Broken Glass

My life, this part of my life feels like broken glass...

You look at a piece of glass...so perfectly made, flawless as the sun catches the different edges and colors...and then the glass shatters....fragments and shards scattered all around you...you assume that all of those broken pieces could never be remade....but then....you think of mosaics....tiny pieces put back together to create something beautiful and often it so much more beautiful than the original piece ever was....that is what I believe to be true about myself and my life.

Sometimes you sit so certain in knowing where your life is going and what you are doing and who you are with...but then it changes and you have no choice but to take it all in and breathe and walk through it.

Three months ago when my life started feeling too heavy, I hated being in that place...but now I know...now I can see...that God loves me so much that he knew I needed three months of really hard stuff to get me to this place of strength and I am so thankful for that....

Someone I met the other day, said something that brought me to tears...she said that sometimes it feels like you are in a slingshot being pulled further and further back against the resistance and just when you think you can't take anymore, the slingshot lets go and God propels you so much further than you ever could have gotten on your own...I cling to that now and see the promise in that...because I know that there will be days ahead that will be hard to live in, and so I hold tight to the promise of what is to come. We are the sum of our choices and while I do believe that sometimes there is regret in someone's choices I do also believe that if you are going to make that choice then you need to be prepared to walk all the way through that choice.

To everyone who reads this that knows me and knows my family...I'm asking that you use good judgment in your posts and comments and try to send me private messages if you have something to say. Far beyond my own needs there are others who come first in my life.

Pray for us, for our family that we will be lifted to a place of strength and understanding....and if you could....could you pray for him too....or even just hold him in your thoughts for a moment....this isn't easy for anyone...but it is what it is.

Love you all.

Be so blessed.

The rain just keeps coming.....

I think I have cried more in the last 6 weeks than ever before in my life. I have questioned God and yes even screamed out at him at times. I'm a good girl and yet here I sit wondering what earned me the privilege of sitting in this place.

I miss my life...my simple, sometimes predictable, fun loving, light hearted, always blessed life. I miss knowing where I'm going and what I'm doing. I miss knowing myself and admiring her in so many ways. I miss feeling like I had come so far and made so much progress in personal growth.

I loathe this season in my life....I dream about making it to the other side of this and looking back and knowing that it was really hard but so worth it because it made me better.

Some days I feel like Pigpen from Charlie Brown with the cloud of dirt following him only mine happens to be a dark black rain cloud that seems to favor hovering above my head only while letting the sun shine down on everyone else around me. The longer it goes, the harder it is to keep your eyes on the sky waiting for the clouds to part....but I will...because I have to....because even though having faith in God is sometimes hard for me...I have no choice...this road would be too hard without him and so I have to believe that he knows the design for my life and that what will be is his will.

For those who read this that also pray....if you could chuck me into the mix I'd sure be thankful...because I really need it right now. I sure hope that it's true....that in the valleys I grow.....because this is by far, the longest, deepest valley that I have ever found myself walking through.

Take care all and be so blessed today and everyday.

Just waitin on the Rainbow......

I remember years ago....actually what feels like a lifetime ago going through a hurtful break up and though my emotions spun wildly out control I still kept telling myself...this will pass because after the rain, there is always the rainbow. It sounds like such a cliche little phrase but there were days when I needed that to be my mantra in order to limp me through.

And now it seems here I am all these years later....and I'm walking in the rain....a torrential downpour actually....but I'll keep moving forward because I know what's coming.

The details of what exactly is raining down in my shit storm (sorry grandma for saying shit....twice)is irrelevant to anyone else and I am certain in comparison to things that other people go through that what I deem a downpour others would deem similar to a springtime rain.

I can't use this place as a word vomit holding tank or a therapy session....but I want to encourage anyone out there that is going through hard stuff right now to keep your chin up and your eyes on the sky....the rain will cease, the clouds will part and there in all it's perfection will be God's most visual creation of what comes after the storm.

In addition I just want to say that everyone has friends who sometimes drive them crazy and sometimes you want to shake them but most of the time you sit so blessed to have them in your life.....that person....that one person who is your safe place when you feel like you're falling apart, that person who peels you off her floor and offers you a place to just sit and be and breathe...who holds no judgment and offers only gentle advice but who mostly just listens...who cries with you while you feel like you are breaking but never makes you feel weak....who knows you almost better than anyone and whose heart feels the fracture that comes in knowing that your heart is breaking....and that one person who after 7 hours knows you well enough to know that the only thing you need to hear on the way out the door is....Tomorrow is a New Day...and for her....I am so thankful.

Quicky Disclaimer: No one is Dying, getting divorced or running away from home.

Forward Ever.....Backward Never.....

The title up there seems so easy...four simple little words but yet I feel as though I have spent the better part of this past year looking backwards. At least I'm not left with the feeling that it was time wasted...I did learn a lot, about myself and other people. Moving into a new decade, some steps I take will seem so timid and tender, only because I know that I have to be careful with my emotions so that I don't end up taking an unwanted roller coaster ride. Other steps I take will be spirited, certain and intentional because I will know that I can handle the outcome.

I feel like I spent a ton of time living in "the early days"...reminiscing about the kids being babies and the funny things they did, reflecting on the early years of marriage and sitting so proud of ourselves at how far we've come, recalling my own life and crying a ton over all the peaks and valleys that I have personally experienced. I feel like I have dreamed a thousand dreams about how simple my life would be if it weren't for the things still waiting to be resolved...no worries here though...God's timing is perfect timing and I can be patient.

I face the prospect that my baby boy will leave home this year and even as I type this, the lump in my throat is blocking my ability to breath. Jason and I talk a lot about finishing things off together when the kids are gone....but these days it seems as though the years passed in a blink and Colby has always seemed fearless in his anticipation of making his own way in the world so I have known for a long time that this child would not be the one who would sponge off of his parents until he was 26. I hope he stays for a little while longer but if he needs to go...then I'll just let him go.

My husband saw lots of changes career wise as he began to move his job in too many different directions to keep track of. Truthfully though I've never seen him so excited about the future as he has been this past year and he learned a ton of things that he really needed to learn this year....mostly about other people.

I brought the kids home to be home schooled once again after so much anticipation at the thought of having my own life again but it really was a decision that held no other options and they are doing great this year.

We experienced loss this year twice more than we anticipated although it did help us linger in the blessing of coming back to what is important.

I made new friends, brought old friends in closer to me and let some relationships go. The list of personal growth endeavors that I have taken on would far exceed a worthy read and also far exceed my comfort zone to share them right now but I feel like I am becoming more and more like who I think I am inside though there is still so much work to be done.

I can't say that I will be sad to see this past year go. In fact I'm actually elated to blow a kiss to 2009 and send it packing....

The year ahead holds so many unknowns for all of us. Some of us are moving to the other side of the world and we are so proud of the work they are doing. Some of us will welcome new additions to their families and I will be so happy for them(uhmmm as I say thank God it ain't me) I'm excited to see where this year leads, blessed to know that I have him standing beside me, and proud to know that I'm doing okay...that we're doing okay....life isn't perfect, but seriously, if you have perfection then there isn't anything to strive for and what fun is that.

Happy New Year all!! Be safe and be blessed!

The Joy, Peace and Faith in my life..........

I have always said that my children each represented something different to my life and that each of them filled in the missing gap in a certain area of my life.



See this face? He is the Joy in my life. Having him made me feel like my life's purpose had been fulfilled. Any and all hindrances I had with God were erased in that single moment when he was born. He has always been a pretty easy going kid and a mama's boy. He never asked for a ton growing up and always made me feel like I was doing a really good job at this whole mothering thing. He makes me laugh every single day. He has a natural sense of humor and the next comedic monologue always seems to be on the tip of his tongue. He lights up my life. He's good and kind and really wants to live his life in a way that makes other people's lives better...I'm really blessed that I'm his mom....when I'm feeling blue he can turn it all around just with his quick wit and upbeat energy.



Next came my Logi....the Peace in my life. I knew Logan was a boy all along....and I knew that he was going to be a gentle soul. My pregnancy was a walk in the park compared to Colby and that calmness seemed to carry on after he was born. He was just easy...never demanding...just content. He is very smart and very logical in his thoughts and actions which often gets him into trouble but at the end of the day he is the one who can sit with me and bring me to a calm place. Though he doesn't easily show his emotions he is much more of an emotional person than the other two. His feelings get easily hurt at raised voices and he doesn't do well at confrontation....him and I are just the same in those areas. He has a sense of humor that is truly only for really smart people because they are jokes that require thought to get the punchline. Logan is the one though at the end of the day, if my world has been too overwhelming, feels most like a massage for my soul.



Rounding out the group came my girl Mara....the faith in my life. This child would be an answered prayer for me on so many levels. Because she was a girl...she was the one who marked the milestones in my own life. Marking those moments in time came with a lot of pain along the way because my life became so clear to me when I was seeing it through her eyes. She is the one that I want to hold close to me and keep with me forever and protect and save from anything bad happening to her. But she is also the one that brought faith to me that things can come full circle. In so many ways watching her grow up and change has been like therapy for me....to work on my own weaknesses and heal pains that I have carried far too long...I guess I do live a little bit through her....she makes me smile in the knowing that I am doing right by her...she will not walk my same road....not to say that she won't be laying on a Shrinks couch one day griping about how I wrecked her life or scarred her....who knows...I'll pay that bill when it comes I guess.

Watching my kids and seeing them interact with each other and with us, I'm amazed....they really are great kids...sure they duke it out pretty good sometimes but at the end of the day they still love each other. For me, being their mom has encouraged me to see my own value and purpose. I know that I'm valuable all my own but they show me every day that I'm doing okay and who doesn't need a little bit of that kind of encouragement.

Thank God for the Joy that makes my heart smile....the Peace that brings serenity to my soul....and the Faith that renews my spirit with the hope that all things can eventually heal.

Hope you are all super blessed moving into December.

Best part of Bananas, Strawberries and Cream Puffs

Ya know what the best part of Bananas, Mini marshmallows,Strawberries,Apples and Cream Puffs is?? Mmmmmmm the chocolate that you can dip them in! I do, I do, I do love chocolate. But when you can find fun ways to eat chocolate it just makes it that much better! I made the kids a quick supper tonight after a day of running around and I was looking in my pantry trying to think of something fun for dessert....then I found the perfect thing.



I grabbed fruit from the fridge, creampuffs from the freezer, mini marshmallows from the pantry and assembled them on a platter...then came....ahhhh....perfection....



Last year I picked up this Little Dipper from Walmart for 7 or 8 dollars and it is perfect for melting dipping chocolate.....so I plugged it in and threw in the chocolate...and waited. It takes next to no time and I called the kids down for their impromptu fondue....Uhhmmm notice what I just did back there <-----------made a cutsy little rhyme. They were thrilled. Kids love it when we do things that make it seem like it's a special occasion even when it isn't or when we make them feel super important at the end of a really busy day. Plus I know it makes them waaaaay love me because they think I worked so hard at it even though I didn't.



I always think that it's stuff like this that they will do someday with their own kids...those little moments that made the day seem a little bigger. Hopefully the boys don't end up with a crappy wife or they will be really disappointed when they realize that I actually was Betty Crocker.

P.S. A certain little girl having a sleep over was very quick to announce that she will definitely be having a fondue at her next birthday...Mara looked at her in shock and disbelief when she said that she had never had one before...I turned my head and laughed...it's sad...I know....too bad we can't all be a Betty.

Anyways Happy Friday all and make sure you do one little something this weekend that makes your kids feel Xtra special!

Quicky Disclaimer: Chocolate should be a sweet addition to fruit on occasion but one should still frequently eat fruits without any accompanying items such as chocolate....blah blah blah!

Best Parts of Today....

We woke up this morning to the snow falling and accumulating quite nicely on the back deck...I groaned as I walked to the coffee pot....pffft...too soon for this. But then Logan came up from his room and Mara came down and they both decided collectively that the best lessons for homeschooling today could be learned on the toboggan hill. Logan went into some rambling about getting the best aerodynamics on the hill by doing such and such...good Lord...the kid is waaaaay smarter than me. I smiled a little on the inside as they got bundled from head to toe to head outside. In their eyes they were thrilled that between yesterday and today enough snow had collected to create the perfect outdoor experience...and in that two minutes of watching them run around feverishly gathering their gear...I wished that same attitude in myself. It's just snow....I'm certain in the coming months I'll whine about it more often than not but for this day, I'll be excited for them. I'll make turkey soup and biscuits for lunch from the leftover Thanksgiving dinner. After we'll have hot chocolate and pumpkin pie and maybe play a board game. Tonight I'll look back on the day and realize that we didn't learn with books today but I'll be okay with that because I will know that someday years from now after the time has passed much too quickly....I know they will remember days like today.

Going back to homeschooling after them being in public for just a month and a half wasn't an easy choice. We debated and talked into the night about it. Ultimately as more days passed the choice became easier and easier. My daughter is fragile in so many ways and I watched her slowly breaking and couldn't do it anymore. So we brought them back home....back to me...not because I wanted to give them the easy way out but because I wanted to know that I was and am doing all I can to do right by them and their school just wasn't the right fit. I have no idea if we'll do it this year and then move on to private or if I'll do it until the end. For right now that doesn't matter. Dolly's stomach aches and chronic diarrhea have subsided. The anxiety at bedtime is getting better and the sores on her mouth have cleared for now...I made the right choice...and I am blessed that I get to make that choice. My hubby supports me and encourages me and when I was struggling and didn't know what we should do it was he who said..."You're the one who always says that the days disappear quicker and quicker and before we know they will have their own lives, so soak it all in now while you can."

That's what we're going to do, soak it in.....we'll do book stuff and writing and math and all the 'school' stuff....but we'll also play board games and watch movies in the middle of the day and make chocolate mug cakes and go sledding and walk to high street for coffee in the afternoon, and lay on the couch reading on blustery winter days....we'll do 'life' stuff.

I'm sure come April I'll be dreaming of summer and the end of another school year but for now it's easy to fluff it all up in my mind....I guess because I know that all too soon....I'm gonna miss this.

Happy Wednesday all!

Disclaimer: Although it may appear as though Logan was about to use his toboggan as a weapon...that was not the case...they love each other....they really do!