His Giving Heart

"What does it profit a man, to amass wealth but lose his soul?"

"It will be a cold winter and thousands of homeless remain each night without food and shelter, regardless of why they are out there, help if you can. Many families will not have massive expensive dinners or Christmas gift openings this holiday, not because they wouldn't like to but because they can't. I challenge everyone out there to do something remarkable for someone else this year, not because you must but only if you can. There is no greater gift then bringing joy to someone like a light in the darkness."

This is my son’s status update on Facebook. The day before he posted this, my 22 year old man-child called me and said “Momma, let’s do something for a stranger…it’s been on my mind a lot lately, can we?” I was all over it and the brainstorming began. There was not one ounce of anything even remotely negative that I could grab from doing this. I began rallying the troops. A friend jumped on board without hesitation. A bag lunch prepared for the homeless downtown was on the agenda. One little hiccup in the road....very quickly I was reminded that most of those homeless people don’t need to be homeless, most of them are drinkers and addicts and why would people waste their time? I honestly don’t know why I’m surprised by this attitude and sadly I had already started to prepare a rebuttle in my mind for just this kind of moment. After all it seems that there are far more jaded and cynical people in the world than hopeful, undaunted souls and sooooooo nonetheless…I had something to say.

We cry for babies that people throw away as if they are trash, yet stomp our feet in hatred when two gay men take an orphaned child as their own.
We question why we feel so alone in the world, but gossip about our own families.
We preach kindness and manners to our children but stab each other in the backs daily with our words and actions.
We shout at the top of our lungs that we’re Christians and then judge how far away someone stands from God and even worse, we stand in a superior position of insisting that their God is not as awesome as our God.
We convey over and over that love is the greatest gift that a person can possess, and then cast our eyes down on people who love the same sex.
We feel free to express our own creativity in whatever way we choose but assume that someone else must be troubled if they take their creativity too far by our standards.
We say we are thankful that we have people to do all the menial jobs we don’t have time for, but then whisper behind our hand “What a sad life, I mean he’s just a janitor.”
We drill into our sons that they are to be tough and strong and rigid and that boys don't cry and then wonder why men are disconnected and unable to be sensitive towards their wives.
We raise our daughters to think that they are to be treated like a princess, that they are owed that, and then wonder why they grow up with a sense of entitlement.
We waste time we can’t recover whispering behind someone’s back about how dysfunctional their marriage is and watch as our own marriages dissolve.
We say that the homeless situation is out of control but protest having “those” people in our neighborhoods.
We whine about wanting change in the world....but find every excuse as to why change will never happen...

I will admit, I was a little sad when it was conveyed to me, that there isn’t any point in doing this. It’s not like it’s going to change their life. They are going to keep doing what they are doing and this is possibly true. But here’s the honest truth...my truth that is..:) I’m not doing it for them so much as I’m doing it for myself. How selfish is that to admit? See I figure if I spend an afternoon downtown, I’ll be reminded of how much I have. I’ll be reminded of how warm my house is, albeit small, when I go inside after being out in the cold for a few hours. I’ll be reminded that I don’t ever have to hear my stomach growl, nor do I ever have to look into my kid’s eyes while they cry for food. When I crawl into bed beside the one who loves me through all the valleys, I’ll be reminded that I am never left to face the darkness alone. When I wake up on Christmas morning, I’ll be reminded that I truly want for nothing and when I go into work to do the job that some people classify as “just administrative tasks” I’ll be thankful that I can pay my own way through life. So yeah, I’m all about this lil trip downtown with my boy. If there happens to be one person who takes a buck from their own cup and throws it in someone else’s, well now….that’s just a bonus.
I refuse to reach a place where I become jaded like the rest. Gosh...life is hard enough, it plays the cruelest of jokes on you and forces you to make a choice, stand up over and over again after each punch or stay down and quit. The thing is, I can’t quit. I’m busy raising humans. I’m raising boys that will be men one day, dads one day and husbands one day. I’m raising a girl to be a mother and wife one day. I’m busy reminding them that kindness matters, give more than you take, you are no better or no worse than anyone else, holding onto anger makes you bitter, don’t let yourself get walked on and don’t trample on anyone else to get further ahead…. and this is your one life….make it count…..give it everything you’ve got and when you’ve got nothing left to give….dig deeper and find a little more.

So yeah….what my boy said….gosh I’m proud of that man. Over the top proud that he shares my attitude that it is not my job to judge why someone is where they are. At the end of the day sure as heck I’m gonna go ahead and give out sandwiches and bottles of water and I’m totally fine with being selfish in this case.

“You can’t save the world…but you can choose to give whatever you can, where ever you can, as often as you can.”

Imma have a teensy weensy rant in 4......3.....2......1

I'm going to rant a little. I hate ranting. Honestly I've sat on this for well over a week now. Trying to decide whether to ignore it, or say something, or direct this at specific people. My blog won. If there is one thing that my therapist taught me, it's that it's okay for me to hear my own voice above everyone else's. Any of the people who are involved in my life know that the last 3 years have been the hardest part of my life so far. I have battled internal demons that screamed at me throughout my life...convincing me that I was nothing more than trash, I have wrestled with the thoughts of getting in my car and driving away and I have lived off and on in the darkest place of self loathing, convincing myself that my marriage fell apart because I was not enough...or too much maybe.....because I was too fat, too emotional, too submissive, too passive, too sensitive, too domestic, too naive....that I was not worth him staying. I lived in a place of taking all of his incredibly selfish and destructive choices out of the equation and blamed myself. I watched every little bit of who I was fall away with the end of my marriage and for about 600 days I worried that I would never find her again. This loss was for me, was the closest thing to experiencing the death of a close family member....and I knew that for healing to come I had to grieve the loss of that. Therapy got me through that....obviously no one can save you but yourself but she helped me look at all things. I was able to own the parts that were mine to own and let everything else fall. I was able to give forgiveness to the person I trusted more than anyone. I was able to examine the parts of myself that needed growth and also praise the parts that made up a pretty awesome girl. Does this mean I'm completely over it?? Hell to the No! Some days are hard. It isn't about him though...it's about me now. The damage still lingers...I don't trust easily now, I assume you are a douche and I expect disappointment. How horrible is that?? The amount of days that I have cried to bestie and said things like "No one is going to be able to deal with what I bring now...I'm too much work." I knew I would be okay but I was scared for a long time that a life of being alone might be my life. Who would be willing to love this broken girl? This girl whose emotions feel too big for her heart to handle. This girl who was fragile in ways that never existed before and who would want to take all that on? So imagine my disappointment and sadness when I got this in my Facebook Inbox.

Your life seems to be moving in a positive direction but I question whether or not the necessity for your boyfriend to be so improper and inappropriate on your wall sets the best example. Mara is young. I'm sure the end of your marriage is hard for her. Does she need to see another man who isn't her dad post comments about her mother? Doesn't this set the tone for the men she will date? You are a wonderful woman who has gone through something incredibly difficult but posts like this lead others to an impression of you that simply isn't true.

I'm going to stop there....because it makes me more angry every time I read it. For information purposes 4 people have chosen to send me messages in an attempt to parent me via Facebook. This is my response. I'm gonna cry while I write it...I can already feel it...damn it!! This rant is going to be composed and processed I hope....but also serve as a gentle reminder that I don't really need people to mother me.

For the most part I've come to understand that we never ever really master life. It is a constant balance of throwing all the balls in the air and hoping you catch the ones that are important in the moment and dodging the others so as to avoid black eyes. For as much as I have healed and gained confidence some days just aren't good. I feel bad for my people on those days....especially my man person. The man has the endurance of an athlete....he has seen this girl cry more that one poor fella should have to endure in 10 short months and still he has never reacted in a way that was anything other than supportive. I'm sooooo beyond thankful for him. He has become a friend to me....my best friend really. There isn't anything I am too scared to tell him. He has risen to meet the challenges of loving someone who just doesn't trust easily. He has hugged me when no other hug on the planet would do. He has watched me cry and never stepped away. He has given me hope....three years ago hope seemed non existent in my world but he has opened my mind again to the idea of forever with someone. For the first time ever in my entire life....my days spent with someone feel too short. Him and I spend a crazy insane amount of time together and yet I never get sick of the time with him and sometimes feel a little sting in my heart in knowing that forever with him, just isn't long enough. Where a handful of others walked away because I was too sensitive or too girly or too passive he has stayed. Where others would say they were scared that my sweet personality covered up a raging bitch ready to explode....he saw a sweet personality and stayed. He has been more honest than a person would normally be, even if a sting came with that honesty but somehow in that place of being truthful, I've grown to trust him. Every day when I wake up beside him, there is the most sincerest gratitude inside me that I get to have one more day with him. He is the one who is standing where others didn't want to stand, he is the one blocking me from the cruelest elements in the world, making me laugh, listening to me rant, sitting quietly with me while I cry buckets. He's choosing me....when he could have someone not so tarnished by the brutality of other human beings...he never...like not even one time, has told me that I'm over reacting or that I'm gonna wreck this if I don't stop being scared. He just listens and loves me anyways. He loves me despite all the things that make me feel incredibly weak. Every fear of being unlovable because I'm a little fragile now...he has calmed that in me...frick...I'm lucky......and this is the thing....him and I might fall to shit one day....and I'll still be thankful for right now...and if the worst he dishes out is making posts about my rack or penis warmers on Facebook...well I'll surely be grateful because I have been to a place that was a thousand times worse. At the end of the day what he gives me, what he pours into our relationship day in and day out, far out weighs his colorful humor on Facebook. I'm a grownup and I have one mother. She trusts my judgement and she would never ever judge someone based on things people post and seriously...even though she's my mother....she doesn't parent me. I guess it's funny to me that people feel as though they have the right to weigh in on my life when the very same people had nothing to say at all when I was living in my walk in closet feeling as though I was completely breaking.

While you're busy policing Facebook...maybe you should say a word or two to the person who posted about how she is secretly happy when her friends gain weight instead of blowing smoke up her ass about how awesome she is for being honest, essentially empowering her to be an ass of a human being. How can it be that in the moments when life is falling apart, the people who claim to be there for you are too busy and yet when your life feels the best it has felt....like ever maybe....that these same people so quickly judge your choices.....that is amazing to me. But then again, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that people are quick to pick apart other people's lives when they don't want to work on their own issues.

If it bothers you to read my wall, don't read it...remove me from Facebook....but don't be the boss of me. Don't tell me what to do, and don't ever use my children as leverage to make your point. Don't question my parenting, my morals or my choices when you have next to nothing to do with my life. Life is fucking hard enough without people picking apart the best things in your life. The only thing that you prove to be clear is that it doesn't matter what kind of person you are or how you live your life....someone will always find the flaws in that....

P.S. Don't ask me who this is about....if you think it's about you....you're probably right.

Happy Thursday all a ya'll!

Other People's Words

This was a letter on my desk this morning.

Lanie,(He misspelled it...but I had to correct it cuz that would annoy me...also *Quicky Disclaimer: The F bomb is used in this post one time...sorry grandma :)

I want to say thank you. In a weird way you helped me without even knowing you did that. Me and my wife have been together for 13 years. It's feels like a long time. Feels like we are a partnership taking care of the kids. Life is passing and we are in it to the end. I would come in once a month or so, sometimes more and you would talk to me. The way you talk to people is different. It was nice. It made me feel like someone cared about my day to day shit. I know your job is to be nice, but it didn't feel like that. It felt like you really cared. I found myself finding reasons to stop by, just to talk to you or see your smile. Don't panic, I'm not going to stalk you lol. I think that I did start thinking about you too often. I did start to wish I was married to someone else, someone more passionate about life. Someone who laughed and smiled even though life isn't great sometimes. Someone like you. It's shitty to think like that. But it's the truth. I started to be attracted to you. That makes me feel like an asshole. I did start thinking that I was going to leave her, not for you lol but to have a different life.

But you did something and said something that helped me. I saw you out with friends. Fuck this sounds like a stalker. lol. I watched you guys. I was with my wife and other buddies. I watched you and your friend dancing and laughing. But I also watched you with your boyfriend. I wanted her to look at me like how you look at him. I was jealous. Does too many years make you stop looking at each other like you matter? I was a asshole to her the rest of the weekend while I thought about what you were doing. Pretty sure that sounds creepy but I was mad. Here I was spending my days off with Miss Attitude and you were probably having a great weekend. Monday morning I called the office and we talked for a couple minutes and then Tuesday I came in. That's when you said something that made me want to change my mind. Instead of talking about me, we talked about you. I asked you if the new relationship was exciting or if you were getting bored yet and you said it felt settled but still exciting. But that's a choice. You said the best thing a person can do, is BE how you want the relationship to look and hope that the other person wants that too. Here I was whining about how my wife doesn't like to kiss me and doesn't like to give massages and doesn't like to go out and have fun but you reminded me that sometimes you have to be that way to the other person even when they aren't that way to you. You asked me if I talked to her about how I was feeling and I said no and you said you should do that. You bitched at me about other things in there and then asked me, How can she fix it if she doesn't know about it? I went home that night with a case of beer. I brought some cheezies because she likes those and the beer. We sat down and talked for about 2 hours. Both of us had complaints. She wanted to end things too sometimes. She missed how fun I used to be. She missed how romantic I was before the kids. She said she cries a lot because I don't leave her love notes like I used to. She thinks I'm not attracted to her and she wants me to cook for her sometimes. She said it doesn't matter if I don't know how to give a massage, I could try. I told about all the stuff I was feeling and thinking. She was mad. I shouldn't have started off talking about you. Don't worry, she doesn't know where you work lol. But after awhile it felt like we could change things. We're both going to try harder. I think I have you to thank for that. I don't know if it will work, we both have to want things better right? But I think it's worth it.

Thanks for saying things I needed to hear even though some of it pissed me off. You should be a shrink.

Take care.

I know who dropped this letter on my desk. I edited his grammar and spelling in this letter which was horrific :) After I read it a couple times, the stalker feeling subsided....lol. I don't think he had bad intentions here...I think he was desperate for something that could save things for him. Gosh, I think it makes me a lil emotional that maybe I gave him that.....especially since I couldn't save some of my own stuff. I know how hard relationships are....long ones and new ones. People give up too easy and sometimes maybe we stay through far more than we should. But I like to look at that part as character building. That's when you get to see what you're really made of and how much you are capable of giving! :)

I have hope for them...hope they fight for it. If anyone out there is going through a phase where things feel mediocre...change it! Only you can do that...and it's totally worth it! :)

It's almost Friday so enjoy your weekend :)

Therapy 101

Therapy Session Eleventy Billion :)(Don't judge)


Her: Do you love him?
Me: Why are you asking me this?
Her: I just want you to think about it...just think about if you do....and what that looks like for you....and then tell me about it.

Do I love him? Holy hell...that question is so hard! Dang it!

We are opposite in a dozen ways and kindred in other ways. The walls he has built feel like they are ten thousand feet high and most of the time it feels impossible to get beyond them. He's stubborn...especially when he thinks he right....and so I let him win...:) He has no filter....about anything really...and some of the things he says out loud, I can live without hearing. He's too open minded about some things and he's a spend-aholic(but he's working on it) But oh my gosh....he's soft and sooooo smart. When he doesn't know something...he finds the answer....he doesn't just leave it. He's composed...he's a critical thinker and I love that!! He processes before forming an opinion.....He is a manly man but in so many ways there is the gentleness and vulnerability of a little boy and I just want to protect him.... The way he clears his throat when he has something to say, gives me a lump in mine. He makes me laugh...all.the.time. He likes to talk...to me...and he listens to what I say and when he looks at me, he really looks at me. Being around him, makes me feel calm. Honestly....it isn't really anything that he does or doesn't do...for the first time in my entire life, I sit in a place of having to say...I know how I feel and I can't explain it...and that scares the shit outta me.
In a ton of ways, he isn't what I would pick at all! He's quiet...introverted in a few little ways. He has that magic little switch that I'm certain is mostly only found in boys. The one that shuts things off as quick as it turns them on. That switch is terrifying...I loathe that switch more than anything else. I'm used to being with guys who gush their feelings to me...men who can't contain their emotions...and here I find myself with someone who seems to have no emotions to most things...at least that's how it appears on the outside. He's not big on words of affirmation, and his reactions to things are never over the top excited, whereas I'm the kind of girl that tries to contain the fact that when he walks through the door, I want to be doing some sort of cheer routine to welcome him home...cept how awkward would that be...lol....so instead I throw out a casual "Hey, how was your day?"
I should run from him...I should find the exit, go through the door, slam it shut and leave it closed. But I can't. I can't because....

I guess I trust that everyone that comes into your life, comes with a purpose. I choose to believe that he is here to help me heal some of the broken bits, and that maybe I can do the same for him.

Her: You haven't answered my question..
Me: What was the question?
Her: Very funny... do you love him?
Me: This isn't helping me....
Her: 10 months ago you told me that you hoped that from this point on you would be spared from the cruelty of love, that you feel disposeable and that they all leave and that it isn't worth the pain. You said that you would be happy for the ones who float in and out, and that you wouldn't give anyone that part of you that you can't easily take back. Do you remember that?
Me: Mmmmhmmm
Her: Do you remember saying that no one deserves that part of you, that when you give it, you give all you have and they crush you, and steal it and leave you standing alone?
Me: Mmmmhmmmm
Her: Know what?
Me: Hmmmm?
Her: You have healed in ways over the last year that you don't even see! I think you're crying because you know that! So you can answer the question now if you want to....

He told me months ago that there was a possibilty he wouldn't stay. He told me weeks ago that he needs to work on the voice in his head that tells him that nothing lasts forever. Since the beginning he has seemed to be caught somewhere in the middle place of wanting to stay but thinking he might need to go...and still I stayed. This girl with a terrifying fear of being abandoned...stayed. This girl who hates building the story in her mind of how someone feels...stayed...while the boy said very little. This girl nursing her own tender wounds....stayed. This girl who thrives best on knowing where she's going, what she's doing and who she's with....stayed...despite the script and cast not being set in stone...she stayed....While everything in me told me to bolt...I stayed.....he needed things from me....things that only I could give him...but more than that...I needed things that only he could give me, and whether that is for a little while or a long time...I know I'll be better for it. I know that he'll leave far more with me than what he takes with him if he goes....and I'll still be okay :)
Maybe it's sad that you start to get used to people leaving...maybe it's sad that you almost expect it...for everyone to leave...but how awesome it is.....that even though I expect they might leave...I still give them the very best of what I have...

Loving someone is the purest thing you can do, it is an act that requires the most faith in the purpose behind it, because when you love someone, it comes with no guarantee that they will love you back. It is the single most perfect act of character that a person can display if it is done with the right intentions. I have learned that forevers with anyone seem questionable. I want that...I know it exists, I just don't trust that it will be part of the design for my life, and maybe it won't...but I won't stop striving for it.

Her: Sooooo?
Me: The answer is yes.
Her: Are you okay with that?
Me: What are my other choices? I fell in love with him...I can't unlove him...he hasn't done anything wrong to earn that.
Her: So what will you do?
Me: Be afraid, feel lost, struggle for air, be mad that he doesn't know, act like I'm five, try to talk myself out of it......and still love him...
Her: Seeeeee you are healing....and besides...what's the worse case scenario??
Me: No one dies.

My Little Book

Okay so the other day I was feeding my addiction on Pinterest and I came across this lil read. My Little Book of Whether or Not He's Worth It.

You can find it here:
http://lacelollipops.com/2012/03/12/the-importance-of-a-good-man/

Go read it. She has some relevant criteria in there....I mean all of it is relevant to her.... It is likely that her and I would be friends just based on the fact that people have told both of us that we are on a fairytale mission for a man that doesn't exist......pppfffffftttt! I still completely disagree. Hoooooooowever, while I think her book is full of great must haves...she does have much more of a flowery perception of men than I....yay for her that she hasn't encountered a ton of duds to make her jaded :) The reality is....he isn't going to think about us every second of the day and spew sunshine and rainbows all the time when he talks about us to his friends. Sometimes he's going to be a tool and try and be all manly and shit and we're gonna look at him with a look that he and I both know says "I am sooooooo kickin yer ass when we get home."
The more I read, the more I found myself writing my own list in my mind...there were indeed many things from her book that were also important to me...but there are far far bigger things that outrank a lot of her book for me. This is based on a looooong term relationship and a dozen or so very short lapses in judgement. For me this list is made up of stuff that matters, stuff that really matters and stuff that could result in injury to one of us, and by injury to one of us, I mean him, if you can't apply the criteria to your life. I'm not going to get as fancy as her but this is my list.


My book :)

Ooooooo fancy hey? I know....hate my artistic skills if you want to...:P

Okay...my book...

1. Be Happy. Let's face it, life just sucks sometimes. It's a hard road for everyone, just choose a good attitude :)
2. Being domestic makes you hotter...it doesn't emasculate you! If you do toilets, laundry and dishes...I basically automatically love you.
3. Kindness matters. Prairie dogs and other creatures on the road(except mice...you may kill mice by any means necessary)are not targets...please be a lover of most creatures...including people.
4. Make me laugh almost every day <-----this one right here...to have someone like this is perfection.
5. Bring me tea or coffee in bed sometimes, write me a cheesy love note, foreplay is more than just turning off the light...these kind of sweet mushy gestures...YOU will reap the reward of that!
6. Don't look at me like I'm batshit crazy if I'm crying and tell you I don't know why...I'm a girl...girls do that crap...just love on me and roll with it.
7. Don't tell me the team I cheer for bites just because they aren't your team. That's my job...I'm allowed to mock your team cuz I'm the girl :P
8. Talk to me....Okay I know...heavy requirement here...we talk...A LOT...I know this and I'm sorry, cept not really cuz sorry means you'll change and I won't but yeah...sorry that you have to endure it.F.O.R.E.V.E.R. I want to hear what you have to say...if I love you then I want to know everything there is to know about you...so talk to me :)
9. Kiss me...a lot...like anytime you want to. Don't be so passive about us. Mediocre existence between penguins is unacceptable.
10. Since you're a guy, you'll think it's funny to fart on me...while I accept the whole trapping me under the covers with one...to plant your cheeks right on my leg and let one rip...yeah that is not okay...and the bed will likely feel a lil chilly for a couple nights....not to mention that this one will make the 'Big Book of Grievances" to be thrown at you in an arguement 8 months from now...so just don't do it.
11. Encourage me to go for it...in all areas of life...within reason of course...duh.
12. Kiss me on the forehead. This is something endearing for us girls. Moments like this show us the gentle and sweet side of our penguin and while we totally dig you being all tough and masculine...sometimes we need to see this side of you.
13. Like my family...or fake it like you do. These are my people...they aren't going anywhere...most of the interactions are so fleeting...so just act like you love them even if you don't.
14. NEVER EVER say you don't like my best friends....also never say you think about sexing my best friends. Both of these fall into the injury clause posted above.
15. When I'm doing a good job making you happy...could you tell me that sometimes?...you don't have to blow sweetness and light up my butt constantly but I need to know I'm doing a good job.
16. Let me win at video games sometimes and I'll let you win at Scrabble. I have pride too ya know.
17. Be creative and silly with me. Be spontaneous. Be fun.
18. Wipe the seat if you pee on it...we don't have a cleaning fairy...wait...yes we do...I'm her....and she thinks that job is disgusting already...don't make it worse.
19. If I make me you mad...tell me that...it's okay to kick my ass slightly...call me on my crap...if you say nothing then how can I make it right?
20. If you buy Ice Cream and it's Rolo....don't pick all the rolo pieces out of the ice cream...:) That's my job.
21. If you are one of those guys that blows your nose in the shower...please sing at the top of your lungs while you do it so that I can't hear it...Gaaaaag! I feel like I don't really even need to say this but if you do that while I'm in the shower with you...oh holy hell..hello injury clause above.
22. When you see that I'm breaking, please try not to go into shitting the bed, need to save me mode. Use good judgement on how to best handle me in the moment. Sometimes laying with me in silence and holding my hand is enough.
23. Did you know that physical interaction can instantly change your mood? Hold my hand for no reason sometimes, hug me like you hate letting me go...I need that connection like you need beer and bacon.
24. Tell me I'm beautiful...especially when you know that I feel like a tragic mess. I need to hear that from you more than anyone else.
25. Check out other girls if you want to...that's normal...but remember that I'm still at the table and might like to catch your eye as well.
26. When I make you food...don't ever say ewwww or tell me I'm a terrible cook....unless you have solid resistance to poison....and then by all means...say whatever you want to.
27. Don't say out loud that you dream about suffocating me sometimes and I won't announce that I thought about pushing you down the stairs last night :)
28. Make me believe that all things are possible...that the dreams we talk about can actually come true...even if you know it would take a miracle.
29. Don't ask me to kiss your feet or suck your toes...or we are over....
30. If you use the last of the toilet paper...don't just sit the roll on top of the holder...that pisses off the cleaning fairy.
31. Don't be gross and hard core boy all the time, just because I love you....there are things I don't need to hear...or see.
32. Let me pop zits on your back and man up about it!
33. Be patient. I'm going to drive you crazy...just do some deep breathing until the moment to shake me passes :)
34. Teach me boy stuff without the attitude that says dudes are so awesome and chicks can't do this shit.
35. Believe in me enough to tow the line when I struggle to believe in myself.
36. Dance with me in the kitchen while dinner is burning
37. Don't say that you will be all romantic and sweet in the beginning and then never do that...that's just shitty.
38. Make sure that you are doing all the things that let me know that I for sure have one person who has my back at the end of the day.
39. When I do nice things for you, act excited sometimes.
40. Act like a little kid sometimes. Be free spirited enough to not care what other people think.
41. Let me have the window seat sometimes when we fly somewhere.
42. No matter how mad you get at me....don't ever ever use my toothbrush to clean the toilet, I will give you the same respect, that just crosses a line.
43. Please be sentimental and love Christmas.
44. If you promise me a picnic, take me on a picnic...don't make plans with me that are never going to happen.
45. Remember that I am a constant reminder to myself that I'm not perfect...don't point out the things that I already know are my biggest weaknesses.
46. I'm a girl, I'm going to tantrum out, over dumb stuff, like you using the last of the coffee....so just be smart and don't let that happen silly :)
47. Don't mock me when I say "For seriously?" "Is that a true story?" Smartitude or Supertastic, just find my made up language cute :)
48. Don't ever scare me with snakes or spiders or bugs....so uncool.
49. Don't let a bad day at work ruin our entire night.
50. Be generous....not with money....but with your time and your words.
51. Don't be in a rush to just kill time with me. We only get this one life and I want to feel like I got to take it all in.
52. Be the man in my life that makes me without question say...."He is my best friend."
53. Sing to me, even if you are a bad singer...just don't wreck the song if we are both singing in the car, and don't make up your own words to an existing song...however if you wanna write me a song...I say yes please!
54. Be in it for the long haul, anyone can stay when life is easy....be someone who is going to walk through the valley with me, encouraging me that there is better ahead.
55. Remember that I chose you despite your faults...let's not play the who's more awesome game...I already have the game built and won in my mind. :p
56. Be honest...like not about my cooking, baking, cleaning or body...but be honest about everything else :)
57. I'm not going to take you for granted...don't take me for granted either.
58. Don't make me feel replaceable....make me feel like your life would never be the same without me in it.
59. When we fight...cuz we will....take your ass to the bathroom, garage, bedroom...where ever....but do not leave the property or you will get to read an entire chapter in the Book of Grievances...all about abandonment...
60. Let me sleep furthest away from the door so that the bad guy will kill you first.
61. We all have road rage at times but please don't put my life at risk just because someone cuts you off.
62. Bring me chocolate...except when I'm dieting because then I will assume you are trying to keep me fat.
63. What other people look at as cheesy as far as lovey dovey stuff goes....I look at as the sweetest thing....so be cheesy :)
64. Remember thst I'm giving you the most valuable thing I have, my heart...I'm putting every ounce of trust I have into the hope that you will take care of it, don't abuse that priviledge.

Okay so there it is. My Lil Book....my 'Matters to Me' list...unrealistic?? Pffffft! I think not, but that's why I stopped where I did...adding things like, play the guitar for me while you sing in tune...yep...seemed like I was reaching at that point :)

Happy Thursday all a y'all :)

For Kelly...

~If I could I’d take all your tears, and carry all your sorrow,

I’d take the little broken bits, and hold them till tomorrow.

I'd take your place in the valley, shelter you from the rain,

Sprinkle sunshine all around you, and live with all the pain.

Sadly friend, I can’t take it all, but still I’ll stand by you,

And while the darkness closes in, the light always filters through.

So take my hand, we’ll walk a while, surrender and rearrange,

Find some way to work with life and the things that we can’t change.

Someday the pain will soften; I don’t think it ever goes away,

You just keep moving forward, and remember yesterday.

You’re thankful for every minute that he was here to stay,

And maybe for a moment, he doesn’t feel so far away.

And then it seems you smile, when your mind’s eye sees his face.

And you linger there in that memory that time cannot erase.

Thinking of you and your sweet family....love you muchly girly

Her name is Caroline....

I work in an accounting office and we just came through tax season...everyone survived...:) I meet all kinds of people in my job and honestly my most favorite thing about my job is chatting with the clients. Some of them come and go with only a brief exchange and others know all about the coming and goings in my life and I know theirs...and that makes us friends! While I generally like all of our clients....occasionally someone special comes my way and gives me this little burst of happiness in my spirit.

Her name is Caroline.

~She is precious. Small and delicate, 83 years old with the kindest most childlike eyes I've ever seen. She came in to get her personal taxes done and so we chatted. We talked about her children and how she is widowed and it's just her now. She asked me about my life and my children and expressed her apologies for how some things have turned out. I gave her the checklists to fill out and she said she would be back. I smiled when she left, and hoped I would see her again. Two days later she returned....making her way up the two flights of stairs into our office. She stood in front of my desk, fumbled through her wallet and pulled out twenty five dollars and went to hand it to me.

"Do you remember me?" She said.

"I absolutely remember you." I replied.

How could I not!! This tiny little woman that I wanted to put in my pocket and keep forever...lol. She then went on to tell me that she wanted to pay me to fill out the forms for her...the doctors wrecked her eyes and now she can't see a thing, she said. Gosh she made me smile...the way she said it was with complete frustration but still a gentle sweetness about her....I told her she didn't need to pay me and that I would be happy to fill out the forms with her...we went through the pages and made more small talk along the way. When we were done she said "At least let me buy you some flowers, you've been so kind." Oh my heck....I melted right then...I told her she didn't need to do that...that I was happy to do it because it meant we got to chat a little longer. She told me thank you and left her stuff with me and went on her way. Two hours later...the office was chaos with people dropping off their tax information and I glanced down the hallway to see her weaving her way through the seven or eight people...with flowers in her hand...Tulips...perfect for Easter she said, and much deserved for the girl who let a little old lady chat the afternoon away. She handed them to me and left. After the room cleared of people I sat at my desk and stared at the flowers...and thought how lucky am I for this brief interaction with someone so special. I called her a few days later and let her know that her taxes were done. She wouldn't be able to get into town right away...she was taking care of her kids farm while they were out of town...I still giggle when I think about that. If you could have seen her. Picture your usual grandma who seems to shrink 2 or 3 inches every time you see her. Yep...that is Caroline and so to picture her working a farm....frick it just makes me smile. Anyways she came in two weeks later to sign her taxes. I chatted with her, helped her with her pin number on the machine because clearly the 6x6 magnifier she had was not doing it's job. When she had paid, I helped her gather her stuff up....I was sad in a way....I knew I wouldn't see her again...at least until next year. She stood there for a minute just looking at me...and then motioned for me to come out from my desk...and I did. I stood in front of her. She looked up at me...her blue blue eyes looking right into my eyes. She put her hands on my cheeks and said "You are divine."....I choked on the thank you that I mustered..."The prettiest thing about you is that the hard stuff in your life didn't make you hard, people can tend to get mean when life doesn't go their way, and you are so sweet still. "Thank you for saying that" I said. She started to walk away...and then turned around and said..."You are a precious, precious girl." Oh my gosh...yep my eyes got wet then. I don't think that she even realized what she left me with that day. When things go wrong, you blame yourself and dig out every single shortcoming about who you are, you carry all the blame...but the reality is....sometimes things just don't go the way you planned, it doesn't make you less than who you are and you can still be awesome, regardless of the lows!! I soooo hope that I'm just like her when I get older...so gentle and sweet but strong in her thoughts. <3

How people treat other people is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves.

I'd say this is pretty accurate. Most days I feel pretty good about the job I'm doing as a human being, and try to live my life like that, like Caroline...being kind....just to be kind. It's her birthday soon and I hope her day is incredibly blessed....wish she knew how thankful I was for that day in my office...she gave me a lil something that I really needed.

Sunday chat with James

This weekend had ups and downs for me. Great fun with my girlfriend and periods of reflection....but in the middle of a low came a little bit of therapy from an unexpected place. On the dating site amidst mostly men who are only out for one thing or to play a quick game of messing with your mind, I have found very few who stand behind what they say or who really stand for anything. I will say that I have been fortunate to have a couple good experiences with really good men, just not the right men for me. When I start talking with someone I am almost always skeptical, initially believing that they are about to lay out an essay of lies. It sounds horrible but sadly it's the truth. This morning I started talking to a guy named James. As per usual, I got into game mode ready with any come back for anything he had to say. His profile said he was just looking for friends....yeah right...who is just looking for friends? We started with small talk, witty banter, and a teensy bit of intellect thrown in. We chatted online for 2 and a half hours and then he asked if we could talk on the phone. I said sure. On the phone the conversation was just as easy. We laughed a ton. I told him that he shouldn't have any trouble meeting someone when he changes his status from friends. He said he wasn't ready and I asked why......he got super quiet, did the guy clearing of the throat thing and I could hear a little shake in his voice. He got married to his high school sweetheart when they were 19, the love of his life he said. Four of the best kids in the world and a life that made him thankful every single day to be alive. He kept the two oldest and his wife took the two youngest to see her sister. On their way home, there was accident and all of them died. Oh my gosh, I kept it together....told him how sorry I was for his loss....and then he said "That's why I'm not ready yet, it wasn't supposed go like this." We talked about how life takes you on this completely unexpected road, when the only thing you want is the known path and how you constantly adjust your mind for the new changes. I'm emotional today and I hate that because Sundays are usually my favorite day. I was having a hard time not losing it during our chat....and then he said the one thing that I always say. "How do you create a new forever.....she was my forever." Oh heck, I started bawling like a baby, he was crying too. It was the saddest thing and also the most comforting thing at the same time. Another person feeling the exact same way. I told him I don't know....told him that I have a hard time seeing forever with anyone, all of them leave at some point, why plan for the future? He said it breaks his heart that someone so sweet and compassionate would feel like everyone will leave her. We talked about other stuff and going for coffee and Fish Creek park and how he's never been to the zoo. He said he feels like the pain won't ever leave and I told him that I remember that feeling. He asked what I did to get through it and I told him...."Do what you can today, and then tomorrow, wake up and do that again, over and over and over again." The pain gets to be less, the hurt softens and you change, you learn to adapt and most days are fantastic and in the midst of it there are really hard days, but you just keep doing it. We ended the conversation on a high note....talking about the summer and plans. Both of us thanked the other for being a friend on one of the low days. That conversation gave me perspective on a day when I really needed it from a neutral source. All of us are broken in little ways, all of us stomp in our own puddles but listening to him talk about the way he loved her, still loves her....it was so precious....to hear him be so raw and fragile in describing how he feels. Mostly he gave me the best reminder....Love your people....cherish the moments, choose the hill your gonna die on, don't take any of it for granted because it can all change in the fraction of a second. I need to remember that. Someday I'll do forever with someone.....when I'm ready for it....but for now, I'll be so thankful for sweet little moments like today, where a man reminded me that we are all trying to figure our way through some of the toughest hurts of our life. Thank you James for spending your Sunday with this girl. :)

Stealing the Sweetness

It's just one of those days. A day when I hate online dating. I hate the feeling of it feeling like an interview. I hate how quickly the conversations degenerate into intimate territory. I hate how they say just the right things to suck you in. They make you believe the lies that so freely fall from theirs mouths. They change you and mess with your mind...and then when they have you, it's like they try to steal your sweetness.
He said: Go ahead, get mad, yell and tell me that I'm an ass. You've got that in you. You're scared that if you're a bitch I'm gonna walk away.

I said: I'm not scared that you're gonna walk away....if you walk away, you don't deserve to have me, cuz I'm worth it ya know.

He said: You're too sweet and that makes you no challenge and unfortunately guys like a challenge.

I said: Then maybe I'm just not the right girl for you.

He said: F****** fight for it, beg me to stay or something!

I said: I begged a man to choose me once....I'll never beg again. You should walk away.

And he did.....

I didn't cry right then....I swallowed the lump over and over so that he wouldn't see me cry.

But when I got home....oh my gosh....I sobbed my heart out. People handle people with this intentional cruelty sometimes, they take things from you, make you jaded, make you feel broken. How do people do that? Why do people that? I start to feel disconnected, removed...I start to feel like the things that I love very most about myself are the things that boys seem to hate the most. They don't want this sweet girl. They want moody, and dramatic, and catty. I don't understand. I constantly come back to that quote...."Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard....it goes on from there...oh my heck....Be Soft....how do you keep doing that when everyone tells you, that's why they have leave you, because you're too soft...somedays I feel that sweet part of me fading...like I'll keep it inside...I'll give it to my people but withold it from men. Ultimately it always comes back because that's who am...but shoot...sometimes...I wish I was different. Feels like there's a whole lot of leaving happening around here....that breaks my heart a little...it's just a bad day....it'll pass...still gonna keep being me, cuz oh my gosh...I kinda like this girl....someday someone will think sweetness is the best thing ever....and anyways...it's not like I can't be bitchy...I can...but not if there isn't a reason to be....I seek out happy.....isn't that a good thing?....Bleh...

~ “Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”

Tomorrow is a New Day :)

Do not judge....

....I have over the last three years seen the very best in people and the very worst. I have been on the receiving end of having my spirit broken and thankfully have also been blessed with incredible people in my life who have given the very best of themselves in order to help me rebuild some of the broken parts. In a hundred ways I feel so far from the person that I was a few years ago. I have learned forgiveness and compassion. I have learned that I have no idea what other people are going through and if this was their last day on earth, I would want to leave something with them that says that people aren't so bad. I have learned to be humble and to be so grateful to have gotten through the stormiest part of my life. More than anything, I have learned to be kinder than I feel, because there is a human being on the other end of things with real emotions that can be damaged. I have mispoken and owned my choices. I have attempted to right the wrongs that I have done that caused damage to other people. This world is hard....being a grown up....oh my gosh....sooooooooo hard. Building new relationships....the hardest. Guys either want a bitchy girl or a girl void of feelings.....wow...I have long road....since I'm neither of those. Today is one of those days....when I wish my walk in closet was bigger. Maybe tomorrow will be better....
"Do not judge, you have no idea the storm I've asked them to walk through." -God
Gonna keep reminding myself of that...giving grace for the fact that I am not capable of understanding exactly what someone else has or is going through.

The waiting part sucks ass....just sayin :(

Didn't publish this post on Facebook mostly because I'm writing this one as therapy so if any of y'all happen across it and feel bad for not sending me luvs....don't feel bad. :) Life feels kinda bluish to me these days. I'm....oh my gosh...really struggling with relationships. The ones I don't want, want to stay and the one I want, doesn't want to stay. He says I'm too much work. He isn't wrong. My damaged bits I guess are too much for people and that makes me unbelieveably sad....seeeee cuz inside....I know what this girl brings to a relationship....and there is a ton of frickin fun in there!! Mornings spent laying in bed finding pictures in the stucco ceiling, dancing in the living room, a gazillion sticky notes with sweet words, coffee in bed, breaking into parks at night, scary movies(where you don't make fun of me) outstanding backrubs, cheering you on when your days suck, great food, drives to the middle of nowhere, kicking your ass at Scrabble and Sudoku but letting you be the man at poker and pool, cheering for your hockey team even if they aren't my team....Dang it...I'm a fun girl! However this girl is also emotional...this girl acts like she's 5 and lays on her bed and kicks her feet. This girl cries...probably too much for most but I cry at the good stuff too!! Geeeeeeesh! Bring me breakfast in bed and I'll totally get a lump in my throat.... Hard stuff changes you. This girl doesn't trust easily now....but oh my gosh, when she does....she'll have your back to the death!! Bestie says that when I'm with the right person they will understand me, they'll speak my language and they will be consistent to make me feel safe investing in them. Everyone who knows me says that the guy who gets to have me will be so super dee duper lucky! Yikes! I'm having a hard time feeling like that these days....Tracy says that she thinks that we're all pretty lucky if we end up with someone who puts up with all our shit and loves us anyways. I've learned a lot in the last few years....I'll surely continue to learn more along the way...I've learned that growing through the hard stuff has made me a better person in a ton of ways. When someone hurts me I try hard to understand their situation rather than hurt them back....I have patience to overcome the hardest parts of growing a valuable relationship....You go through this life altering moment in your life and you wonder if anything is ever going to feel right again.....and then you have this tiny little glimmer of excitement that tells you that maybe you are glad to be right here, right now in this moment. Yep....felt that for a bit...I know I'll feel it again. Sure wish boys could understand that for all the shit they have to put up with with us girls....we also do our fair share of putting up with crap....and for sure no one can say I don't fight for it...that kinda makes me happy to be able to say that....there have been tons of times when I wanted to run for the hills....especially in this last lil dot dot dot....but I didn't....I stayed while Bolty McBolterson ran...and then ran again....so Imma go ahead and give myself one little brownie point that I did one good thing amidst a handful of things done wrong...:( I'm not perfect.....guess maybe I just wish my damaged parts were different....not so hard for someone to work with...bleh.... ...Sometimes the mountain seems too steep...but that's okay....You have to climb it either way and you can either sing while you climb or bitch....maybe tomorrow I'll sing...:)) "If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you're not worth it. ... Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”

A lil Birdie told me

"A little birdie told me you should put on your jacket and run down to the candy store before it gets too cold....weird eh?" "When you get there, just say Hi,I'm Lanie." This was a text message I got this afternoon. I did as instructed and the lady behind the counter handed me a bunch of flowers and a hot large Double Double from Timmy's. Seeeeeeeee moments like this make being in the dating world totally worth it!

A New Year's a Comin :)

Sooooooo for like the past two weeks I've been thinking....Frick can't wait to say goodbye to this year. But last night...as I was laying in bed beside my 14 year old roommate....I was thinking about everything that's happened this year....which to other people wouldn't really be much....but for this girl.....phew....it felt like a lot. There were some lows in there....not the scraping the bottom of the barrel kinda lows....but definitely little moments of trudging through the puddles. But last night I fell asleep thinking about all the best things of 2012....and sooooo I'm only going to focus on that...:) Seeeeee how nice it is when today is not a rant day?? :) The last year has been exhausting for me but so worth it. I'm so thankful for my job and the people that I work with. They have in a ton of ways become friends to me. It is seriously awesome when you can go to work and have fun, and also have therapy at the same time...:) That job became my freedom....knowing that I could do it all on my own, made me less scared about the future and being all on my own. This year has tested me as a mother. My momma didn't lie when she said I'm gonna get pay back for all of my teenage years. My payback started much earlier than I had prepped myself for....and comes in the form of a gorgeous, funny, smart, sassy, creative, dramatic 14 year old. But the payoff....yep....it's worth it. She has become something different to me than just my daughter. She is a genuinely good person, with the softest heart. I am still the mother, but in a ton of ways, I can see us transitioning to friendship. That gives me a lump in my throat....the years seemed to pass in a blink and in my mind sometimes....she's still just five, standing in the kitchen in a very...uhmmmm....creative ensemble of clothing, asking me what I think. I'm so proud of her. I'm thankful for all of them. For the one who texts me every second day to say "I love you mom" and asks me to come and live with him....lol. For the one with his quiet, calm reasoning..... who's logic sometimes over rides what I would classify as good judgement, but who knows at the end of the day....I love him and am so thankful for the calmness in my life that only he gives me. They are after all, my greatest purpose, and biggest reward. I am beyond grateful to the women in my life....momzy....who never ever ever makes me feel like I'm sucking at this whole single parenting thing. The one who always tells me that she's so proud of me, even on the suckiest days. My other mothers(you know who you are) whos little words may seem so small to you, but have carried me through the hardest days. My best girls....here....and there.... who make me laugh, take me out, make me feel like I'm super fantastic and who never waiver in standing beside me even when I like super piss them off! Suprisingly I'm also thankful for the men in my life....though honestly...some of y'all don't deserve that title...buuuuuut I'm not gonna focus on that....instead I'm going to say that this was a great year in datingland.....in this little non magical land....there are snaggletoothed beasts but there are also some...err...like one or two... that seem Prince-like. I am choosing to take the few best qualities from most and remind myself what I need in a healthy relationship. I have been incredibly blessed by one man that came into my life over a year ago. I may have ranted a couple of weeks ago and honestly a fight with him started that rant.... cuz him and I duked it out pretty good....but the best thing about him is that he calls me on my shit...and says sorry for his own. He has become an incredible friend to me. He's sane and adjusted and though slightly dysfunctional....always....always....the voice of reason for me. He kicks my ass, makes me laugh....like every single day...tells me I'm doing a really good job...and gives me a slight glimmer....that there are really good men out there. He thinks he isn't all that...always says....he's a normal guy....oh frick...if he only knew. :)) I'm looking forward to this next year. I can feel myself changing, growing, adjusting to this different life. I have the galoshes handy, because seriously....I'd be feeding you a bunch of crap if I said I'm done with puddles....there will be many I'm sure...but I also know that you can't have a rainbow without a lil rain :) Happy New Year to all the people in my life....may your lives be blessed in countless ways...may your perfect days make you thankful, and your toughest days make you stronger....and I hope that you all know how grateful I am to have you in my life, sharing the best days and the blue days and ever giving me the little nudges I need to keep moving forward. xoxo

In the closet....

Sooooo after my little rant the other day, I started to be a little bitchy with myself. Started feeling like...."Geez girl, none of these people who read this lil blog get to hear the good stuff"...and I really did start thinking how easy it is for me to write when I need to vent but not so much when I need to talk to y'all about how I'm trying my very best to lift myself higher...soooo with that said....this post might sound so dramatic and tragic in part but it really isn't....it's actually a rah rah me....I've come so far!! K so I know I'm not the only one that has lived a moment in life that felt completely bigger than hell. A segment of time where you were certain that life was never ever going to feel good again and where the thought of getting in your car and driving away....like forever, seemed not only logical but also very practical.....that defining moment that is either going to BREAK you or MAKE you. Yep lived that. 1040 days ago the pieces started falling....my marriage was breaking and I had no power to stop it. Honestly....gosh....I remember saying to my bestie...."How do people keep on living through this....like it hurts to breath."...and she would just keep saying...."you just do"...."you just keep going".....but I also remember telling my other girlfriend...."Did you know that dolphins are the only mammal that can choose not to breath anymore? I wish I was a dolphin." Hands down these were the saddest days of my life. My visions of forever were gone, I was completely lost and beyond broken. I struggled to see the purpose of my life...tried to figure out where the heck to go from here...worried about how different my kids would end up being because of this....and loathed all things MEN....but oh my gosh....the best thing that came out of this is something that probably never would have come to be if things hadn't gone this way. See back then during married life and being a mom....I didn't have time to nurture a valuable relationship. I let it fall by the wayside to put other people first. Typical of most mothers, we value ourselves based only on the contributions that we make on behalf of our families. But when you find yourself in the middle of nowhere wondering how the hell this happened, sometimes you have to dig so deep to get out of it. That's what happened with me at least....I had to dig for it. People seriously think I joke when I talk about taking up residence in my walk in closet but for the better part of two months....I lived in there. I'd sit for hours in the dark... praying, crying, yelling at God, sleeping, wishing, and mostly dreaming of a place far from there....not geographically....but a place in time where the fractured smile didn't cover up a gaping wound......a time when I would feel sooooo far from wanting to live in a closet. I know why I moved in there....it's hard to explain it to other people though. The sadness I had felt so consuming, like it was penetrating every single ounce of me and when I was out in the world, too much air made me feel like I couldn't breath. I'm giggling as I type this, thinking that must sound completely crazy, but the truth of it is, I really had to make my world sooooooo teeeny tiny, so that I could dig for what I needed to find in myself. There have only been a handful of times in my life where I have felt that actual physical pain where your heart is....even thinking about what that pain feels like, gives me a lump in my throat and I had to do whatever it took to make that pain subside. Anyways....those two months in the closet....in that tiny little space....I grew. I grew in the relationship with myself...I grew into a place of acceptance....I craved to know myself....to really truly know this girl that I had neglected...I had tons of Runaway Bride moments..."Did I or didn't I actually like scrambled eggs?" "Did I like the Star Wars movies?" "Do I actually think a T.V. in the bedroom helps you sleep?" The answer to all of those is NO...but prior to this I would have said yes to them.....I grew in my faith...probably because yelling at God made me feel guilty and more than that...I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT FEEL STRONG ENOUGH TO GET THROUGH THIS ON MY OWN...I needed to have faith in something, or someone far bigger than myself, that I was going to get to the other side of this.....I grew, and I grew and I grew. I wish now that I had taken a picture so you guys could see it....my little fortress....the walls covered in sticky notes and ripped pieces of paper with words on them, a pile of blankets, books...some read a dozen times or more..poems I had printed off the internet...reminding of the ebb and flow that comes with living......my therapy book under the pillow....OH THE PLACES YOU'LL GO.....by Dr. Suess....this book became like a little lifeline for me...reminding me that this moment was gonna pass...no matter how long it took..no matter how dark the days felt....no matter how endless the nights felt.....it would pass at some point and that life is a constant mix of peaks and valleys. Don't get me wrong....while I was growing I was also raging. I ripped myself a new one in the beginning....carrying the weight of someone else's choice as my own. I convinced myself that I was nothing of value and that I had wasted this one precious life that God had given me. That's where the notes came in. At first, they just said a couple of words..."You are ok"...." You are good"...."You matter"....and over time they became longer....and after a little while....all these words became my testimony...I felt different...wounded but unbreakable....scared but brave enough to rise up and meet this challenge....the bitterness got softer and the grace got bigger. I grew in my ability to forgive people for the things they can't change. Oh my gosh, that probably did the most in helping me become ME. I wished a thousand times for life to have a rewind button, promising and bargaining with God that I would do it differently if he could just back up the train. Ultimately I knew that there would be no time machine and I had to figure out how to let go and move forward and I also knew that if I couldn't forgive, then I wouldn't be able to keep my eyes ahead of me, I would always be looking at what I left behind. When I packed up my little nest in the closet and moved back into my life, I knew that I would be fine. I knew that I was ready. I knew there would be countless moments when I would want to retreat to the closet and cry my face off. I knew I would stomp through puddles and find myself in valleys, but I also knew that whatever I thought I lacked in strength was there, waiting inside for me to need it and use it. Who knows where life is going to take me, none of us are guaranteed anything beyond this one moment....I'm doing my best to use these moments, to be a positive person to the people around me, to be a good mother, even on the days when exhaustion takes over, trying not to let my bad attitude about men and other things plague me, being the best friend I can be to my little circle of people, and absolutely being thankful for who I am, and how I've grown and changed. So far from perfect, with so much work to do....but oh my gosh....I'm doing okay...and I'm so thankful for those two months in the closet. That's where I got to take all the broken pieces of my life and recreate them into something new....I've talked about mosaics before,how sometimes what comes from the broken glass is more beautiful than the original...I guess time will tell as far as the opinion of other people goes.....but honestly....it doesn't matter to me if other people think I'm different or that I've changed for the worse or better.....I look at myself.....seriously I could cry...I'm so proud of who I am, and where I'm going and how brilliant I am....see cuz while people thought I was crazy...I knew what I was going to find in my little Narnia...I knew that's where I was going to find myself again.....

Note to self: ...................

I'm in a puddle....not a valley so don't call an intervention....just a puddle. I'm exhausted, and emotional, and sentimental and bitey. I know it will pass but right now I just wanna stomp around in the puddle....and then....later....mmmm....tomorrow maybe...I'll kick off the galoshes and get on with it. But first....OH.MY.HECK. I am goin on a hella rant! Starting now and covering only one topics..it start with M and ends with EN....if you are in a happy cheerful rah rah Christmas mood...you should prolly pass on this read. If this is what the pool of men I have to pick from seriously looks like....I'm gonna be a lesbian....just sayin...and I'm seriously barely joking...:) Why is it that some guys seriously think that they are the most amusing, funny, sweetest thing you're ever gonna meet? They park themselves up on that stupid assed looking pedestal and relentlessly insist that they are the epitome of awesomeness....seriously??? Why is it that guys feel soooooooooo completely superior to be able to just walk into your life and mess around in your head with a fork and then saunter out as though they were never there? They go through so much effort throwing out eleventy billion right things, just to back up out of it....why? This one right here....the person who did this....yeah he caused the most damage because what he did here was calculated and intentional and because he is the one that I would have really wanted to try this with. Why is that I have to endure hours and hours of whining about how tragic their life has been....how everyone is so mean to them, everyone ruins their life, no one actually loves them, they just get to bust their asses day in and day out and get absofrickinlutely nothing in return...shut up and cry me a frickin river....life is hard for everyone, get over yourself. Why is it that guys bother lying about who they are in the beginning?? Seriously?? Who has the energy for that? Be.who.you.are. It isn't rocket science. If you tell me you can play the piano like Beethoven, there is a slight possibility that a couple months from now I'm going to ask you to play the piano genius. This is honestly the most irritating part of dating. Just be honest right out the gate. I tell them all of it (well not all the details because that's a little TMI right at the beginning) But I tell them..."Dude I have trust issues, I'm a pain in the ass sometimes, I think I'm worth it but you might not" lol....That is basically what I say....why? Because A) I don't wanna waste your time or mine and B)I don't have the energy to morph myself into someone I'm not and then three months from now listen to you gripe because you want your old girlfriend back...the one you first met...lol. Might as well show you the good, bad and everything in between from the beginning. Honestly...I'm just having a super crappy day...I'm missing Christmas ornaments (Don't even get me started) It's my time of the month, I hate winter, I'm emotional about Christmas...it's just one of those days....just a bad day...not a bad life.....right?? And all that ranting to say, there are a couple of men who have shown me quality....I know they aren't all like this...I have family and friends who set a fine example of what a good man looks like but geeeeeez. Aaaaaaaaaaand on a lil side note the best part of life for me right now isn't even dating....that happens to be something that just comes along here and there....the very best part of my days, aside from my girl, are spent with myself. Figuring out what I really need in life, holding out for what I really want in life, and loving what I have in life. This lil blip is just that....one little puddle and it always dries up....or in my case....freezes over. K I'm done now....RANT.OVER.

I know life isn't a fairytale buuuuuuut......

Quicky Disclaimer:
This looks super long but it isn't quite this tortureous on the site. Once upon a time there was a fairy princess named.....hmmmmm......Frannie.....and a nasty assed dragon named.....hmmmm.......Mason.....lol....k I'm totally kidding....kind of....In all seriousness Jason and I have moved beyond the anger and disappointment and settled into separate lives and are both moving on....and I am happily dating. However....ahem....not sure if all a ya'll know this but the dating world...though sometimes fun....is also crazy and so very different than when you are sixteen. I love getting to meet new people and have honestly met some genuinely nice guys....however I have also learned a lot along the way too. Okay so I'm on a dating site....the name of which will come to light during this post. I'm not thrilled with being on a dating site...I feel like it creates the ability for people to be sketchy and keep their options open while messing with your head(that isn't me being bitter, just being honest) I'm even going to go so far as to allow you guys to see what my profile says....how brave is that?? Honestly though, it is probably one of the best profiles out there and any of my people who really know me...would for sure say that it sounds like ME on paper....K here it is.....read it....tell me what ya think!
Me in a Nutshell:

Sometimes I'm hard to handle, I'll spout a little too much sass,
But if you do it gently, I'll let you kick my ass.
Some nights I don't make dinner and I forget to make the bed,
But I'll let you win at Scrabble and remember things you said.
Sometimes I'll hurt your feelings, but I'll always make it right.
If you're feeling sore or grouchy, I'll rub your back at night.
I like to go on picnics, and paint pictures in the sky,
I can't play pool or two step, but I promise that I'll try.
I dance like no one's watching, and sing like I'm a star,
But no worries, I'm not crazy, I'll never key your car.
Mostly I'm a girly girl, but I'll hang out with your boys,
And I promise that I won't make fun, of all your big boy toys.
Feel free to leave me sticky notes, with all the cute things that you say,
And since I am a giver, it will all come back your way.
I like to kiss in public, and hold hands out on a walk.
I don't need to always win, and I'll always let you talk.
On the talking thing, I'm sometimes very chatty,
And though I have a lot to say, I try not to be too catty.
I know I'll make you laugh, and I'm a really good best friend.
I might not let it go your way, but I'll always try to bend.
I'll trust you if you’re trustworthy, and I hope you love your mama.
I hope you find no satisfaction, in other people's drama.
Be humble, kind and honest, with friends that span the years.
Be confident and not arrogant, and play well with all your peers.
There's so much more about me, that I guess I'll save to say,
But if it sounds like I might just be her, then send a message down my way.
If this doesn't sound like your right fit, don't give up on wishing,
She's out there somewhere waiting, and remember.....Happy Fishing!
Those are just the highlights of who I am and what I'm looking for. I have three great kids and their dad and I don't want to stab each other(anymore). I'm not skinny or even average so if that isn't your thing then we probably aren't a good match. It's not about the package, it's about the contents...obviously there needs to be some sort of chemistry but that can come in the form of anyone. I'm not interested in FWB, intimate encounters, or threesomes(not that there is anything wrong with it if that is what you are looking for) It just isn't where I'm at. If you are young enough to be buddies with my 19 year old son then we also wouldn't be a good match...as fun as that could be. I could write in this box for days but the rest is stuff that can be developed during conversation.
If you want to be extra extra creative then send a poetic reply my way because that is super cute...8)
ps. I don't want to sound rude but talking to someone without a picture is kind of creepy to me...so either send me one privately or have one in your profile...it's nice to put a face to the words....I don't care about a full body shot...but a face shot would be nice...8) Thanks.
pss. When you do send me pics...half naked ones, when I don't even know your name aren't a turn on...send me ones with you doing the dishes or mowing the lawn or opening a door for an old lady...lol.....because that is hot!
I'm looking for a sweet, special relationship. I'm looking for someone who is ready to make a place for me in their life. If you don't know what you want, or you still want to be out and about living the single life while having me on the side.....please don't message me. I'm looking for the guy who thinks that being with just one person is enough....if that isn't you then please just pass me by.
First Date
Hmmmm..... coffee? A walk? Helping old ladies cross the street? Spin the bottle? Pick up litter? Draw with side walk chalk? Let you paint my nails? Let me paint yours? Make matching tye dye T-shirts? Get matching tattoos? Take over the world? Run away to the Rain Forest? Seriously...I'm up for anything but we should probably chat first and just take it from there.
Okay so that is my profile from start to finish...wow I suddenly feel really vulnerable right now knowing you guys are going to read this. Anyways....I've been able to take a little from all of the time I've spent with different people....and more importantly I've been able keep myself coming back to what I really need in the relationship that is going to last....and that it's okay for me to choose to be alone....than to settle in with a person who doesn't want the same things as me. That doesn't mean there hasn't also been extreme bummers in saying goodbye to a couple of people but at the end of the day....I think that the people that love me should want for me what I want....and sadly I kind of want something that resembles a fairytale. Not in the fancy castle and horse and carriage kind of way....but in all the little ways...the tiny moments that happen between two people on a daily basis that make you question what you did so right to find yourself in this moment with this person....yeah...I want that...and nothing less is enough for me....sooooo.....when I'm in a relationship....be happy for me......and if I end it....it's totally okay....nobody dies and life is still good...:)

Sometimes ya just gots to smile....

Okay....soooo I wanted to blog....mmmmm.....like awhile ago....but I was kinda up and down and finding myself trudging through some little puddles and some big valleys.....so I waited...I waited because I don't want my people to always have to read about my life in a way where I've backed it with a somber tone....and honestly....there was no way around the somberness(??)(probably not a word)(but it is now) for a good little while cuz I needed time to pull it together.....sooooo....now I've kinda sorta half assed done that and thought I should blog about it. Waaaaaaaay back in February I got me a real grown up job. Office admin with a little bit o' team morale building thrown in there(which honestly is probably my calling, though jobs in that category seem scarce...:)) I love the job...really enjoy interacting with other grown ups....it's maybe not as artsy fartsy as I would like but it serves its intended purpose of paying the bills so I'll take it and be over the top grateful that God gave me enough courage to go for it! In other news....all my children are still alive....kind of a miracle in itself....given that I'm maxed out in the patience, and energy departments....they are doing good....adjusting to the curve ball that life sometimes throws us. There's been bitterness, extreme anger, resentment and buckets of tears....but...there has also been sweet moments, and picking up the slack, and support of my choices, and tons of laughing. I have met some really good people over these last few months who have encouraged me to just go ahead and take some chances...uhmmmm....living in the confinement of these cute little walls that I built around myself was comforting to me....for a long time actually...It made me feel safe....no one can hurt you if you don't allow them access to that part of you....I liked it there...in that safe place....for that time of my life....but then one of my very best friends....my momma....said one tiny little thing to me....and I don't think that she even realizes that that one little phrase totally changed my attitude...."You deserve to be happy".....oh my gosh....other people said it....all the time...and why wouldn't they....frick....I'm a great girl! :) But when she said it....I actually heard it..."I deserve to be happy".....and I had to acknowledge that maybe in some ways....I was keeping myself inside those walls partially for self preservation....but partially because I think maybe I was punishing myself for failing in the one area that I had spent over half of my life trying to perfect... I spent a couple hours in conversation with myself(yes some of it was out loud conversation...brilliant people talk to themselves....just saying) and then I had a moment of complete release....where I could feel it all the way deep down in my soul....I had reached the very end....I had reached the end in a lot of areas but I hadn't reached it within myself....there is no changing anything that is behind me.....but honestly... I'm excited about the future now.....and I know....without a doubt.....that every little thing is gonna be alright.....:) For months and months now....I have constantly forced myself to be a 'chin up' kinda girl....to be thankful for where I'm at....and acknowledge that it could be worse.....aaaaaaaaand these days especially....I have far more in my life to be happy about....while little parts here and there feel messy and it would be nice for a few things to come together......the big stuff....the stuff that really matters this girl....oh my gosh...the happiness wrapped up in all of that....far exceeds the areas that are driving me crazy.....Life is good... and I just can't really ask for anymore than that.... :) Soooooo that's it....my little blurb on life....I'm sorry to the people that I've maybe dropped the ball on....life is busy....that's no excuse....and I'm going to work on managing my time better so that I feel connected to the people who love me... K so I'm signing off....but I surely hope that y'all are finding and living your own happiness out there....and if you aren't.....then get off yer arse and go find it!

How much is enough??

Have you ever had someone make choices that made it seem as though they were legitimately attempting to break your spirit? Have you ever had someone spew words at you that were so cutting and so humiliating, that it would have seemed more kind and painless had they just spit in your face? Have you ever had someone take you from the place of being so valuable in their life and then throwing you away as though you were nothing more than trash? Have you felt the sting of what it feels like to have someone look at you, but have it feel as though they aren't seeing you at all? Do you know what it feels like to have someone treat you as though you aren't even a human being with real feelings? Have you ever laid in bed at night and wondered how it could be that someone could claim to love you so much in one breath....and then rip you to shreds in the next? Have you thought about how lonely your life would be, if everyone judged every choice you make? Have you lived that lowest moment, where the rejection runs so incredibly deep, that drowning seems certain? I always thought that I surrounded myself with amazing women. Women who were strong and independent and confident and brave. Women whose strengths far outnumbered their weaknesses. Women who loved me despite it all. Women who would walk all the way through anything with me and carry some of the load if they had to. Women who would always have my back and whose faith in me would never waiver. Women who would tirelessly reassure me that I am good enough and smart enough. Women who understood what it means to be a woman and how hard that road can be sometimes. I intentionally avoided women who were calculating and cruel and spiteful and bitter. I tried to stay away from the ones who were bitchy and catty. I have never ever been more disappointed than I am now. To come to the realization that some of these women that I held in such high regard, could be so thoughtless and careless with their tongues and their actions. It is one thing to have an opinion and stand behind that...I applaud that....because everyone is entitled to feel the way they feel.....it is entirely something different, to behave in a way that causes someone public humiliation and further hurt when they are already carrying so much. To make choices that are so completely intentional leaving that other person stripped of all pride and completely broken is what I believe to be the cruelest act that one person could display towards another....I have lived the moment where I felt completely stripped of all that I was by someone who was supposed to love me....it is an unbearable moment to walk through.... All that stuff up there....those questions....I've felt all that....and lived all of that....and I would never ever wish that on a stranger....let alone someone that I called a friend. The complete and utter disregard for the fact that the cruelty being displayed is hitting a real person on the other end is completely shocking to me. When someone shows you who they are.....believe them....and now I do...... Don't send me a message asking if this is about you......you know if it's about you....I really have nothing more to say....other than the fact that those who live in glass houses should try to remember that no glass house is shatter proof.

The Five Stages of Grief Redefined

Disclaimer: This post isn't intended to make light of the five stages. The few brief points of humor that are thrown in are only because I feel sassy today.... and I have a friend out there who needs more words than I can type in a text and so this post is mostly for that person.....aaaaaaaand I can't care(cuz I like the way Demi says it) what other people think or how some of my writings make them feel....it is what is...and I'm the boss of myself.

Okay because I find myself writing random thoughts....this is how I prefer to look at the five stages of grief.

Denial= WTF....This is the stage where you assume that someone has spun you into an alternate reality known as 'Not my Frickin life.' I lived here, in this stage for a long ass time...I rented a space and unpacked my things and settled into Denialville for a good little stay. This is also the stage....and I didn't know this back then but I know it now....where God protects you....saves you from yourself in ways until you are strong enough to deal with all the feelings and emotions that are going to come your way....thank God it was done that way because clearly I needed a little bit of time to be able to cope with my life.

Anger=MF(which stands for Mother Fawker...keeping it clean so as not to offend)...That little two letter abbreviation to the left needs no explanation....clearly this is the stage where all hell breaks loose and honestly the person who wronged you should be lucky that they have the title of MF...it means you still care even if it's ever so slightly. Honestly I could have come up with at least eight abbreviations for this stage...and I think that I struggled in this stage...I didn't know how to process how I felt, I couldn't recongnize how to understand it and what to do with the anger and since sadness and hurt is the emotion that rises quickest to the surface for me that is what happened. There was no raging, no breaking things, no seeing red....there was instead sitting in side myself with quiet, crying buckets, and living in walk in closets and bathtubs. Ok and I'm laughing now at the 'I think I struggled' part....since setting up a dwelling in a walk in closet isn't really common place for a lot of people.

Bargaining=WE(Whatever) This is the stage where I was willing to offer almost anything to create a different outcome...I considered sacrificing almost all moral and ethical reasoning. I was willing to derail all the growth that I had made in myself and make promises that I would inevitably not be able to keep because no one is perfect. I think I loathed this place the most, especially when I look back at it now....that I would be okay with turning away from all I knew myself to be in the hopes of saving something that maybe shoulnd't be saved.

Depression= FML....Those three letters that spell out a swear word phrase...yeah that phrase ruled my life for months....I loathed my life...I loathed the human race...I loved my children and like five other people(don't ask me if you are one of the five...you should know the answer to that...:) but that is almost where it began and ended for me. I believed that almost all people were shitty...that at the end of the day I was not the exception to the rules in anyones life, I believed that most if not all people were selfish, and that everything is always done with a self serving attitude where their own personal gain is the number one concern. I was sadder than I have ever been....like in my entire life....this was the stage where I remember so many nights of laying in bed and saying "Dear God, if you love me at all, please take me tonight so that I don't have to do one more day of this." It absolutely was during this phase where I genuinely felt the breaking in my spirit, though I know that the ultimate breaking had happened months prior. During this period of time, I felt fragile and damaged and completely lost...but I knew that creating quiet....within myself...and crying more tears than one human being should shed....I knew that it was during this period where the rebuilding within myself would happen.

Acceptance= TTCO....Time To Carry On......Some sites say that the fifth stage of grief is resignation....I don't prefer that word....resignation sounds different to me than acceptance....Acceptance says that at the end of the day, you still get to be the one that gets to decide how this chapter is going to end. Resignation gives the indication that you have no choice....I chose to move into acceptance so that I could move on....and so that we could all move on....living in a certain place of limbo where no one is making choices and just going through the motions of day to day existence is no way for anyone to live....This is the stage where I felt the most scattered, restless, unsettled, unnerved and irritated because I just wanted some sense of normal back in my life....I had to accept that the choices were all things that couldn't be undone, I accepted that people were sorry, and deeply remorseful and understood that people make mistakes. I accepted that this was not part of my perfect plan and that I had no control over anything that came before but that I had all the control in how things would play out from here. That this would be MY moment where I would get to be the one to write the next chapter....and so I chose to say....there is no undoing what has been done and I can accept that but I am different now and stepping back from here seems like the only reasonable option at this point.

So there you have it....I can easliy look back now and see exactly what stage I was at and when that was....I'm kind of thankful now, that I can look back there and see how far I've come in 670 days(though when I write the number of days...it kinda makes me wanna throw up a little in my mouth...but instead I'll say....not one day too soon...and not one day too late. It was absolutely the hardest walk of my life so far, but I survived and I am better than I was, and I am so so grateful for that.

It's all about the Ebb and Flow...

*Disclaimer* Let me make it clear this entry is not about keeping people in the know...it is completely and entirely to make things perfectly clear to people who still continue to speculate about what is going on in my life. At the end of the day, I owe no one an explanation and struggled with writing this post for months, but nothing drives me more crazy than people assuming that they know what's going on when they really have no clue.....so there....take that for what it's worth, not me being sassy....but definitely me reminding people that at the end of the day......my life....my choices.


I've learned a lot in the last year and a half....about life and people and especially about the person inside me....it has been over a year...in fact almost two....of constant change and growth...with some nice highs and the lowest of lows.

The Highs:

My angel daughter is back in public school and that has been great for her....she has a ton of friends and aside from the occasional social dramas that unfold amidst the angt of teenage life, she seems to be really enjoying it. Her brother is taking an accelerated online program....he's brilliant and feels there is no need to waste unnecessary time spending 8 hours relearning what you already know and really I have no valid agruement against that point. My oldest boy but still my baby boy....moved out....phew....I bawled my face off...and then said 1 down 2 to go and then bawled my face off some more. He's going to be fine and this I know, but holy cow.....19 years of life flashes in a blink when one of them is leaving home.

My baby sister had a baby....a perfect little girl named Cora....I personally felt so frickin' old when I saw pictures of the baby....thinking about doing that phase again made me feel kind of illish...of course she is thrilled...the baby is gorgeous, mom,dad and baby are all doing great.

I got to spend the entire summer away from Calgary....time with family, and my girls...time to breathe and reflect and ponder how to choose to be moving in a forward direction....always.....

"Sometimes you have to let go of the life you had planned, to live the life you were meant to have."


Life has brought our family to new places in the last year and a half and has tested Jason and I on a number of levels.....life is hard...and marriage is ridiculously hard....sometimes no matter how hard you try, you just can't turn it around and that is the place that we found ourselves in towards the end of last year. We are moving into this time of our lives....trusting that all things will go the way that they should but that our lives are moving in separate directions. This separation isn't new...we've just chosen to keep our lives private. We are beyond the point of casting blame in either direction and instead choose to remember that our kids come first and their feelings matter most to us. That said all choices that we made in how we chose to proceed were done with the intention of keeping their best interests in mind.

The struggles in my personal life seem to be a constant reminder that the peaks and valleys are a daily occurence and that has become tiresome to me but I will still keep moving forward. Thank you to everyone who has known about the situation all the way through and has kept us in their prayers...we are so grateful.

I've learned some hard lessons this year...about human nature, friendships, relationships, parenting and personal growth. I've been disappointed in people and the way that they have handled certain situations. I have changed how some of my relationships function because I know that at the end of the day....they will always love themselves more than they love me and a certain measure of self preservation isn't a bad thing. I've seen friends find their voice as they strive to become the truest version of themselves....that in itself is an incredibly hard road to walk....when you choose to be, who you feel you are, you have to accept that there will be people who might not appreciate the new version of you....and that just has to be okay. I have wondered how people can sit so comfortably in their little glass houses...only because I know that generally no glass house is shatter proof. I have learned that you should never rely on another person for your own happiness and I've also decided that the expression 'two halves making a whole' is a load of crap. I am a complete person all by myself and no one makes me a better version of myself. If it all came down to it, everything that I would ever need, I already have....and I feel empowered by the knowledge of that.

I sit here now.....with so many unknowns still in front of me but the fear is gone(mostly), the deep deep sadness has grown into acceptance, and I can honestly say that this is what I know....life is a constant journey, full of storms, and hurt and joy and passion, but every step of it gets you closer to where you are supposed to be.....and so I will take all of the very best parts of the life that I have lived so far, keeping those memories close to my heart, and I will let everything else fall. You never stay in the same place forever....gosh I clung to that hope last year....and it's true, life is different now, not different bad.....just different....and I'm okay with that.....and we're all doing okay.


*This post was previously posted but there was confusion about the date posted with it so I just decided to delete and repost.