Stealing the Sweetness

It's just one of those days. A day when I hate online dating. I hate the feeling of it feeling like an interview. I hate how quickly the conversations degenerate into intimate territory. I hate how they say just the right things to suck you in. They make you believe the lies that so freely fall from theirs mouths. They change you and mess with your mind...and then when they have you, it's like they try to steal your sweetness.
He said: Go ahead, get mad, yell and tell me that I'm an ass. You've got that in you. You're scared that if you're a bitch I'm gonna walk away.

I said: I'm not scared that you're gonna walk away....if you walk away, you don't deserve to have me, cuz I'm worth it ya know.

He said: You're too sweet and that makes you no challenge and unfortunately guys like a challenge.

I said: Then maybe I'm just not the right girl for you.

He said: F****** fight for it, beg me to stay or something!

I said: I begged a man to choose me once....I'll never beg again. You should walk away.

And he did.....

I didn't cry right then....I swallowed the lump over and over so that he wouldn't see me cry.

But when I got home....oh my gosh....I sobbed my heart out. People handle people with this intentional cruelty sometimes, they take things from you, make you jaded, make you feel broken. How do people do that? Why do people that? I start to feel disconnected, removed...I start to feel like the things that I love very most about myself are the things that boys seem to hate the most. They don't want this sweet girl. They want moody, and dramatic, and catty. I don't understand. I constantly come back to that quote...."Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard....it goes on from there...oh my heck....Be Soft....how do you keep doing that when everyone tells you, that's why they have leave you, because you're too soft...somedays I feel that sweet part of me fading...like I'll keep it inside...I'll give it to my people but withold it from men. Ultimately it always comes back because that's who am...but shoot...sometimes...I wish I was different. Feels like there's a whole lot of leaving happening around here....that breaks my heart a little...it's just a bad day....it'll pass...still gonna keep being me, cuz oh my gosh...I kinda like this girl....someday someone will think sweetness is the best thing ever....and anyways...it's not like I can't be bitchy...I can...but not if there isn't a reason to be....I seek out happy.....isn't that a good thing?....Bleh...

~ “Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”

Tomorrow is a New Day :)

Do not judge....

....I have over the last three years seen the very best in people and the very worst. I have been on the receiving end of having my spirit broken and thankfully have also been blessed with incredible people in my life who have given the very best of themselves in order to help me rebuild some of the broken parts. In a hundred ways I feel so far from the person that I was a few years ago. I have learned forgiveness and compassion. I have learned that I have no idea what other people are going through and if this was their last day on earth, I would want to leave something with them that says that people aren't so bad. I have learned to be humble and to be so grateful to have gotten through the stormiest part of my life. More than anything, I have learned to be kinder than I feel, because there is a human being on the other end of things with real emotions that can be damaged. I have mispoken and owned my choices. I have attempted to right the wrongs that I have done that caused damage to other people. This world is hard....being a grown up....oh my gosh....sooooooooo hard. Building new relationships....the hardest. Guys either want a bitchy girl or a girl void of feelings.....wow...I have long road....since I'm neither of those. Today is one of those days....when I wish my walk in closet was bigger. Maybe tomorrow will be better....
"Do not judge, you have no idea the storm I've asked them to walk through." -God
Gonna keep reminding myself of that...giving grace for the fact that I am not capable of understanding exactly what someone else has or is going through.

The waiting part sucks ass....just sayin :(

Didn't publish this post on Facebook mostly because I'm writing this one as therapy so if any of y'all happen across it and feel bad for not sending me luvs....don't feel bad. :) Life feels kinda bluish to me these days. I'm....oh my gosh...really struggling with relationships. The ones I don't want, want to stay and the one I want, doesn't want to stay. He says I'm too much work. He isn't wrong. My damaged bits I guess are too much for people and that makes me unbelieveably sad....seeeee cuz inside....I know what this girl brings to a relationship....and there is a ton of frickin fun in there!! Mornings spent laying in bed finding pictures in the stucco ceiling, dancing in the living room, a gazillion sticky notes with sweet words, coffee in bed, breaking into parks at night, scary movies(where you don't make fun of me) outstanding backrubs, cheering you on when your days suck, great food, drives to the middle of nowhere, kicking your ass at Scrabble and Sudoku but letting you be the man at poker and pool, cheering for your hockey team even if they aren't my team....Dang it...I'm a fun girl! However this girl is also emotional...this girl acts like she's 5 and lays on her bed and kicks her feet. This girl cries...probably too much for most but I cry at the good stuff too!! Geeeeeeesh! Bring me breakfast in bed and I'll totally get a lump in my throat.... Hard stuff changes you. This girl doesn't trust easily now....but oh my gosh, when she does....she'll have your back to the death!! Bestie says that when I'm with the right person they will understand me, they'll speak my language and they will be consistent to make me feel safe investing in them. Everyone who knows me says that the guy who gets to have me will be so super dee duper lucky! Yikes! I'm having a hard time feeling like that these days....Tracy says that she thinks that we're all pretty lucky if we end up with someone who puts up with all our shit and loves us anyways. I've learned a lot in the last few years....I'll surely continue to learn more along the way...I've learned that growing through the hard stuff has made me a better person in a ton of ways. When someone hurts me I try hard to understand their situation rather than hurt them back....I have patience to overcome the hardest parts of growing a valuable relationship....You go through this life altering moment in your life and you wonder if anything is ever going to feel right again.....and then you have this tiny little glimmer of excitement that tells you that maybe you are glad to be right here, right now in this moment. Yep....felt that for a bit...I know I'll feel it again. Sure wish boys could understand that for all the shit they have to put up with with us girls....we also do our fair share of putting up with crap....and for sure no one can say I don't fight for it...that kinda makes me happy to be able to say that....there have been tons of times when I wanted to run for the hills....especially in this last lil dot dot dot....but I didn't....I stayed while Bolty McBolterson ran...and then ran again....so Imma go ahead and give myself one little brownie point that I did one good thing amidst a handful of things done wrong...:( I'm not perfect.....guess maybe I just wish my damaged parts were different....not so hard for someone to work with...bleh.... ...Sometimes the mountain seems too steep...but that's okay....You have to climb it either way and you can either sing while you climb or bitch....maybe tomorrow I'll sing...:)) "If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you're not worth it. ... Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”