*Disclaimer* Let me make it clear this entry is not about keeping people in the know...it is completely and entirely to make things perfectly clear to people who still continue to speculate about what is going on in my life. At the end of the day, I owe no one an explanation and struggled with writing this post for months, but nothing drives me more crazy than people assuming that they know what's going on when they really have no clue.....so there....take that for what it's worth, not me being sassy....but definitely me reminding people that at the end of the day......my life....my choices.
I've learned a lot in the last year and a half....about life and people and especially about the person inside me....it has been over a year...in fact almost two....of constant change and growth...with some nice highs and the lowest of lows.
The Highs:
My angel daughter is back in public school and that has been great for her....she has a ton of friends and aside from the occasional social dramas that unfold amidst the angt of teenage life, she seems to be really enjoying it. Her brother is taking an accelerated online program....he's brilliant and feels there is no need to waste unnecessary time spending 8 hours relearning what you already know and really I have no valid agruement against that point. My oldest boy but still my baby boy....moved out....phew....I bawled my face off...and then said 1 down 2 to go and then bawled my face off some more. He's going to be fine and this I know, but holy cow.....19 years of life flashes in a blink when one of them is leaving home.
My baby sister had a baby....a perfect little girl named Cora....I personally felt so frickin' old when I saw pictures of the baby....thinking about doing that phase again made me feel kind of illish...of course she is thrilled...the baby is gorgeous, mom,dad and baby are all doing great.
I got to spend the entire summer away from Calgary....time with family, and my girls...time to breathe and reflect and ponder how to choose to be moving in a forward direction....always.....
"Sometimes you have to let go of the life you had planned, to live the life you were meant to have."
Life has brought our family to new places in the last year and a half and has tested Jason and I on a number of levels.....life is hard...and marriage is ridiculously hard....sometimes no matter how hard you try, you just can't turn it around and that is the place that we found ourselves in towards the end of last year. We are moving into this time of our lives....trusting that all things will go the way that they should but that our lives are moving in separate directions. This separation isn't new...we've just chosen to keep our lives private. We are beyond the point of casting blame in either direction and instead choose to remember that our kids come first and their feelings matter most to us. That said all choices that we made in how we chose to proceed were done with the intention of keeping their best interests in mind.
The struggles in my personal life seem to be a constant reminder that the peaks and valleys are a daily occurence and that has become tiresome to me but I will still keep moving forward. Thank you to everyone who has known about the situation all the way through and has kept us in their prayers...we are so grateful.
I've learned some hard lessons this year...about human nature, friendships, relationships, parenting and personal growth. I've been disappointed in people and the way that they have handled certain situations. I have changed how some of my relationships function because I know that at the end of the day....they will always love themselves more than they love me and a certain measure of self preservation isn't a bad thing. I've seen friends find their voice as they strive to become the truest version of themselves....that in itself is an incredibly hard road to walk....when you choose to be, who you feel you are, you have to accept that there will be people who might not appreciate the new version of you....and that just has to be okay. I have wondered how people can sit so comfortably in their little glass houses...only because I know that generally no glass house is shatter proof. I have learned that you should never rely on another person for your own happiness and I've also decided that the expression 'two halves making a whole' is a load of crap. I am a complete person all by myself and no one makes me a better version of myself. If it all came down to it, everything that I would ever need, I already have....and I feel empowered by the knowledge of that.
I sit here now.....with so many unknowns still in front of me but the fear is gone(mostly), the deep deep sadness has grown into acceptance, and I can honestly say that this is what I know....life is a constant journey, full of storms, and hurt and joy and passion, but every step of it gets you closer to where you are supposed to be.....and so I will take all of the very best parts of the life that I have lived so far, keeping those memories close to my heart, and I will let everything else fall. You never stay in the same place forever....gosh I clung to that hope last year....and it's true, life is different now, not different bad.....just different....and I'm okay with that.....and we're all doing okay.
*This post was previously posted but there was confusion about the date posted with it so I just decided to delete and repost.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Betcha didn't know.....
Okay seriously, I'm too depressed today to blog about anything emotional, serious, worldly or enlightening. Depressed isn't even the right word...I'm grouchy....I hate the snow, I hate the cold, and am quickly becoming seriously jaded by the human race as a whole......ick... I hate having a bad attitude but I just do today and it's okay because I'm allowed because I'm the boss of myself.....so there!
In case you didn't know this, I am profoundly smart....like genius smart....like for sure way smarter than any of my friends....this statement would come as no surprise to them as they all concure(see how I threw a 'smart' word in there) and everyone agrees that I should have been a therapist thus my trademarked comment "Pay me like I'm licensed." <-----(Not to be used out of context)
In an effort to perk up the foul mood I'm in....here are a few things about me that I betcha didn't know....
-Green skittles taste like the smell of stink bugs to me.
-I have an ice crunching habit.
-When I get stress out I twist my hair.
-I clean my ears obsessively.
-When I want to stop my self from crying I pinch my ear.
-I talk out loud to myself(a sign of genius.....just saying...an additional key note here would be that the author of a yet-to-be published book called 'Smart Plan' also talks to himself....food for thought there.
-I still hate feet....with a passion.
-I wrap my fingers around my wrist at least 5 times a day.
-I'm a little obsessed with the labels on things in my pantry.
-Coffee is quite possibly my very favorite thing on the planet.
-Dancing always makes me feel better.
-The smell of Nina Apple perfume makes me smile no matter what (like literally smile)
-My bucket list has 33 things on it.
-I burn candles every single day almost....even in the summer.
-I hate scrambled eggs.
-Sometimes I use his razor just to make him mad.
-I hide money and then forget where I put it.
-I write something almost every day.
-I loathe liver.
-I've thrown up on a carnival ride.
-I love scary movies.
-I chew the inside of my lip when I'm anxious.
-When I'm laying in bed at night, if I can't fall asleep, I tap my feet against the bed until I fall asleep.
-I love coupons.
-My feet aren't ticklish.
-When I was seven I flipped over a stairs banister and cracked open my chin.
-I love the feeling of sneezing.
-I adore the Little House on the Prairie Series.
-I love walking alone in the dark.
-I hum when I'm in pain.
-I'm a very chatty person in the morning and the fact that other people aren't is very fascinating to me.
-I hate the circus.
-I'm a word-a-holic....I love quotes and profound sayings.
-Sometimes when I organize a closet or cupboard I stand there and just look at it.
-Most of the time I feel like I was born in the wrong generation.
-My favorite flowers are Daisies.
-I analyze my face in a 12 times magnifying mirror every night before I go to bed(Not recommended)
-I say 'Hey' instead of 'Eh'
On a different note referring to the coffee statement....I have truly come to appreciate that first cup of coffee in the morning....when I come down stairs and no one is awake and I sit in the quiet pondering the day, and life and other stuff. I do love to chat in the morning but my soul loves that part of the day where me, myself and I sit together and formulate our(meaning my because I do not have more than one person living in me)plan for the day.....I guess the point to this little paragraph was just to say....find your little moment....that 5 minutes or whatever it is when you take the time to just be with you....it matters.....and you're worth it.
Happy Thursday all!
In case you didn't know this, I am profoundly smart....like genius smart....like for sure way smarter than any of my friends....this statement would come as no surprise to them as they all concure(see how I threw a 'smart' word in there) and everyone agrees that I should have been a therapist thus my trademarked comment "Pay me like I'm licensed." <-----(Not to be used out of context)
In an effort to perk up the foul mood I'm in....here are a few things about me that I betcha didn't know....
-Green skittles taste like the smell of stink bugs to me.
-I have an ice crunching habit.
-When I get stress out I twist my hair.
-I clean my ears obsessively.
-When I want to stop my self from crying I pinch my ear.
-I talk out loud to myself(a sign of genius.....just saying...an additional key note here would be that the author of a yet-to-be published book called 'Smart Plan' also talks to himself....food for thought there.
-I still hate feet....with a passion.
-I wrap my fingers around my wrist at least 5 times a day.
-I'm a little obsessed with the labels on things in my pantry.
-Coffee is quite possibly my very favorite thing on the planet.
-Dancing always makes me feel better.
-The smell of Nina Apple perfume makes me smile no matter what (like literally smile)
-My bucket list has 33 things on it.
-I burn candles every single day almost....even in the summer.
-I hate scrambled eggs.
-Sometimes I use his razor just to make him mad.
-I hide money and then forget where I put it.
-I write something almost every day.
-I loathe liver.
-I've thrown up on a carnival ride.
-I love scary movies.
-I chew the inside of my lip when I'm anxious.
-When I'm laying in bed at night, if I can't fall asleep, I tap my feet against the bed until I fall asleep.
-I love coupons.
-My feet aren't ticklish.
-When I was seven I flipped over a stairs banister and cracked open my chin.
-I love the feeling of sneezing.
-I adore the Little House on the Prairie Series.
-I love walking alone in the dark.
-I hum when I'm in pain.
-I'm a very chatty person in the morning and the fact that other people aren't is very fascinating to me.
-I hate the circus.
-I'm a word-a-holic....I love quotes and profound sayings.
-Sometimes when I organize a closet or cupboard I stand there and just look at it.
-Most of the time I feel like I was born in the wrong generation.
-My favorite flowers are Daisies.
-I analyze my face in a 12 times magnifying mirror every night before I go to bed(Not recommended)
-I say 'Hey' instead of 'Eh'
On a different note referring to the coffee statement....I have truly come to appreciate that first cup of coffee in the morning....when I come down stairs and no one is awake and I sit in the quiet pondering the day, and life and other stuff. I do love to chat in the morning but my soul loves that part of the day where me, myself and I sit together and formulate our(meaning my because I do not have more than one person living in me)plan for the day.....I guess the point to this little paragraph was just to say....find your little moment....that 5 minutes or whatever it is when you take the time to just be with you....it matters.....and you're worth it.
Happy Thursday all!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
It's a new year full of new hope.....hopefully...:)
I sat down in front of my laptop this morning and my fingertips rested on the keys without movement for at least 10 minutes...occasionally I would clasp my hands in my lap and wrench my fingers and then place them on the keys again waiting for the words to come....and then I walked away for a bit because nothing came.
365 days, 8760 hours, 525,600 minutes, 31,536,000 seconds that are gone. Last year was tough but this year....phew....I'd take one hundred last years over this year. Even just writing what I've written so far has huge tears streaming down my face....geeeesh....I have to come back to this.
I'm sure that my posts often relay as a complete downer sometimes but I feel like a blog is meant for you to share where you're really at with your life....the good and bad and everything in between.
I remember writing my blog last year, almost giddy at the end of the year, never so thankful to say goodbye to those 365 days. If only I had known. This year tested me on every level imaginable in more ways than I ever anticipated.
There were days when taking my own advice of keeping my eyes on the sky was completely impossible....I wanted nothing more than sit in my closet and cry for days.
I used to think that I knew where I was going....and now....now it seems I'm waiting.....waiting for a sign....waiting for the something that happens that tells me what direction to go. I feel like there isn't any point in publishing this if it's filled with fluff when that isn't real. Sometimes we don't say out loud where we're really at because we know people will judge us but what I've learned is that no matter how you're living your life....someone is always judging and I guess at the end of the day....it just is what it is....judge me or don't....it doesn't really matter. I also have to acknowledge that there is huge fear in saying it out loud because when you do that, you have accept that you yourself, know where you're at and as Dr. Phil says "When you know better, you do better." All that to say, I wouldn't be being honest if I didn't say how I really feel, however let's keep in mind that it's okay for it to be a toned down version of how I feel because no one needs the full version of truth here.
There have been more days than not when I wanted to run to that familiar place where I felt like I could just breath and be and where for a few perfect moments my life would fade away. To that one place where the gentle comfort offered to me reminded me that I was still someone. There have been more days than not when I have wondered where I'd be right now if I had turned left instead of right. I have gone to the same places I visited before, just to feel the smile cross my face in the remembering of parts of my life that didn't feel quite so hard. I have listened to the songs that take me somewhere else, so that I can feel those old feelings again because all of these feelings hurt too much. I float back and forth between feeling like the strongest person in the world to feeling like the weakest. I spend hours wondering how people really get past big big hurts....how do you do it? I'm sure that Linda( an amazing woman and everyone's much loved Therapist) would say that it's all in the choosing....how do you frickin choose it though??....am I too stubborn to choose it or too weak to choose it??
In so many ways this has felt like the longest year of my life and yet somehow it's shocking to me that this year has come and gone. I'm realistic enough to know that the first half of this next year is going to be hard....emotionally hard....but I have faith that somewhere in there, God will open my eyes to the things that I need to learn about myself, and the courage that I need to take away from this one way or the other so that I can move forward. Life should be a constant evolution of change and growth and if you aren't changing or growing then you aren't truly living....how many times I remind myself of this.
Sometimes you see the path in front of you, so perfectly laid out, just simply waiting for you to walk it....maybe that path is the design for my life....but I also know that moving in a different direction is another path where the road is not so plainly in sight, where the unknowns are mine to explore....and that path is terrifying but if there is one thing that I know....one tiny little thing....it is that through all of life's changes I will still keep breathing and a new day will always come.
I wish that blogging a New Year's Resolution would help it hold so much more conviction but I know myself well enough to know that 6 days from now I may totally be bitching about announcing my resolution out loud because it's too hard to keep....soooo.....this isn't a resolution. These are a few of the little things that I have learned.
1. Words are just words if there is no action with them.
2. I believe the best in people even when they have shown me the worst.
3. There are genuinely kind people in the world who don't want anything from you.
4. Clearly a person never runs out of tears.
5. A lot of the stuff you think matters.....really doesn't.
6. I should always listen to that little something that tells me that I know better.
7. I'm okay being the boss of myself.
8. Thinking about Karma makes me smile.
9. Being who you really are isn't that hard, especially if you're okay with the fact that not everyone will like you....and I'm okay with that.
10.I never want to be responsible for changing the mental and emotional make up of another person in a negative way....perhaps that's why I am often more gentle with my words than they deserve.
11. I have far more appreciation for the all the people in my life who loved me without telling me what to do.
12. Just because you make a plan doesn't make it so.
13. Honesty really is the best policy.
14. Someone can only take your power if you let them.
15. Having faith in something that you can't see is brutally hard some days but there were days where that was the only thing that got me through.
16. My purpose in life does not lie solely in being the everything to one person.
I could go on but I think I'll save some things for a profoundly insightful post in the future. This post seems to hold no great wisdom or intention....it's just simply where I'm at and reading it back it does sound kind of depressing but I'm not depressed. Unsettled a little and restless a lot but not depressed.
It's hard for me right now to go into the New Year with a rah rah sis boom bah attitude but I am trying to spark a slight sense of optimism that change is good and I can handle every day that comes my way no matter how hard it is.
For my family and friends I wish nothing but happiness, contentment and abundant blessings this year. May you laugh more, cry less, dream bigger, and love stronger and may you always find joy in the simplest of things.
365 days, 8760 hours, 525,600 minutes, 31,536,000 seconds that are gone. Last year was tough but this year....phew....I'd take one hundred last years over this year. Even just writing what I've written so far has huge tears streaming down my face....geeeesh....I have to come back to this.
I'm sure that my posts often relay as a complete downer sometimes but I feel like a blog is meant for you to share where you're really at with your life....the good and bad and everything in between.
I remember writing my blog last year, almost giddy at the end of the year, never so thankful to say goodbye to those 365 days. If only I had known. This year tested me on every level imaginable in more ways than I ever anticipated.
There were days when taking my own advice of keeping my eyes on the sky was completely impossible....I wanted nothing more than sit in my closet and cry for days.
I used to think that I knew where I was going....and now....now it seems I'm waiting.....waiting for a sign....waiting for the something that happens that tells me what direction to go. I feel like there isn't any point in publishing this if it's filled with fluff when that isn't real. Sometimes we don't say out loud where we're really at because we know people will judge us but what I've learned is that no matter how you're living your life....someone is always judging and I guess at the end of the day....it just is what it is....judge me or don't....it doesn't really matter. I also have to acknowledge that there is huge fear in saying it out loud because when you do that, you have accept that you yourself, know where you're at and as Dr. Phil says "When you know better, you do better." All that to say, I wouldn't be being honest if I didn't say how I really feel, however let's keep in mind that it's okay for it to be a toned down version of how I feel because no one needs the full version of truth here.
There have been more days than not when I wanted to run to that familiar place where I felt like I could just breath and be and where for a few perfect moments my life would fade away. To that one place where the gentle comfort offered to me reminded me that I was still someone. There have been more days than not when I have wondered where I'd be right now if I had turned left instead of right. I have gone to the same places I visited before, just to feel the smile cross my face in the remembering of parts of my life that didn't feel quite so hard. I have listened to the songs that take me somewhere else, so that I can feel those old feelings again because all of these feelings hurt too much. I float back and forth between feeling like the strongest person in the world to feeling like the weakest. I spend hours wondering how people really get past big big hurts....how do you do it? I'm sure that Linda( an amazing woman and everyone's much loved Therapist) would say that it's all in the choosing....how do you frickin choose it though??....am I too stubborn to choose it or too weak to choose it??
In so many ways this has felt like the longest year of my life and yet somehow it's shocking to me that this year has come and gone. I'm realistic enough to know that the first half of this next year is going to be hard....emotionally hard....but I have faith that somewhere in there, God will open my eyes to the things that I need to learn about myself, and the courage that I need to take away from this one way or the other so that I can move forward. Life should be a constant evolution of change and growth and if you aren't changing or growing then you aren't truly living....how many times I remind myself of this.
Sometimes you see the path in front of you, so perfectly laid out, just simply waiting for you to walk it....maybe that path is the design for my life....but I also know that moving in a different direction is another path where the road is not so plainly in sight, where the unknowns are mine to explore....and that path is terrifying but if there is one thing that I know....one tiny little thing....it is that through all of life's changes I will still keep breathing and a new day will always come.
I wish that blogging a New Year's Resolution would help it hold so much more conviction but I know myself well enough to know that 6 days from now I may totally be bitching about announcing my resolution out loud because it's too hard to keep....soooo.....this isn't a resolution. These are a few of the little things that I have learned.
1. Words are just words if there is no action with them.
2. I believe the best in people even when they have shown me the worst.
3. There are genuinely kind people in the world who don't want anything from you.
4. Clearly a person never runs out of tears.
5. A lot of the stuff you think matters.....really doesn't.
6. I should always listen to that little something that tells me that I know better.
7. I'm okay being the boss of myself.
8. Thinking about Karma makes me smile.
9. Being who you really are isn't that hard, especially if you're okay with the fact that not everyone will like you....and I'm okay with that.
10.I never want to be responsible for changing the mental and emotional make up of another person in a negative way....perhaps that's why I am often more gentle with my words than they deserve.
11. I have far more appreciation for the all the people in my life who loved me without telling me what to do.
12. Just because you make a plan doesn't make it so.
13. Honesty really is the best policy.
14. Someone can only take your power if you let them.
15. Having faith in something that you can't see is brutally hard some days but there were days where that was the only thing that got me through.
16. My purpose in life does not lie solely in being the everything to one person.
I could go on but I think I'll save some things for a profoundly insightful post in the future. This post seems to hold no great wisdom or intention....it's just simply where I'm at and reading it back it does sound kind of depressing but I'm not depressed. Unsettled a little and restless a lot but not depressed.
It's hard for me right now to go into the New Year with a rah rah sis boom bah attitude but I am trying to spark a slight sense of optimism that change is good and I can handle every day that comes my way no matter how hard it is.
For my family and friends I wish nothing but happiness, contentment and abundant blessings this year. May you laugh more, cry less, dream bigger, and love stronger and may you always find joy in the simplest of things.
Friday, July 30, 2010
The Best Parts of She......
Quicky Disclaimer: This one is really loooooooong and quite possibly a little ramblish (not a word...I know) but this is my little piece of self therapy....8)
She is lost, she tells herself that she is weak, and fragile and vulnerable. She sometimes insists that she is incapable of making big decisions all on her own. She convinces herself that majority rules is the best policy, perhaps so that she doesn’t have to take responsibility for her choices. She makes herself believe in things that couldn’t be true because sometimes it feels easier to believe a lie than to walk through the truth. She takes all the blame and holds accountability for too many things…..she shreds her own personal growth to lift ownership from other people. She is much too hard on herself sometimes….and sadly there are times when she looks at her own reflection with such disappointment…….as her eyes lean in closer to that girl in the mirror and whisper to her that she is a failure. She is angry….mostly at herself for not seeing all the things that seemed to be so clearly pointing in one direction. She’s loathes that she found herself in a place that she had vowed to never ever walk. She feels like a failure in mothering her children as she walked through the short period of her life where she unintentionally checked out of theirs. The rain storm in her own life was drowning her and she failed to see that perhaps they were feeling the rain just as much. She has cried as she felt the breaking happen and she has screamed out to God as she felt the sharp sting of her reality. She is bitter and jaded…unjustly sitting in this place where none of her own actions have earned her this seat. In her mind she dreams about slipping into the driver’s seat, driving away into the darkness and never coming back…..
BUT THAT WAS THEN....AND THIS IS NOW....
She is strong….and she knows it. She is wise….wise enough to make decisions all by herself without the weight of others having bearing on her choices. She is forgiving….and perhaps some would say that she forgives more than she should….but still she does. She has faith….in God…and in those who she forgives. She forgives when they haven’t earned it….in the hopes that they will show her that they deserve it. She stands firm in the accountability to which she has to take ownership of….and nothing more. She does not carry other people’s choices or consequences as her own. She sees things clearly for what they were and what they are. She acknowledges that not everyone will appreciate her approach but still she smiles while she draws her line in the sand and stands behind it. She feels confident in speaking out loud her own truth with full realization that she can’t control other people’s response to it. She is nicer than she should be sometimes…and knows that many times she offers a smile instead of a smack because at the end of the day kindness really does matter. Her heart is stronger than she dreamed it ever was and her spirit, though still nursing some tender wounds, will not be broken. She is witty and funny and smart. She has walked with more grace than she herself would have ever believed she was capable of, and though clueless at times, she is not oblivious. She is confident and patient and proud of herself. She sits proud of how far she has come over these passing days. All those months ago, when it felt as though every fiber of her being was shattering into a thousand pieces of broken glass…..and now here she sits….a mosaic in progress….not the same as the original piece, this is true….but being recreated into something new ….something that is so much more, and even she doesn’t know what the completed piece will look like, but she is certain….beyond certain that it will be amazing…as with all mosaics, it is sometimes in the flaws that you see the perfectly intricate design that makes it that much more beautiful. She understands now what it means to surrender to the things that you can not control. Inside she smiles in the knowing that it really is in the valleys that you grow. There are no walls of resistance built up around her like a fortress to keep her safe. She is optimistic and is able to realize that all things will go the way they are intended to go and that she has no control over that. She sees the something in the eyes of her reflection again….that little something that seemed to have dimmed and gone away for so many months….but has now returned….for a time it felt as though her wings had been clipped…confining her to this place and keeping all of her hopes and dreams far beyond her reach but now she feels the growth of her wings again. So timidly and slowly opening…certainly not fearless in the endeavor to take flight but someday……someday she knows they will be.... She clings to that tiny sliver of resilience that tells her that in the end no matter the road or the twists and turns along the way…that girl….this girl….is going to be just fine. After all this time…..she sees that she is a complete person all on her own….no one makes her who she is and nothing defines her…..no one is capable of building her to completeness or tearing her to rumble…..all she is and all she will be….is achieved by her and her alone. She closes her eyes at night with the awareness that tomorrow will come and she will do what she can just for that day..…and then she will do it again…and again….and again…She realizes now what took so long to understand….when you want to stop breathing….still you breathe….when you want to close your eyes and not wake up….still you rise and when the only thing you want to do is cry…still somewhere inside you…some part of you smiles…and in that tiny little smile buried somewhere in the crevices of your spirit…you see the glimmer of hope that reminds you that you never stay in the same place forever and that this moment like all before it will pass…..
Thank you to everyone who has loved us and prayed for us while we have been walking in the valley. This valley seems so long sometimes, but there is growth to be had and so we will keep moving forward in the hopes that we will rise up out of the valley one day, stronger and better than we were before.
“A bird does not sing because it has the answer, a bird sings because it has a song.”
She is lost, she tells herself that she is weak, and fragile and vulnerable. She sometimes insists that she is incapable of making big decisions all on her own. She convinces herself that majority rules is the best policy, perhaps so that she doesn’t have to take responsibility for her choices. She makes herself believe in things that couldn’t be true because sometimes it feels easier to believe a lie than to walk through the truth. She takes all the blame and holds accountability for too many things…..she shreds her own personal growth to lift ownership from other people. She is much too hard on herself sometimes….and sadly there are times when she looks at her own reflection with such disappointment…….as her eyes lean in closer to that girl in the mirror and whisper to her that she is a failure. She is angry….mostly at herself for not seeing all the things that seemed to be so clearly pointing in one direction. She’s loathes that she found herself in a place that she had vowed to never ever walk. She feels like a failure in mothering her children as she walked through the short period of her life where she unintentionally checked out of theirs. The rain storm in her own life was drowning her and she failed to see that perhaps they were feeling the rain just as much. She has cried as she felt the breaking happen and she has screamed out to God as she felt the sharp sting of her reality. She is bitter and jaded…unjustly sitting in this place where none of her own actions have earned her this seat. In her mind she dreams about slipping into the driver’s seat, driving away into the darkness and never coming back…..
BUT THAT WAS THEN....AND THIS IS NOW....
She is strong….and she knows it. She is wise….wise enough to make decisions all by herself without the weight of others having bearing on her choices. She is forgiving….and perhaps some would say that she forgives more than she should….but still she does. She has faith….in God…and in those who she forgives. She forgives when they haven’t earned it….in the hopes that they will show her that they deserve it. She stands firm in the accountability to which she has to take ownership of….and nothing more. She does not carry other people’s choices or consequences as her own. She sees things clearly for what they were and what they are. She acknowledges that not everyone will appreciate her approach but still she smiles while she draws her line in the sand and stands behind it. She feels confident in speaking out loud her own truth with full realization that she can’t control other people’s response to it. She is nicer than she should be sometimes…and knows that many times she offers a smile instead of a smack because at the end of the day kindness really does matter. Her heart is stronger than she dreamed it ever was and her spirit, though still nursing some tender wounds, will not be broken. She is witty and funny and smart. She has walked with more grace than she herself would have ever believed she was capable of, and though clueless at times, she is not oblivious. She is confident and patient and proud of herself. She sits proud of how far she has come over these passing days. All those months ago, when it felt as though every fiber of her being was shattering into a thousand pieces of broken glass…..and now here she sits….a mosaic in progress….not the same as the original piece, this is true….but being recreated into something new ….something that is so much more, and even she doesn’t know what the completed piece will look like, but she is certain….beyond certain that it will be amazing…as with all mosaics, it is sometimes in the flaws that you see the perfectly intricate design that makes it that much more beautiful. She understands now what it means to surrender to the things that you can not control. Inside she smiles in the knowing that it really is in the valleys that you grow. There are no walls of resistance built up around her like a fortress to keep her safe. She is optimistic and is able to realize that all things will go the way they are intended to go and that she has no control over that. She sees the something in the eyes of her reflection again….that little something that seemed to have dimmed and gone away for so many months….but has now returned….for a time it felt as though her wings had been clipped…confining her to this place and keeping all of her hopes and dreams far beyond her reach but now she feels the growth of her wings again. So timidly and slowly opening…certainly not fearless in the endeavor to take flight but someday……someday she knows they will be.... She clings to that tiny sliver of resilience that tells her that in the end no matter the road or the twists and turns along the way…that girl….this girl….is going to be just fine. After all this time…..she sees that she is a complete person all on her own….no one makes her who she is and nothing defines her…..no one is capable of building her to completeness or tearing her to rumble…..all she is and all she will be….is achieved by her and her alone. She closes her eyes at night with the awareness that tomorrow will come and she will do what she can just for that day..…and then she will do it again…and again….and again…She realizes now what took so long to understand….when you want to stop breathing….still you breathe….when you want to close your eyes and not wake up….still you rise and when the only thing you want to do is cry…still somewhere inside you…some part of you smiles…and in that tiny little smile buried somewhere in the crevices of your spirit…you see the glimmer of hope that reminds you that you never stay in the same place forever and that this moment like all before it will pass…..
Thank you to everyone who has loved us and prayed for us while we have been walking in the valley. This valley seems so long sometimes, but there is growth to be had and so we will keep moving forward in the hopes that we will rise up out of the valley one day, stronger and better than we were before.
“A bird does not sing because it has the answer, a bird sings because it has a song.”
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Why are they calling me mother??
Okay soooo.....you know it's bad when you feel like you love your dog more than you love your own children....I know....in the distance I can hear the *gasp* coming from some of my family members....I'm sorry for this brief moment of weakness....
It's just been one of those weeks....my angel faced daughter is soooo hormonal that I feel my head getting hazy when I think of her at 16...she's loud and dramatic and we seem to be swinging between hugging her while she sobs but doesn't know why to her acting like the golden child...I'm tired......the 14 year old...yikes....his attitude these days makes me wish we had spanked them when they were younger so that I could even attempt to get away with it now....he acts like I have two heads sometimes and sadly...I'll admit that he probably is technically smarter than me, which makes it difficult to pull off actual, factual reasons for saying no to some of his requests...thus the reason why I always have to throw out the phrase that therapists every where will hate me for when it's plastered on T-shirts..."The best part of being the mother, is that I have all the power!"...I know...hate me.... and my peach...my 17 year old...uhmmm....I'm tired......sometimes I block them out and slip back in my mind...searching desperately for that tiny little crevice of forgotten memories that I save to facilitate reclaiming my sanity on days or weeks like this.....going backwards in my mind to the place where I am 16 and the biggest worry was what to wear to the designated house party that weekend....*sigh*...I linger there....I can feel my breathing relax, my heart rate slows.....*ahhhhhhh*...life was simple then......and then....it's over...I get smacked back into reality when I can hear someone calling me...for a few seconds while still lost in my alternate universe I wonder why I can hear people calling me mom...and then I remember...I am the mother....
I do love them.....oh so much....but sometimes I wanna be the one to run away from home....
Additionally, as I've said a thousand times....trying to take pictures of the kids is a complete gong show....Logan thinks it's hilarious...then Mara decides he's getting to much attention and starts and then Colby gives decides to get in the action and 30 minutes later we are lucky if one half decent picture emerges....seriously??? How funny can it be 18 pictures later?? Case in point below...in case you're interested.
In other news I'm super dee duper excited because tomorrow and Friday I get to go into someone else's house and organize...and get paid for it to boot!! How fun is that?? Well maybe not to other people but to me.....yep...tonight when I go to bed it will be like I'm going to Disneyland tomorrow and I'll be too excited to sleep....lol....sad I know....that is the Obsessive Compulsive/Addictive Personality Disorder talking....
Reading this back....k it is kind of just a random rambling but I figured that I would write something a little lighter and somewhat un-depressing.....next weeks blog is all "Woman power, sis boom bah, rah rah me" so I decided to insert this one for fun.
Happy Wednesday all!(Two days down, still two to go....bleh)
PS...k I am dying laughing right now because Mara is sitting across from me and Logan walks up to her to help on the computer and I hear her whisper..."Uhmmm I feel like I'm choking...I just breathed in your arm pit stink except it went in through my mouth." to Logan.....ahhhh.....can't ya just feel the love?
It's just been one of those weeks....my angel faced daughter is soooo hormonal that I feel my head getting hazy when I think of her at 16...she's loud and dramatic and we seem to be swinging between hugging her while she sobs but doesn't know why to her acting like the golden child...I'm tired......the 14 year old...yikes....his attitude these days makes me wish we had spanked them when they were younger so that I could even attempt to get away with it now....he acts like I have two heads sometimes and sadly...I'll admit that he probably is technically smarter than me, which makes it difficult to pull off actual, factual reasons for saying no to some of his requests...thus the reason why I always have to throw out the phrase that therapists every where will hate me for when it's plastered on T-shirts..."The best part of being the mother, is that I have all the power!"...I know...hate me.... and my peach...my 17 year old...uhmmm....I'm tired......sometimes I block them out and slip back in my mind...searching desperately for that tiny little crevice of forgotten memories that I save to facilitate reclaiming my sanity on days or weeks like this.....going backwards in my mind to the place where I am 16 and the biggest worry was what to wear to the designated house party that weekend....*sigh*...I linger there....I can feel my breathing relax, my heart rate slows.....*ahhhhhhh*...life was simple then......and then....it's over...I get smacked back into reality when I can hear someone calling me...for a few seconds while still lost in my alternate universe I wonder why I can hear people calling me mom...and then I remember...I am the mother....
I do love them.....oh so much....but sometimes I wanna be the one to run away from home....
Additionally, as I've said a thousand times....trying to take pictures of the kids is a complete gong show....Logan thinks it's hilarious...then Mara decides he's getting to much attention and starts and then Colby gives decides to get in the action and 30 minutes later we are lucky if one half decent picture emerges....seriously??? How funny can it be 18 pictures later?? Case in point below...in case you're interested.
In other news I'm super dee duper excited because tomorrow and Friday I get to go into someone else's house and organize...and get paid for it to boot!! How fun is that?? Well maybe not to other people but to me.....yep...tonight when I go to bed it will be like I'm going to Disneyland tomorrow and I'll be too excited to sleep....lol....sad I know....that is the Obsessive Compulsive/Addictive Personality Disorder talking....
Reading this back....k it is kind of just a random rambling but I figured that I would write something a little lighter and somewhat un-depressing.....next weeks blog is all "Woman power, sis boom bah, rah rah me" so I decided to insert this one for fun.
Happy Wednesday all!(Two days down, still two to go....bleh)
PS...k I am dying laughing right now because Mara is sitting across from me and Logan walks up to her to help on the computer and I hear her whisper..."Uhmmm I feel like I'm choking...I just breathed in your arm pit stink except it went in through my mouth." to Logan.....ahhhh.....can't ya just feel the love?
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Sometimes it's the little things....
Uhmmm Quicky Disclaimer: So you might want to grab a coffee and some light snacks...this one is like a little novel....clearly I have a lot to say these days.....
When I look back on my life...all the milestones, the ups, the downs, and all the in betweens, I realize now that it's all the little things that have added up to be something really big in the scope of my life. Sometimes I think that unintentionally we take for granted what we have, who we have and where we are in life...but sometimes God has a different plan that brings you to your knees and gives you a moment to ponder where the real value is in life....for so many months now I feel like I have done a long inventory of myself, my role in my family, and especially my relationship with her...that girl that looks back at me in the mirror. A couple of months ago I remember looking at her and seeing someone so lost and so fragile...someone trapped in the confusion of her life and second guessing everything about herself. But now....now she is different....I am different. I'm strong and wise and creative and forgiving and confident. I truly have grown into someone that I always wanted to be....it just took hard things to get me there. I have learned a ton....really learned...I always try to pass life lessons on to my kids but certainly there were times when the conviction that I held in those lessons was perhaps less than what I was trying to convey to them. I definitely know that the things I have learned will make me better and while I can say that I never would have chosen this road in which to learn all of these lessons on, I do know that going through hard things really does make you better.
New things I learned and old things that I needed to be reminded of:
God's always listening but you can't pick and choose what his answer will be.
It doesn't matter where you are going in life, it matters who is with you.
Children see the best in you even when you see the worst in yourself.
It's all about quality of life and not quantity of life.
People who work to live are way smarter than the people who live to work.
Crying is okay.
Never take the people in your life for granted.
It's okay to say enough is enough and mean it.
Listen to your children, they have a lot to say and they are pretty smart too.
Do what you love even if other people don't love it as much as you do.
Be thankful and say thank you to the people that have walked beside you, especially through the stormy parts of life.
Not everyone thinks your crazy.
Seeing the sunshine in your life is by your own choosing.
That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Be who you are and know that there is someone out there who thinks that you are amazing.
Money makes life easier but it shouldn't be what makes life better.
Being a constant work in progress is a good thing.
Choose everyday to do one thing different.
Sometimes I'm a little clueless but when you are super cute, you can totally pull it off.
Make sure the people you love, know it.
This girl is worth the work and the effort.
Fight for something if you really think it's worth it.
Say no if you need to but be prepared to walk all the way through it.
With big love, there are big hurts.
When you show people who you really are at the heart of it, there will be people who leave it but the people that matter and think that you matter, will take it...all of it.
Every day is a gift, cherish it, use it, live it.
I'm so much stronger than I ever thought I was.
Sometimes people hurt you but it doesn't mean that they don't love you.
All roads, even the bumpy ones, lead you somewhere.
I'd rather MAKE a situation right than BE right.
Walking through things sometimes means a person's feelings will get hurt but that's okay.
It's okay to have a pool of people to draw advice from but it's also okay to listen to myself.
It's okay to have an equal relationship where neither person holds the power.
The best memories were created without money or going anywhere.
That giving your whole heart to someone is really scary but totally worth it.
If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.
When you know better, you do better.
A few months ago I would have said that I had stepped backwards 10 years in the personal growth department, that I am no where near as strong as I thought I was but here I sit all these months later knowing different. I am strong, stronger than I could have imagined I was. Even though there are days when I still feel like I'm walking in the rain, that rain storm in my mind feels different now than it did all those months ago. I can sit here now after all this time, knowing that I'm okay and that I'll be okay....so far from perfect with so much work to do I always say....but when I look at her now...her reflection stares back at me with so much more in her eyes...and I see her for who she is now...capable and beautiful, and so intricately designed. Still timid in some ways but so confident in others. More forgiving than she used to be, and more compassionate too. She sees the other side of the equation clearly now, and finds understanding and grace in that. This journey isn't over and no one knows where it will lead but it doesn't matter....I'll take the rain as it comes....because I know now what happens in the rain.
Walking in the Rain
Some days life just simply feels,
As though you’re walking in the rain,
And trying to escape the downpour,
Often seems to be in vain.
But sometimes if you let yourself,
Feel the damp upon your skin,
You find yourself surrendering,
When the storm starts rolling in.
You let the rain cascade down,
As it soaks you to the bone,
Your tears mingle with the droplets,
And you see how much you’ve grown.
In the days of stormy weather,
You find serenity in this place,
Where you truly look beyond yourself,
To find the wisdom and the grace.
You take comfort in the knowing,
That the rain will always pass,
And in the promise of perfection,
In the sky draped arc of colored glass.
You’ll smile now because you understand,
Sometimes rainbows take so long,
But if you pay attention in the storm you'll see,
That it's in the rain where you grow strong.
Written by me...
Happy Tuesday all.
When I look back on my life...all the milestones, the ups, the downs, and all the in betweens, I realize now that it's all the little things that have added up to be something really big in the scope of my life. Sometimes I think that unintentionally we take for granted what we have, who we have and where we are in life...but sometimes God has a different plan that brings you to your knees and gives you a moment to ponder where the real value is in life....for so many months now I feel like I have done a long inventory of myself, my role in my family, and especially my relationship with her...that girl that looks back at me in the mirror. A couple of months ago I remember looking at her and seeing someone so lost and so fragile...someone trapped in the confusion of her life and second guessing everything about herself. But now....now she is different....I am different. I'm strong and wise and creative and forgiving and confident. I truly have grown into someone that I always wanted to be....it just took hard things to get me there. I have learned a ton....really learned...I always try to pass life lessons on to my kids but certainly there were times when the conviction that I held in those lessons was perhaps less than what I was trying to convey to them. I definitely know that the things I have learned will make me better and while I can say that I never would have chosen this road in which to learn all of these lessons on, I do know that going through hard things really does make you better.
New things I learned and old things that I needed to be reminded of:
God's always listening but you can't pick and choose what his answer will be.
It doesn't matter where you are going in life, it matters who is with you.
Children see the best in you even when you see the worst in yourself.
It's all about quality of life and not quantity of life.
People who work to live are way smarter than the people who live to work.
Crying is okay.
Never take the people in your life for granted.
It's okay to say enough is enough and mean it.
Listen to your children, they have a lot to say and they are pretty smart too.
Do what you love even if other people don't love it as much as you do.
Be thankful and say thank you to the people that have walked beside you, especially through the stormy parts of life.
Not everyone thinks your crazy.
Seeing the sunshine in your life is by your own choosing.
That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Be who you are and know that there is someone out there who thinks that you are amazing.
Money makes life easier but it shouldn't be what makes life better.
Being a constant work in progress is a good thing.
Choose everyday to do one thing different.
Sometimes I'm a little clueless but when you are super cute, you can totally pull it off.
Make sure the people you love, know it.
This girl is worth the work and the effort.
Fight for something if you really think it's worth it.
Say no if you need to but be prepared to walk all the way through it.
With big love, there are big hurts.
When you show people who you really are at the heart of it, there will be people who leave it but the people that matter and think that you matter, will take it...all of it.
Every day is a gift, cherish it, use it, live it.
I'm so much stronger than I ever thought I was.
Sometimes people hurt you but it doesn't mean that they don't love you.
All roads, even the bumpy ones, lead you somewhere.
I'd rather MAKE a situation right than BE right.
Walking through things sometimes means a person's feelings will get hurt but that's okay.
It's okay to have a pool of people to draw advice from but it's also okay to listen to myself.
It's okay to have an equal relationship where neither person holds the power.
The best memories were created without money or going anywhere.
That giving your whole heart to someone is really scary but totally worth it.
If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.
When you know better, you do better.
A few months ago I would have said that I had stepped backwards 10 years in the personal growth department, that I am no where near as strong as I thought I was but here I sit all these months later knowing different. I am strong, stronger than I could have imagined I was. Even though there are days when I still feel like I'm walking in the rain, that rain storm in my mind feels different now than it did all those months ago. I can sit here now after all this time, knowing that I'm okay and that I'll be okay....so far from perfect with so much work to do I always say....but when I look at her now...her reflection stares back at me with so much more in her eyes...and I see her for who she is now...capable and beautiful, and so intricately designed. Still timid in some ways but so confident in others. More forgiving than she used to be, and more compassionate too. She sees the other side of the equation clearly now, and finds understanding and grace in that. This journey isn't over and no one knows where it will lead but it doesn't matter....I'll take the rain as it comes....because I know now what happens in the rain.
Walking in the Rain
Some days life just simply feels,
As though you’re walking in the rain,
And trying to escape the downpour,
Often seems to be in vain.
But sometimes if you let yourself,
Feel the damp upon your skin,
You find yourself surrendering,
When the storm starts rolling in.
You let the rain cascade down,
As it soaks you to the bone,
Your tears mingle with the droplets,
And you see how much you’ve grown.
In the days of stormy weather,
You find serenity in this place,
Where you truly look beyond yourself,
To find the wisdom and the grace.
You take comfort in the knowing,
That the rain will always pass,
And in the promise of perfection,
In the sky draped arc of colored glass.
You’ll smile now because you understand,
Sometimes rainbows take so long,
But if you pay attention in the storm you'll see,
That it's in the rain where you grow strong.
Written by me...
Happy Tuesday all.
Monday, May 24, 2010
The Best Kind of People
I have to say that this weekend was probably the most fun that I have had in months. It was three days of stepping away from what feels like never ending chaos in my life to just be me and there was huge freedom in that. This weekend also gave me a little bit of renewed faith in people. Sometimes it feels like you spend so much time walking through life and interacting with people who are never really showing you their true character. People who are glossing their real person over with someone fake and external for show or approval...but occasionally...rarely these days it seems you come across people who just are who they are...and I love that. They don't sit in judgment of you or eye you up and down picking you apart in their minds and cataloging all of your flaws...they just welcome you in. This weekend I met people like that. The group of them have been life long friends, the best of friends. They all live in the same neighborhood and have gone through all stages of life having each others backs. They know each others secrets and skeletons. They have pet names for each other and watching them, I felt like I was watching family interact with each other, even though they aren't related.
I was nervous arriving to their house...invading their little group but within such a short of time, I felt like I had known them forever. We sat and talked and listened to music and drank and danced and I truly had the best time. I guess maybe because I don't often mingle outside my circle of friends, perhaps my perception of people is jaded, but these people showed me something different...and that was refreshing. We didn't talk about jobs or how much money people made or fancy houses, though a certain young man did talk about fancy cars..8) There was no weighing and measuring of who is better, stronger, funnier, hotter, or smarter(well there kind of was and the majority ruled that I was indeed the smartest due to the fact that I can sing the 50 states in alphabetical order)...when I left their house in the wee hours of the morning I sighed...I was kind of sad to see the evening end.
All this to say....everyone needs people like that in their lives...people who make you feel like you have always been there, people who hug you goodbye at the end of the night even though you have only known them for a few hours, and people who make you wish that you had known them your whole life. People who don't care where you come from, what you have or where you've been and people who don't make you feel crazy because you have slight addictive personality disorder. Those kind of people are my kind of people.
I know this was kind of a bit of a ramble but I just had to share....if you know people like that in your life count yourself lucky, and if you aren't one of those people, then try to be...they truly are the best kind of people to have in your life.
I'm off to pull this place together...clearly the cleaning fairy did not get the memo that I was going to be out all weekend....bleh.
PS Good luck on your road test Robbie.
I was nervous arriving to their house...invading their little group but within such a short of time, I felt like I had known them forever. We sat and talked and listened to music and drank and danced and I truly had the best time. I guess maybe because I don't often mingle outside my circle of friends, perhaps my perception of people is jaded, but these people showed me something different...and that was refreshing. We didn't talk about jobs or how much money people made or fancy houses, though a certain young man did talk about fancy cars..8) There was no weighing and measuring of who is better, stronger, funnier, hotter, or smarter(well there kind of was and the majority ruled that I was indeed the smartest due to the fact that I can sing the 50 states in alphabetical order)...when I left their house in the wee hours of the morning I sighed...I was kind of sad to see the evening end.
All this to say....everyone needs people like that in their lives...people who make you feel like you have always been there, people who hug you goodbye at the end of the night even though you have only known them for a few hours, and people who make you wish that you had known them your whole life. People who don't care where you come from, what you have or where you've been and people who don't make you feel crazy because you have slight addictive personality disorder. Those kind of people are my kind of people.
I know this was kind of a bit of a ramble but I just had to share....if you know people like that in your life count yourself lucky, and if you aren't one of those people, then try to be...they truly are the best kind of people to have in your life.
I'm off to pull this place together...clearly the cleaning fairy did not get the memo that I was going to be out all weekend....bleh.
PS Good luck on your road test Robbie.
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