*Disclaimer* Let me make it clear this entry is not about keeping people in the know...it is completely and entirely to make things perfectly clear to people who still continue to speculate about what is going on in my life. At the end of the day, I owe no one an explanation and struggled with writing this post for months, but nothing drives me more crazy than people assuming that they know what's going on when they really have no clue.....so there....take that for what it's worth, not me being sassy....but definitely me reminding people that at the end of the day......my life....my choices.
I've learned a lot in the last year and a half....about life and people and especially about the person inside me....it has been over a year...in fact almost two....of constant change and growth...with some nice highs and the lowest of lows.
The Highs:
My angel daughter is back in public school and that has been great for her....she has a ton of friends and aside from the occasional social dramas that unfold amidst the angt of teenage life, she seems to be really enjoying it. Her brother is taking an accelerated online program....he's brilliant and feels there is no need to waste unnecessary time spending 8 hours relearning what you already know and really I have no valid agruement against that point. My oldest boy but still my baby boy....moved out....phew....I bawled my face off...and then said 1 down 2 to go and then bawled my face off some more. He's going to be fine and this I know, but holy cow.....19 years of life flashes in a blink when one of them is leaving home.
My baby sister had a baby....a perfect little girl named Cora....I personally felt so frickin' old when I saw pictures of the baby....thinking about doing that phase again made me feel kind of illish...of course she is thrilled...the baby is gorgeous, mom,dad and baby are all doing great.
I got to spend the entire summer away from Calgary....time with family, and my girls...time to breathe and reflect and ponder how to choose to be moving in a forward direction....always.....
"Sometimes you have to let go of the life you had planned, to live the life you were meant to have."
Life has brought our family to new places in the last year and a half and has tested Jason and I on a number of levels.....life is hard...and marriage is ridiculously hard....sometimes no matter how hard you try, you just can't turn it around and that is the place that we found ourselves in towards the end of last year. We are moving into this time of our lives....trusting that all things will go the way that they should but that our lives are moving in separate directions. This separation isn't new...we've just chosen to keep our lives private. We are beyond the point of casting blame in either direction and instead choose to remember that our kids come first and their feelings matter most to us. That said all choices that we made in how we chose to proceed were done with the intention of keeping their best interests in mind.
The struggles in my personal life seem to be a constant reminder that the peaks and valleys are a daily occurence and that has become tiresome to me but I will still keep moving forward. Thank you to everyone who has known about the situation all the way through and has kept us in their prayers...we are so grateful.
I've learned some hard lessons this year...about human nature, friendships, relationships, parenting and personal growth. I've been disappointed in people and the way that they have handled certain situations. I have changed how some of my relationships function because I know that at the end of the day....they will always love themselves more than they love me and a certain measure of self preservation isn't a bad thing. I've seen friends find their voice as they strive to become the truest version of themselves....that in itself is an incredibly hard road to walk....when you choose to be, who you feel you are, you have to accept that there will be people who might not appreciate the new version of you....and that just has to be okay. I have wondered how people can sit so comfortably in their little glass houses...only because I know that generally no glass house is shatter proof. I have learned that you should never rely on another person for your own happiness and I've also decided that the expression 'two halves making a whole' is a load of crap. I am a complete person all by myself and no one makes me a better version of myself. If it all came down to it, everything that I would ever need, I already have....and I feel empowered by the knowledge of that.
I sit here now.....with so many unknowns still in front of me but the fear is gone(mostly), the deep deep sadness has grown into acceptance, and I can honestly say that this is what I know....life is a constant journey, full of storms, and hurt and joy and passion, but every step of it gets you closer to where you are supposed to be.....and so I will take all of the very best parts of the life that I have lived so far, keeping those memories close to my heart, and I will let everything else fall. You never stay in the same place forever....gosh I clung to that hope last year....and it's true, life is different now, not different bad.....just different....and I'm okay with that.....and we're all doing okay.
*This post was previously posted but there was confusion about the date posted with it so I just decided to delete and repost.
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