Sunday chat with James

This weekend had ups and downs for me. Great fun with my girlfriend and periods of reflection....but in the middle of a low came a little bit of therapy from an unexpected place. On the dating site amidst mostly men who are only out for one thing or to play a quick game of messing with your mind, I have found very few who stand behind what they say or who really stand for anything. I will say that I have been fortunate to have a couple good experiences with really good men, just not the right men for me. When I start talking with someone I am almost always skeptical, initially believing that they are about to lay out an essay of lies. It sounds horrible but sadly it's the truth. This morning I started talking to a guy named James. As per usual, I got into game mode ready with any come back for anything he had to say. His profile said he was just looking for friends....yeah right...who is just looking for friends? We started with small talk, witty banter, and a teensy bit of intellect thrown in. We chatted online for 2 and a half hours and then he asked if we could talk on the phone. I said sure. On the phone the conversation was just as easy. We laughed a ton. I told him that he shouldn't have any trouble meeting someone when he changes his status from friends. He said he wasn't ready and I asked why......he got super quiet, did the guy clearing of the throat thing and I could hear a little shake in his voice. He got married to his high school sweetheart when they were 19, the love of his life he said. Four of the best kids in the world and a life that made him thankful every single day to be alive. He kept the two oldest and his wife took the two youngest to see her sister. On their way home, there was accident and all of them died. Oh my gosh, I kept it together....told him how sorry I was for his loss....and then he said "That's why I'm not ready yet, it wasn't supposed go like this." We talked about how life takes you on this completely unexpected road, when the only thing you want is the known path and how you constantly adjust your mind for the new changes. I'm emotional today and I hate that because Sundays are usually my favorite day. I was having a hard time not losing it during our chat....and then he said the one thing that I always say. "How do you create a new forever.....she was my forever." Oh heck, I started bawling like a baby, he was crying too. It was the saddest thing and also the most comforting thing at the same time. Another person feeling the exact same way. I told him I don't know....told him that I have a hard time seeing forever with anyone, all of them leave at some point, why plan for the future? He said it breaks his heart that someone so sweet and compassionate would feel like everyone will leave her. We talked about other stuff and going for coffee and Fish Creek park and how he's never been to the zoo. He said he feels like the pain won't ever leave and I told him that I remember that feeling. He asked what I did to get through it and I told him...."Do what you can today, and then tomorrow, wake up and do that again, over and over and over again." The pain gets to be less, the hurt softens and you change, you learn to adapt and most days are fantastic and in the midst of it there are really hard days, but you just keep doing it. We ended the conversation on a high note....talking about the summer and plans. Both of us thanked the other for being a friend on one of the low days. That conversation gave me perspective on a day when I really needed it from a neutral source. All of us are broken in little ways, all of us stomp in our own puddles but listening to him talk about the way he loved her, still loves her....it was so precious....to hear him be so raw and fragile in describing how he feels. Mostly he gave me the best reminder....Love your people....cherish the moments, choose the hill your gonna die on, don't take any of it for granted because it can all change in the fraction of a second. I need to remember that. Someday I'll do forever with someone.....when I'm ready for it....but for now, I'll be so thankful for sweet little moments like today, where a man reminded me that we are all trying to figure our way through some of the toughest hurts of our life. Thank you James for spending your Sunday with this girl. :)

Stealing the Sweetness

It's just one of those days. A day when I hate online dating. I hate the feeling of it feeling like an interview. I hate how quickly the conversations degenerate into intimate territory. I hate how they say just the right things to suck you in. They make you believe the lies that so freely fall from theirs mouths. They change you and mess with your mind...and then when they have you, it's like they try to steal your sweetness.
He said: Go ahead, get mad, yell and tell me that I'm an ass. You've got that in you. You're scared that if you're a bitch I'm gonna walk away.

I said: I'm not scared that you're gonna walk away....if you walk away, you don't deserve to have me, cuz I'm worth it ya know.

He said: You're too sweet and that makes you no challenge and unfortunately guys like a challenge.

I said: Then maybe I'm just not the right girl for you.

He said: F****** fight for it, beg me to stay or something!

I said: I begged a man to choose me once....I'll never beg again. You should walk away.

And he did.....

I didn't cry right then....I swallowed the lump over and over so that he wouldn't see me cry.

But when I got home....oh my gosh....I sobbed my heart out. People handle people with this intentional cruelty sometimes, they take things from you, make you jaded, make you feel broken. How do people do that? Why do people that? I start to feel disconnected, removed...I start to feel like the things that I love very most about myself are the things that boys seem to hate the most. They don't want this sweet girl. They want moody, and dramatic, and catty. I don't understand. I constantly come back to that quote...."Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard....it goes on from there...oh my heck....Be Soft....how do you keep doing that when everyone tells you, that's why they have leave you, because you're too soft...somedays I feel that sweet part of me fading...like I'll keep it inside...I'll give it to my people but withold it from men. Ultimately it always comes back because that's who am...but shoot...sometimes...I wish I was different. Feels like there's a whole lot of leaving happening around here....that breaks my heart a little...it's just a bad day....it'll pass...still gonna keep being me, cuz oh my gosh...I kinda like this girl....someday someone will think sweetness is the best thing ever....and anyways...it's not like I can't be bitchy...I can...but not if there isn't a reason to be....I seek out happy.....isn't that a good thing?....Bleh...

~ “Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”

Tomorrow is a New Day :)

Do not judge....

....I have over the last three years seen the very best in people and the very worst. I have been on the receiving end of having my spirit broken and thankfully have also been blessed with incredible people in my life who have given the very best of themselves in order to help me rebuild some of the broken parts. In a hundred ways I feel so far from the person that I was a few years ago. I have learned forgiveness and compassion. I have learned that I have no idea what other people are going through and if this was their last day on earth, I would want to leave something with them that says that people aren't so bad. I have learned to be humble and to be so grateful to have gotten through the stormiest part of my life. More than anything, I have learned to be kinder than I feel, because there is a human being on the other end of things with real emotions that can be damaged. I have mispoken and owned my choices. I have attempted to right the wrongs that I have done that caused damage to other people. This world is hard....being a grown up....oh my gosh....sooooooooo hard. Building new relationships....the hardest. Guys either want a bitchy girl or a girl void of feelings.....wow...I have long road....since I'm neither of those. Today is one of those days....when I wish my walk in closet was bigger. Maybe tomorrow will be better....
"Do not judge, you have no idea the storm I've asked them to walk through." -God
Gonna keep reminding myself of that...giving grace for the fact that I am not capable of understanding exactly what someone else has or is going through.

The waiting part sucks ass....just sayin :(

Didn't publish this post on Facebook mostly because I'm writing this one as therapy so if any of y'all happen across it and feel bad for not sending me luvs....don't feel bad. :) Life feels kinda bluish to me these days. I'm....oh my gosh...really struggling with relationships. The ones I don't want, want to stay and the one I want, doesn't want to stay. He says I'm too much work. He isn't wrong. My damaged bits I guess are too much for people and that makes me unbelieveably sad....seeeee cuz inside....I know what this girl brings to a relationship....and there is a ton of frickin fun in there!! Mornings spent laying in bed finding pictures in the stucco ceiling, dancing in the living room, a gazillion sticky notes with sweet words, coffee in bed, breaking into parks at night, scary movies(where you don't make fun of me) outstanding backrubs, cheering you on when your days suck, great food, drives to the middle of nowhere, kicking your ass at Scrabble and Sudoku but letting you be the man at poker and pool, cheering for your hockey team even if they aren't my team....Dang it...I'm a fun girl! However this girl is also emotional...this girl acts like she's 5 and lays on her bed and kicks her feet. This girl cries...probably too much for most but I cry at the good stuff too!! Geeeeeeesh! Bring me breakfast in bed and I'll totally get a lump in my throat.... Hard stuff changes you. This girl doesn't trust easily now....but oh my gosh, when she does....she'll have your back to the death!! Bestie says that when I'm with the right person they will understand me, they'll speak my language and they will be consistent to make me feel safe investing in them. Everyone who knows me says that the guy who gets to have me will be so super dee duper lucky! Yikes! I'm having a hard time feeling like that these days....Tracy says that she thinks that we're all pretty lucky if we end up with someone who puts up with all our shit and loves us anyways. I've learned a lot in the last few years....I'll surely continue to learn more along the way...I've learned that growing through the hard stuff has made me a better person in a ton of ways. When someone hurts me I try hard to understand their situation rather than hurt them back....I have patience to overcome the hardest parts of growing a valuable relationship....You go through this life altering moment in your life and you wonder if anything is ever going to feel right again.....and then you have this tiny little glimmer of excitement that tells you that maybe you are glad to be right here, right now in this moment. Yep....felt that for a bit...I know I'll feel it again. Sure wish boys could understand that for all the shit they have to put up with with us girls....we also do our fair share of putting up with crap....and for sure no one can say I don't fight for it...that kinda makes me happy to be able to say that....there have been tons of times when I wanted to run for the hills....especially in this last lil dot dot dot....but I didn't....I stayed while Bolty McBolterson ran...and then ran again....so Imma go ahead and give myself one little brownie point that I did one good thing amidst a handful of things done wrong...:( I'm not perfect.....guess maybe I just wish my damaged parts were different....not so hard for someone to work with...bleh.... ...Sometimes the mountain seems too steep...but that's okay....You have to climb it either way and you can either sing while you climb or bitch....maybe tomorrow I'll sing...:)) "If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you're not worth it. ... Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”

A lil Birdie told me

"A little birdie told me you should put on your jacket and run down to the candy store before it gets too cold....weird eh?" "When you get there, just say Hi,I'm Lanie." This was a text message I got this afternoon. I did as instructed and the lady behind the counter handed me a bunch of flowers and a hot large Double Double from Timmy's. Seeeeeeeee moments like this make being in the dating world totally worth it!

A New Year's a Comin :)

Sooooooo for like the past two weeks I've been thinking....Frick can't wait to say goodbye to this year. But last night...as I was laying in bed beside my 14 year old roommate....I was thinking about everything that's happened this year....which to other people wouldn't really be much....but for this girl.....phew....it felt like a lot. There were some lows in there....not the scraping the bottom of the barrel kinda lows....but definitely little moments of trudging through the puddles. But last night I fell asleep thinking about all the best things of 2012....and sooooo I'm only going to focus on that...:) Seeeeee how nice it is when today is not a rant day?? :) The last year has been exhausting for me but so worth it. I'm so thankful for my job and the people that I work with. They have in a ton of ways become friends to me. It is seriously awesome when you can go to work and have fun, and also have therapy at the same time...:) That job became my freedom....knowing that I could do it all on my own, made me less scared about the future and being all on my own. This year has tested me as a mother. My momma didn't lie when she said I'm gonna get pay back for all of my teenage years. My payback started much earlier than I had prepped myself for....and comes in the form of a gorgeous, funny, smart, sassy, creative, dramatic 14 year old. But the payoff....yep....it's worth it. She has become something different to me than just my daughter. She is a genuinely good person, with the softest heart. I am still the mother, but in a ton of ways, I can see us transitioning to friendship. That gives me a lump in my throat....the years seemed to pass in a blink and in my mind sometimes....she's still just five, standing in the kitchen in a very...uhmmmm....creative ensemble of clothing, asking me what I think. I'm so proud of her. I'm thankful for all of them. For the one who texts me every second day to say "I love you mom" and asks me to come and live with him....lol. For the one with his quiet, calm reasoning..... who's logic sometimes over rides what I would classify as good judgement, but who knows at the end of the day....I love him and am so thankful for the calmness in my life that only he gives me. They are after all, my greatest purpose, and biggest reward. I am beyond grateful to the women in my life....momzy....who never ever ever makes me feel like I'm sucking at this whole single parenting thing. The one who always tells me that she's so proud of me, even on the suckiest days. My other mothers(you know who you are) whos little words may seem so small to you, but have carried me through the hardest days. My best girls....here....and there.... who make me laugh, take me out, make me feel like I'm super fantastic and who never waiver in standing beside me even when I like super piss them off! Suprisingly I'm also thankful for the men in my life....though honestly...some of y'all don't deserve that title...buuuuuut I'm not gonna focus on that....instead I'm going to say that this was a great year in datingland.....in this little non magical land....there are snaggletoothed beasts but there are also some...err...like one or two... that seem Prince-like. I am choosing to take the few best qualities from most and remind myself what I need in a healthy relationship. I have been incredibly blessed by one man that came into my life over a year ago. I may have ranted a couple of weeks ago and honestly a fight with him started that rant.... cuz him and I duked it out pretty good....but the best thing about him is that he calls me on my shit...and says sorry for his own. He has become an incredible friend to me. He's sane and adjusted and though slightly dysfunctional....always....always....the voice of reason for me. He kicks my ass, makes me laugh....like every single day...tells me I'm doing a really good job...and gives me a slight glimmer....that there are really good men out there. He thinks he isn't all that...always says....he's a normal guy....oh frick...if he only knew. :)) I'm looking forward to this next year. I can feel myself changing, growing, adjusting to this different life. I have the galoshes handy, because seriously....I'd be feeding you a bunch of crap if I said I'm done with puddles....there will be many I'm sure...but I also know that you can't have a rainbow without a lil rain :) Happy New Year to all the people in my life....may your lives be blessed in countless ways...may your perfect days make you thankful, and your toughest days make you stronger....and I hope that you all know how grateful I am to have you in my life, sharing the best days and the blue days and ever giving me the little nudges I need to keep moving forward. xoxo

In the closet....

Sooooo after my little rant the other day, I started to be a little bitchy with myself. Started feeling like...."Geez girl, none of these people who read this lil blog get to hear the good stuff"...and I really did start thinking how easy it is for me to write when I need to vent but not so much when I need to talk to y'all about how I'm trying my very best to lift myself higher...soooo with that said....this post might sound so dramatic and tragic in part but it really isn't....it's actually a rah rah me....I've come so far!! K so I know I'm not the only one that has lived a moment in life that felt completely bigger than hell. A segment of time where you were certain that life was never ever going to feel good again and where the thought of getting in your car and driving away....like forever, seemed not only logical but also very practical.....that defining moment that is either going to BREAK you or MAKE you. Yep lived that. 1040 days ago the pieces started falling....my marriage was breaking and I had no power to stop it. Honestly....gosh....I remember saying to my bestie...."How do people keep on living through this....like it hurts to breath."...and she would just keep saying...."you just do"...."you just keep going".....but I also remember telling my other girlfriend...."Did you know that dolphins are the only mammal that can choose not to breath anymore? I wish I was a dolphin." Hands down these were the saddest days of my life. My visions of forever were gone, I was completely lost and beyond broken. I struggled to see the purpose of my life...tried to figure out where the heck to go from here...worried about how different my kids would end up being because of this....and loathed all things MEN....but oh my gosh....the best thing that came out of this is something that probably never would have come to be if things hadn't gone this way. See back then during married life and being a mom....I didn't have time to nurture a valuable relationship. I let it fall by the wayside to put other people first. Typical of most mothers, we value ourselves based only on the contributions that we make on behalf of our families. But when you find yourself in the middle of nowhere wondering how the hell this happened, sometimes you have to dig so deep to get out of it. That's what happened with me at least....I had to dig for it. People seriously think I joke when I talk about taking up residence in my walk in closet but for the better part of two months....I lived in there. I'd sit for hours in the dark... praying, crying, yelling at God, sleeping, wishing, and mostly dreaming of a place far from there....not geographically....but a place in time where the fractured smile didn't cover up a gaping wound......a time when I would feel sooooo far from wanting to live in a closet. I know why I moved in there....it's hard to explain it to other people though. The sadness I had felt so consuming, like it was penetrating every single ounce of me and when I was out in the world, too much air made me feel like I couldn't breath. I'm giggling as I type this, thinking that must sound completely crazy, but the truth of it is, I really had to make my world sooooooo teeeny tiny, so that I could dig for what I needed to find in myself. There have only been a handful of times in my life where I have felt that actual physical pain where your heart is....even thinking about what that pain feels like, gives me a lump in my throat and I had to do whatever it took to make that pain subside. Anyways....those two months in the closet....in that tiny little space....I grew. I grew in the relationship with myself...I grew into a place of acceptance....I craved to know myself....to really truly know this girl that I had neglected...I had tons of Runaway Bride moments..."Did I or didn't I actually like scrambled eggs?" "Did I like the Star Wars movies?" "Do I actually think a T.V. in the bedroom helps you sleep?" The answer to all of those is NO...but prior to this I would have said yes to them.....I grew in my faith...probably because yelling at God made me feel guilty and more than that...I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT FEEL STRONG ENOUGH TO GET THROUGH THIS ON MY OWN...I needed to have faith in something, or someone far bigger than myself, that I was going to get to the other side of this.....I grew, and I grew and I grew. I wish now that I had taken a picture so you guys could see it....my little fortress....the walls covered in sticky notes and ripped pieces of paper with words on them, a pile of blankets, books...some read a dozen times or more..poems I had printed off the internet...reminding of the ebb and flow that comes with living......my therapy book under the pillow....OH THE PLACES YOU'LL GO.....by Dr. Suess....this book became like a little lifeline for me...reminding me that this moment was gonna pass...no matter how long it took..no matter how dark the days felt....no matter how endless the nights felt.....it would pass at some point and that life is a constant mix of peaks and valleys. Don't get me wrong....while I was growing I was also raging. I ripped myself a new one in the beginning....carrying the weight of someone else's choice as my own. I convinced myself that I was nothing of value and that I had wasted this one precious life that God had given me. That's where the notes came in. At first, they just said a couple of words..."You are ok"...." You are good"...."You matter"....and over time they became longer....and after a little while....all these words became my testimony...I felt different...wounded but unbreakable....scared but brave enough to rise up and meet this challenge....the bitterness got softer and the grace got bigger. I grew in my ability to forgive people for the things they can't change. Oh my gosh, that probably did the most in helping me become ME. I wished a thousand times for life to have a rewind button, promising and bargaining with God that I would do it differently if he could just back up the train. Ultimately I knew that there would be no time machine and I had to figure out how to let go and move forward and I also knew that if I couldn't forgive, then I wouldn't be able to keep my eyes ahead of me, I would always be looking at what I left behind. When I packed up my little nest in the closet and moved back into my life, I knew that I would be fine. I knew that I was ready. I knew there would be countless moments when I would want to retreat to the closet and cry my face off. I knew I would stomp through puddles and find myself in valleys, but I also knew that whatever I thought I lacked in strength was there, waiting inside for me to need it and use it. Who knows where life is going to take me, none of us are guaranteed anything beyond this one moment....I'm doing my best to use these moments, to be a positive person to the people around me, to be a good mother, even on the days when exhaustion takes over, trying not to let my bad attitude about men and other things plague me, being the best friend I can be to my little circle of people, and absolutely being thankful for who I am, and how I've grown and changed. So far from perfect, with so much work to do....but oh my gosh....I'm doing okay...and I'm so thankful for those two months in the closet. That's where I got to take all the broken pieces of my life and recreate them into something new....I've talked about mosaics before,how sometimes what comes from the broken glass is more beautiful than the original...I guess time will tell as far as the opinion of other people goes.....but honestly....it doesn't matter to me if other people think I'm different or that I've changed for the worse or better.....I look at myself.....seriously I could cry...I'm so proud of who I am, and where I'm going and how brilliant I am....see cuz while people thought I was crazy...I knew what I was going to find in my little Narnia...I knew that's where I was going to find myself again.....