how to best handle me in the moment. Sometimes laying with me in silence and holding my hand is enough.
23. Did you know that physical interaction can instantly change your mood? Hold my hand for no reason sometimes, hug me like you hate letting me go...I need that connection like you need beer and bacon.
24. Tell me I'm beautiful...especially when you know that I feel like a tragic mess. I need to hear that from you more than anyone else.
25. Check out other girls if you want to...that's normal...but remember that I'm still at the table and might like to catch your eye as well.
26. When I make you food...don't ever say ewwww or tell me I'm a terrible cook....unless you have solid resistance to poison....and then by all means...say whatever you want to.
27. Don't say out loud that you dream about suffocating me sometimes and I won't announce that I thought about pushing you down the stairs last night :)
28. Make me believe that all things are possible...that the dreams we talk about can actually come true...even if you know it would take a miracle.
29. Don't ask me to kiss your feet or suck your toes...or we are over....
30. If you use the last of the toilet paper...don't just sit the roll on top of the holder...that pisses off the cleaning fairy.
31. Don't be gross and hard core boy all the time, just because I love you....there are things I don't need to hear...or see.
32. Let me pop zits on your back and man up about it!
33. Be patient. I'm going to drive you crazy...just do some deep breathing until the moment to shake me passes :)
34. Teach me boy stuff without the attitude that says dudes are so awesome and chicks can't do this shit.
35. Believe in me enough to tow the line when I struggle to believe in myself.
36. Dance with me in the kitchen while dinner is burning
37. Don't say that you will be all romantic and sweet in the beginning and then never do that...that's just shitty.
38. Make sure that you are doing all the things that let me know that I for sure have one person who has my back at the end of the day.
39. When I do nice things for you, act excited sometimes.
40. Act like a little kid sometimes. Be free spirited enough to not care what other people think.
41. Let me have the window seat sometimes when we fly somewhere.
42. No matter how mad you get at me....don't ever ever use my toothbrush to clean the toilet, I will give you the same respect, that just crosses a line.
43. Please be sentimental and love Christmas.
44. If you promise me a picnic, take me on a picnic...don't make plans with me that are never going to happen.
45. Remember that I am a constant reminder to myself that I'm not perfect...don't point out the things that I already know are my biggest weaknesses.
46. I'm a girl, I'm going to tantrum out, over dumb stuff, like you using the last of the coffee....so just be smart and don't let that happen silly :)
47. Don't mock me when I say "For seriously?" "Is that a true story?" Smartitude or Supertastic, just find my made up language cute :)
48. Don't ever scare me with snakes or spiders or bugs....so uncool.
49. Don't let a bad day at work ruin our entire night.
50. Be generous....not with money....but with your time and your words.
51. Don't be in a rush to just kill time with me. We only get this one life and I want to feel like I got to take it all in.
52. Be the man in my life that makes me without question say...."He is my best friend."
53. Sing to me, even if you are a bad singer...just don't wreck the song if we are both singing in the car, and don't make up your own words to an existing song...however if you wanna write me a song...I say yes please!
54. Be in it for the long haul, anyone can stay when life is easy....be someone who is going to walk through the valley with me, encouraging me that there is better ahead.
55. Remember that I chose you despite your faults...let's not play the who's more awesome game...I already have the game built and won in my mind. :p
56. Be honest...like not about my cooking, baking, cleaning or body...but be honest about everything else :)
57. I'm not going to take you for granted...don't take me for granted either.
58. Don't make me feel replaceable....make me feel like your life would never be the same without me in it.
59. When we fight...cuz we will....take your ass to the bathroom, garage, bedroom...where ever....but do not leave the property or you will get to read an entire chapter in the Book of Grievances...all about abandonment...
60. Let me sleep furthest away from the door so that the bad guy will kill you first.
61. We all have road rage at times but please don't put my life at risk just because someone cuts you off.
62. Bring me chocolate...except when I'm dieting because then I will assume you are trying to keep me fat.
63. What other people look at as cheesy as far as lovey dovey stuff goes....I look at as the sweetest thing....so be cheesy :)
64. Remember thst I'm giving you the most valuable thing I have, my heart...I'm putting every ounce of trust I have into the hope that you will take care of it, don't abuse that priviledge.

Okay so there it is. My Lil Book....my 'Matters to Me' list...unrealistic?? Pffffft! I think not, but that's why I stopped where I did...adding things like, play the guitar for me while you sing in tune...yep...seemed like I was reaching at that point :)

Happy Thursday all a y'all :)

For Kelly...

~If I could I’d take all your tears, and carry all your sorrow,

I’d take the little broken bits, and hold them till tomorrow.

I'd take your place in the valley, shelter you from the rain,

Sprinkle sunshine all around you, and live with all the pain.

Sadly friend, I can’t take it all, but still I’ll stand by you,

And while the darkness closes in, the light always filters through.

So take my hand, we’ll walk a while, surrender and rearrange,

Find some way to work with life and the things that we can’t change.

Someday the pain will soften; I don’t think it ever goes away,

You just keep moving forward, and remember yesterday.

You’re thankful for every minute that he was here to stay,

And maybe for a moment, he doesn’t feel so far away.

And then it seems you smile, when your mind’s eye sees his face.

And you linger there in that memory that time cannot erase.

Thinking of you and your sweet family....love you muchly girly

Her name is Caroline....

I work in an accounting office and we just came through tax season...everyone survived...:) I meet all kinds of people in my job and honestly my most favorite thing about my job is chatting with the clients. Some of them come and go with only a brief exchange and others know all about the coming and goings in my life and I know theirs...and that makes us friends! While I generally like all of our clients....occasionally someone special comes my way and gives me this little burst of happiness in my spirit.

Her name is Caroline.

~She is precious. Small and delicate, 83 years old with the kindest most childlike eyes I've ever seen. She came in to get her personal taxes done and so we chatted. We talked about her children and how she is widowed and it's just her now. She asked me about my life and my children and expressed her apologies for how some things have turned out. I gave her the checklists to fill out and she said she would be back. I smiled when she left, and hoped I would see her again. Two days later she returned....making her way up the two flights of stairs into our office. She stood in front of my desk, fumbled through her wallet and pulled out twenty five dollars and went to hand it to me.

"Do you remember me?" She said.

"I absolutely remember you." I replied.

How could I not!! This tiny little woman that I wanted to put in my pocket and keep forever...lol. She then went on to tell me that she wanted to pay me to fill out the forms for her...the doctors wrecked her eyes and now she can't see a thing, she said. Gosh she made me smile...the way she said it was with complete frustration but still a gentle sweetness about her....I told her she didn't need to pay me and that I would be happy to fill out the forms with her...we went through the pages and made more small talk along the way. When we were done she said "At least let me buy you some flowers, you've been so kind." Oh my heck....I melted right then...I told her she didn't need to do that...that I was happy to do it because it meant we got to chat a little longer. She told me thank you and left her stuff with me and went on her way. Two hours later...the office was chaos with people dropping off their tax information and I glanced down the hallway to see her weaving her way through the seven or eight people...with flowers in her hand...Tulips...perfect for Easter she said, and much deserved for the girl who let a little old lady chat the afternoon away. She handed them to me and left. After the room cleared of people I sat at my desk and stared at the flowers...and thought how lucky am I for this brief interaction with someone so special. I called her a few days later and let her know that her taxes were done. She wouldn't be able to get into town right away...she was taking care of her kids farm while they were out of town...I still giggle when I think about that. If you could have seen her. Picture your usual grandma who seems to shrink 2 or 3 inches every time you see her. Yep...that is Caroline and so to picture her working a farm....frick it just makes me smile. Anyways she came in two weeks later to sign her taxes. I chatted with her, helped her with her pin number on the machine because clearly the 6x6 magnifier she had was not doing it's job. When she had paid, I helped her gather her stuff up....I was sad in a way....I knew I wouldn't see her again...at least until next year. She stood there for a minute just looking at me...and then motioned for me to come out from my desk...and I did. I stood in front of her. She looked up at me...her blue blue eyes looking right into my eyes. She put her hands on my cheeks and said "You are divine."....I choked on the thank you that I mustered..."The prettiest thing about you is that the hard stuff in your life didn't make you hard, people can tend to get mean when life doesn't go their way, and you are so sweet still. "Thank you for saying that" I said. She started to walk away...and then turned around and said..."You are a precious, precious girl." Oh my gosh...yep my eyes got wet then. I don't think that she even realized what she left me with that day. When things go wrong, you blame yourself and dig out every single shortcoming about who you are, you carry all the blame...but the reality is....sometimes things just don't go the way you planned, it doesn't make you less than who you are and you can still be awesome, regardless of the lows!! I soooo hope that I'm just like her when I get older...so gentle and sweet but strong in her thoughts. <3

How people treat other people is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves.

I'd say this is pretty accurate. Most days I feel pretty good about the job I'm doing as a human being, and try to live my life like that, like Caroline...being kind....just to be kind. It's her birthday soon and I hope her day is incredibly blessed....wish she knew how thankful I was for that day in my office...she gave me a lil something that I really needed.

Sunday chat with James

This weekend had ups and downs for me. Great fun with my girlfriend and periods of reflection....but in the middle of a low came a little bit of therapy from an unexpected place. On the dating site amidst mostly men who are only out for one thing or to play a quick game of messing with your mind, I have found very few who stand behind what they say or who really stand for anything. I will say that I have been fortunate to have a couple good experiences with really good men, just not the right men for me. When I start talking with someone I am almost always skeptical, initially believing that they are about to lay out an essay of lies. It sounds horrible but sadly it's the truth. This morning I started talking to a guy named James. As per usual, I got into game mode ready with any come back for anything he had to say. His profile said he was just looking for friends....yeah right...who is just looking for friends? We started with small talk, witty banter, and a teensy bit of intellect thrown in. We chatted online for 2 and a half hours and then he asked if we could talk on the phone. I said sure. On the phone the conversation was just as easy. We laughed a ton. I told him that he shouldn't have any trouble meeting someone when he changes his status from friends. He said he wasn't ready and I asked why......he got super quiet, did the guy clearing of the throat thing and I could hear a little shake in his voice. He got married to his high school sweetheart when they were 19, the love of his life he said. Four of the best kids in the world and a life that made him thankful every single day to be alive. He kept the two oldest and his wife took the two youngest to see her sister. On their way home, there was accident and all of them died. Oh my gosh, I kept it together....told him how sorry I was for his loss....and then he said "That's why I'm not ready yet, it wasn't supposed go like this." We talked about how life takes you on this completely unexpected road, when the only thing you want is the known path and how you constantly adjust your mind for the new changes. I'm emotional today and I hate that because Sundays are usually my favorite day. I was having a hard time not losing it during our chat....and then he said the one thing that I always say. "How do you create a new forever.....she was my forever." Oh heck, I started bawling like a baby, he was crying too. It was the saddest thing and also the most comforting thing at the same time. Another person feeling the exact same way. I told him I don't know....told him that I have a hard time seeing forever with anyone, all of them leave at some point, why plan for the future? He said it breaks his heart that someone so sweet and compassionate would feel like everyone will leave her. We talked about other stuff and going for coffee and Fish Creek park and how he's never been to the zoo. He said he feels like the pain won't ever leave and I told him that I remember that feeling. He asked what I did to get through it and I told him...."Do what you can today, and then tomorrow, wake up and do that again, over and over and over again." The pain gets to be less, the hurt softens and you change, you learn to adapt and most days are fantastic and in the midst of it there are really hard days, but you just keep doing it. We ended the conversation on a high note....talking about the summer and plans. Both of us thanked the other for being a friend on one of the low days. That conversation gave me perspective on a day when I really needed it from a neutral source. All of us are broken in little ways, all of us stomp in our own puddles but listening to him talk about the way he loved her, still loves her....it was so precious....to hear him be so raw and fragile in describing how he feels. Mostly he gave me the best reminder....Love your people....cherish the moments, choose the hill your gonna die on, don't take any of it for granted because it can all change in the fraction of a second. I need to remember that. Someday I'll do forever with someone.....when I'm ready for it....but for now, I'll be so thankful for sweet little moments like today, where a man reminded me that we are all trying to figure our way through some of the toughest hurts of our life. Thank you James for spending your Sunday with this girl. :)

Stealing the Sweetness

It's just one of those days. A day when I hate online dating. I hate the feeling of it feeling like an interview. I hate how quickly the conversations degenerate into intimate territory. I hate how they say just the right things to suck you in. They make you believe the lies that so freely fall from theirs mouths. They change you and mess with your mind...and then when they have you, it's like they try to steal your sweetness.
He said: Go ahead, get mad, yell and tell me that I'm an ass. You've got that in you. You're scared that if you're a bitch I'm gonna walk away.

I said: I'm not scared that you're gonna walk away....if you walk away, you don't deserve to have me, cuz I'm worth it ya know.

He said: You're too sweet and that makes you no challenge and unfortunately guys like a challenge.

I said: Then maybe I'm just not the right girl for you.

He said: F****** fight for it, beg me to stay or something!

I said: I begged a man to choose me once....I'll never beg again. You should walk away.

And he did.....

I didn't cry right then....I swallowed the lump over and over so that he wouldn't see me cry.

But when I got home....oh my gosh....I sobbed my heart out. People handle people with this intentional cruelty sometimes, they take things from you, make you jaded, make you feel broken. How do people do that? Why do people that? I start to feel disconnected, removed...I start to feel like the things that I love very most about myself are the things that boys seem to hate the most. They don't want this sweet girl. They want moody, and dramatic, and catty. I don't understand. I constantly come back to that quote...."Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard....it goes on from there...oh my heck....Be Soft....how do you keep doing that when everyone tells you, that's why they have leave you, because you're too soft...somedays I feel that sweet part of me fading...like I'll keep it inside...I'll give it to my people but withold it from men. Ultimately it always comes back because that's who am...but shoot...sometimes...I wish I was different. Feels like there's a whole lot of leaving happening around here....that breaks my heart a little...it's just a bad day....it'll pass...still gonna keep being me, cuz oh my gosh...I kinda like this girl....someday someone will think sweetness is the best thing ever....and anyways...it's not like I can't be bitchy...I can...but not if there isn't a reason to be....I seek out happy.....isn't that a good thing?....Bleh...

~ “Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”

Tomorrow is a New Day :)

Do not judge....

....I have over the last three years seen the very best in people and the very worst. I have been on the receiving end of having my spirit broken and thankfully have also been blessed with incredible people in my life who have given the very best of themselves in order to help me rebuild some of the broken parts. In a hundred ways I feel so far from the person that I was a few years ago. I have learned forgiveness and compassion. I have learned that I have no idea what other people are going through and if this was their last day on earth, I would want to leave something with them that says that people aren't so bad. I have learned to be humble and to be so grateful to have gotten through the stormiest part of my life. More than anything, I have learned to be kinder than I feel, because there is a human being on the other end of things with real emotions that can be damaged. I have mispoken and owned my choices. I have attempted to right the wrongs that I have done that caused damage to other people. This world is hard....being a grown up....oh my gosh....sooooooooo hard. Building new relationships....the hardest. Guys either want a bitchy girl or a girl void of feelings.....wow...I have long road....since I'm neither of those. Today is one of those days....when I wish my walk in closet was bigger. Maybe tomorrow will be better....
"Do not judge, you have no idea the storm I've asked them to walk through." -God
Gonna keep reminding myself of that...giving grace for the fact that I am not capable of understanding exactly what someone else has or is going through.

The waiting part sucks ass....just sayin :(

Didn't publish this post on Facebook mostly because I'm writing this one as therapy so if any of y'all happen across it and feel bad for not sending me luvs....don't feel bad. :) Life feels kinda bluish to me these days. I'm....oh my gosh...really struggling with relationships. The ones I don't want, want to stay and the one I want, doesn't want to stay. He says I'm too much work. He isn't wrong. My damaged bits I guess are too much for people and that makes me unbelieveably sad....seeeee cuz inside....I know what this girl brings to a relationship....and there is a ton of frickin fun in there!! Mornings spent laying in bed finding pictures in the stucco ceiling, dancing in the living room, a gazillion sticky notes with sweet words, coffee in bed, breaking into parks at night, scary movies(where you don't make fun of me) outstanding backrubs, cheering you on when your days suck, great food, drives to the middle of nowhere, kicking your ass at Scrabble and Sudoku but letting you be the man at poker and pool, cheering for your hockey team even if they aren't my team....Dang it...I'm a fun girl! However this girl is also emotional...this girl acts like she's 5 and lays on her bed and kicks her feet. This girl cries...probably too much for most but I cry at the good stuff too!! Geeeeeeesh! Bring me breakfast in bed and I'll totally get a lump in my throat.... Hard stuff changes you. This girl doesn't trust easily now....but oh my gosh, when she does....she'll have your back to the death!! Bestie says that when I'm with the right person they will understand me, they'll speak my language and they will be consistent to make me feel safe investing in them. Everyone who knows me says that the guy who gets to have me will be so super dee duper lucky! Yikes! I'm having a hard time feeling like that these days....Tracy says that she thinks that we're all pretty lucky if we end up with someone who puts up with all our shit and loves us anyways. I've learned a lot in the last few years....I'll surely continue to learn more along the way...I've learned that growing through the hard stuff has made me a better person in a ton of ways. When someone hurts me I try hard to understand their situation rather than hurt them back....I have patience to overcome the hardest parts of growing a valuable relationship....You go through this life altering moment in your life and you wonder if anything is ever going to feel right again.....and then you have this tiny little glimmer of excitement that tells you that maybe you are glad to be right here, right now in this moment. Yep....felt that for a bit...I know I'll feel it again. Sure wish boys could understand that for all the shit they have to put up with with us girls....we also do our fair share of putting up with crap....and for sure no one can say I don't fight for it...that kinda makes me happy to be able to say that....there have been tons of times when I wanted to run for the hills....especially in this last lil dot dot dot....but I didn't....I stayed while Bolty McBolterson ran...and then ran again....so Imma go ahead and give myself one little brownie point that I did one good thing amidst a handful of things done wrong...:( I'm not perfect.....guess maybe I just wish my damaged parts were different....not so hard for someone to work with...bleh.... ...Sometimes the mountain seems too steep...but that's okay....You have to climb it either way and you can either sing while you climb or bitch....maybe tomorrow I'll sing...:)) "If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you're not worth it. ... Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”

A lil Birdie told me

"A little birdie told me you should put on your jacket and run down to the candy store before it gets too cold....weird eh?" "When you get there, just say Hi,I'm Lanie." This was a text message I got this afternoon. I did as instructed and the lady behind the counter handed me a bunch of flowers and a hot large Double Double from Timmy's. Seeeeeeeee moments like this make being in the dating world totally worth it!